this one is about me being selfish and also self-loathing

it's almost like there is a real, material, little girl living inside of me whining and stomping and making terrible faces. saying things like, "but i don't WANT to!" saying things like, "but why do I have to?!"

i think she has pigtails. long and straight. she wears church clothing. the clothing of someone who feels others are asking too much of them. the clothing of childhood.

this little girl, living inside of my very soul and mind, is a bitch.

well. i'm just being honest.

i woke up today and felt like throwing a tantrum. i don't wanna go see grandma. i hate going to that place. it smells. i wanted to find reasons to not see her. because i am selfish. and made it all about me.

so unattractive.

in reality, my grandma gave me so much, loved me so much, that i should see her much more than i do. i barely see her once a month. and every time i see her, i leave in tears. because seeing her there, knowing she is not herself, is one of the most terrible feelings i've ever known.

oh wait, was i talking about me again?!

so we went today. (thank god ben went with me.) and, as always, the place smelled. like sanitizer and old people. and that makes me sad. then they served food. and then it smelled like aforementioned smells plus food. i mean, i can handle the smells of many things. but. i dunno. not today i guess. then, as we took a walk, my grandma had a bathroom accident. i won't say much more except that it smelled terribly. (does that sum it up without making everyone gag the way i did?)

and i had to leave.

and i left without saying goodbye.

(in my feeble defense, my sister was there and took care of everything.)

other than my feeble defense, i felt/feel like a terrible and selfish brat. i can't shake it. and even worse, i never want to go back. like ever.

HOW TERRIBLE IS THAT??

i keep trying to make it about seeing her but i always turn it around to how it makes me feel. but i don't WANNA go. i mean, this little girl is getting on my nerves. but this little girl is me. i've created her. or stemmed from her. and here we are. (i didn't even say goodbye to my grandma! what is wrong with me?!)

the truth is, i've been cry-y all week. crying at tv shows. (preposterous!) crying at nothing. (are you kidding me?) crying about this. crying about that. i feel like i'm fighting tears all the time. and it all started with the dream about my grandpa. who would have been so disappointed in me today. who would have lectured me about "who do you think you are to treat your grandmother that way" and "she loved you when you were stinky and grumpy."

all of this is true.

after all of these years of loving her i feel like she is already dead to me. in a way. possibly in the most important way. everything that we used to talk about, the way we would hold hands, outings taken together, meals shared, jokes made, memories engrained...it's all different now. the memories stay but it is hard to not replace them with the new her. i feel like i am always fighting to keep her in my mind the way she used to be. at her best. beautiful and smart and fashionable and loving and mean. but in a good way.

perhaps this is a week of mourning. perhaps that is why all of the crying. the preliminary dream about teeth falling out. the re-mourning (if you will) of my grandpa. and my constant struggle with the denial of my grandma's ongoing life. a life filled with dementia and sanitizer-smell. my mourning of who she used to be, that person forever lost within her.

i don't know. i don't know if i need someone to slap me and tell me to buck up. or if i need someone to just let me cry my eyes out. i'm hoping after all of this, tomorrow will be a much different day. a day where i am not the center of my own world. i don't know.

sadness and joy

this is the man by which all other men shall be judged
(august, 1981)

on saturday morning i awoke and, for a moment, i was completely still. in memory it was surreal. and then i remembered my dream. and then i started sobbing. and i couldn't stop. i couldn't even stop long enough to tell ben what my dream had been about. what had me in such tears.

but it was simple.

the dream was long and rambling and most of it was the nonsense of which most of our dreams are made. toward the end of the dream, i saw my grandpa, standing on the street in an outfit he used to wear. one i must have been very familiar with in life as it was reproduced in perfection in this dream. he had on slacks, a button-up shirt, and his burgundy windbreaker.

in the dream i ran up and threw my arms around him. i sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. he hugged me, patting me on the back. "it's ok, i'm here. i'm here." i would know his voice anywhere... and this went on until i woke up.

as my eyes opened i was enveloped in calm. the light coming through our turquoise curtains was serene. and then i remembered him. his arms around me. my sobbing.

and it continued. i couldn't help it.

my grandfather died over 11 years ago. just before i graduated high school. the night he died, he was at home and we rushed over to see him. it is likely i have never cried so hard or for so long. as if crying ever brought anyone back...

all day, as we prepped for our 4th of july gala (just hours later), i would think of him and choke up. my throat would tighten. my eyes would blur. i would have to regroup. sometimes the balance is overwhelming.

even now, as i am writing this, i am wiping away tears. my nose running. my throat tight. and i couldn't tell you why if you asked. why this dream was so different. i have dreamed him before. i have dreamed my father many times. but never have i, days later, been brought to tears so easily. nor have i ever woken up and cried as i did... what an amazing reminder that my soul is constantly journeying. and that, although i am all questions and tears at this point, there will be some semblance of answers in my future. or perhaps it is only that the wall between this life and that beyond is much more penetrable than i ever thought...

my grandpa was everything a great man must be. he was smart. strong. funny. so incredibly loving. loyal. honest. my mom said he must have visited me. and i had felt that even before she said the words. how glad i was to see him again. how i had missed him. how i loved him. and how sad it was upon waking. to feel him so closely yet know how far away our souls must be.

(grandpa, if in some odd twist of fate they have blogs wherever you may be, thank you for the visit. i'm sorry i cried but i couldn't help myself...seeing you filled me with such sadness and joy that all i could give you were my tears. but please, please, please come back. don't stay away... i love you, as always.)

things i am not ok with but have no control over (this one involves cursing)

-the weekend is over (eff!!)
-my sister is a bitch (ok, it's no news-flash but hot damn is it annoying. especially given the following.)
-something is wrong with my mom and the dr can't see her so recommended the er. um, yeah. like my mom is going to sit in the er for however-many-hours so that she can have an x-ray that the dr could have prescribed in the first place. (this one is making me most angry)
-said mom is being an incredibly whiny baby which makes even the hardest situation ten times harder...
-ben and i are like twenty miles apart all day (c'mon 5:30)

*let them know the wicked witch is dead*

somedays it is just that kind of day. today my bad mood followed me around very quietly. showing itself only in moments of unavoidable frustration. it was a very amicable bad mood if there is such a thing. but this is the precise mood that comes to a head at the worst possible time...when i get home from work. now, let me preface this with the fact that i am very good about announcing said bad mood. i will say things to ben like, "i'm gonna need a little extra room tonight because i am cranky" or "i'm in a bad mood and i can't help it" etc. i feel that that, in someway, excuses the crazy lady that takes over my body immediately after those disclaimers.

so, today was a weird day. full of frustration and a bad mood tapping lightly at my shoulder. so i get home, straighten up the dining room table, start some laundry, change our bedsheets, do the dishes (well, most of them), and pick up clothes and put them in the hamper. these are all things i wanted to do all day. while i was at work. frustrated. but i grumbled through each chore. making mean comments in my head as i went about things. in between said comments i would plead with myself, "self, please don't be in a bad mood when ben gets home." and not because i am some crazy housewife type who has to act all june cleaverish.

(and yes, i just made an adverb out of her name.)

but because the highlight of my day, my everyday, is whenever i can be with my husb. because we have a good time together. because he is my favorite person. etc. etc.

SO

i am dreading his homecoming and feeling the crazy lady in me surfacing when he comes through the door and all of a sudden the CRAZIEST thing of all happens...

i get happy. like REALLY happy. my crappy day/bad mood/crazy lady alternate persona melts away and i am my happy self. this is the power of love, my friends. this is the power of an incredibly handsome husband and his unending love for me. ME! and i am sooo thankful that it wasn't the kind of bad mood where all of that doesn't matter (yes, that kind does exist and it is ugly. it usually involves creating an argument about something that does not exist and then sleeping on opposite sides of the bed while scowling.) but today ended up being much better than i had hoped. AND i got lots of chorey things done so i have all kinds of time to think about fun posts. and all kinds of time to love on my husb :) what could be better?