there are times, whole days, when you just know

(outside of work, friday after a week of storming. so beautiful and bright. life-affirming. if you look closely, you can see both arches...the top one is very faint.)

 

sunday night i lay awake.  my thoughts were like formula 1 racers.  (you heard me.)  ben had been sleeping for awhile.  and i could not.  could not fall asleep.  could not shut up my brain's dialogue.  or monologue, really.  just on and on and on.  see, i'm just paranoid enough to have the weirdest and worst thoughts imaginable.  yet, just sane enough to know i'm making this all up.  that all of those terrible thoughts about, wait, are those footsteps?  or, wait, how quickly could i wake up ben and what would be our best escape route?

and then it's hours later.  and i'm wide-eyed and awake.  still.

so eventually i found sleep.  and dreamt that an old love of b's came into town because she needed him.  he was the only one who could help her.  and i knew he'd never turn her down.  and i knew he'd relish in spending time with her.  and soon she was a part of our lives.  and i was miserable.  and she was conniving.  and he was oblivious.  but she's just a friend.  but she just needs my help.  all the while, she's crying alligator tears and slowly stealing my favorite&best.

i woke up at, i think, 3, gave a loud sigh, and went back to sleep to somehow recover from my emotional trauma.  the next morning i laughed at the thought of me groaning out of sheer frustration at said dream.  like, oh, give me a break!  but for serious.  why torture myself with my own thoughts?


and then monday was like a recovery of sorts.  i was exhausted.  (fighting for your man is exhausting.)  and everything was a challenge.  but i knew it would be that way.  i knew it sunday night when every possible scenario of what-if/terrible/etc. flew threw my mind.  and there is not much else to do but run with it.


or walk quickly.  i am a terrible runner.

the sun and the moon

(today, 4pm, eastward)

lately i've been having the same dream.  or rather, the same part of a dream.  or rather, a thematic element in which a recurring moment, well, recurs.  only it fits in with the different dream.  it is the same and different.

ya dig?

so, the moment is this.  i'm going somewhere.  i'm focused.  and i look up.  and the sun and the moon are both in the sky.  like right next to each other.  and they're both huuuuuge.  huge.  and i grab for my camera.  or someone's attention.  and no one is listening.  or my camera won't work.  in this last one, my mister and i were off to the theatre.  we had front row seats to see phantom of the opera.  in some swanky opera house.  but i wanted a picture of the sky so badly.  and b was urging me to go to our seats.  he had me by the hand.  and we went inside.

so...yeah.  i'm sure it means something about something but i'm not sure i really want to know.  i'm pretending it signifies all of my stars aligning.  all planets and moons too.  i'm all for alignment.  (which just made me laugh because my back went out today.  maybe i should be all for spinal alignment...?)

an.e.whoooo...

this year is coming to an end so quickly.  do you guys feel like that too?  i can barely wrap my fingers and hands around each day before it's gone gone gone.  and i don't know about 2010 yet.  it has the potential to be a big year.  i'll be the big 3-0 about 3/4 of the way through it.  and i don't know how i feel about that yet.  not because i'm one of those "i'm so old!" people.  because i'm not.  but it's a big number.  and as of yet it feels bigger than i can be.  so we'll see how that goes.  luckily, we still have quite a while until then.

i will leave you with my favorite picture from our earlier december trip up north to san fran.  ben says it is his favorite picture of me ever.  in all of time.  and i'll take that compliment thankyouverymuch  :)  i happen to like it too.  me+chunky knits=comfy to the max.  so here, my sweet pepitas.  with love.

(emjamin) (our celeb couple nickname...aren't we scandalous?)

sadness and joy

this is the man by which all other men shall be judged
(august, 1981)

on saturday morning i awoke and, for a moment, i was completely still. in memory it was surreal. and then i remembered my dream. and then i started sobbing. and i couldn't stop. i couldn't even stop long enough to tell ben what my dream had been about. what had me in such tears.

but it was simple.

the dream was long and rambling and most of it was the nonsense of which most of our dreams are made. toward the end of the dream, i saw my grandpa, standing on the street in an outfit he used to wear. one i must have been very familiar with in life as it was reproduced in perfection in this dream. he had on slacks, a button-up shirt, and his burgundy windbreaker.

in the dream i ran up and threw my arms around him. i sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. he hugged me, patting me on the back. "it's ok, i'm here. i'm here." i would know his voice anywhere... and this went on until i woke up.

as my eyes opened i was enveloped in calm. the light coming through our turquoise curtains was serene. and then i remembered him. his arms around me. my sobbing.

and it continued. i couldn't help it.

my grandfather died over 11 years ago. just before i graduated high school. the night he died, he was at home and we rushed over to see him. it is likely i have never cried so hard or for so long. as if crying ever brought anyone back...

all day, as we prepped for our 4th of july gala (just hours later), i would think of him and choke up. my throat would tighten. my eyes would blur. i would have to regroup. sometimes the balance is overwhelming.

even now, as i am writing this, i am wiping away tears. my nose running. my throat tight. and i couldn't tell you why if you asked. why this dream was so different. i have dreamed him before. i have dreamed my father many times. but never have i, days later, been brought to tears so easily. nor have i ever woken up and cried as i did... what an amazing reminder that my soul is constantly journeying. and that, although i am all questions and tears at this point, there will be some semblance of answers in my future. or perhaps it is only that the wall between this life and that beyond is much more penetrable than i ever thought...

my grandpa was everything a great man must be. he was smart. strong. funny. so incredibly loving. loyal. honest. my mom said he must have visited me. and i had felt that even before she said the words. how glad i was to see him again. how i had missed him. how i loved him. and how sad it was upon waking. to feel him so closely yet know how far away our souls must be.

(grandpa, if in some odd twist of fate they have blogs wherever you may be, thank you for the visit. i'm sorry i cried but i couldn't help myself...seeing you filled me with such sadness and joy that all i could give you were my tears. but please, please, please come back. don't stay away... i love you, as always.)

revisited

last night, for the first time in a long time, i had a dream about my teeth falling out. there was a time i had these dreams every night. and it got to the point that it didn't phase me.

but it kind of freaked me out last night. maybe because i had lost two teeth in the dream. one was a molar and one was one of those fangy top teeth. (well, they are fangy!) it wasn't the molar that freaked me out because nobody could see that it was missing. but the one on the side/front...i was hysterical.

in the dream, that is.

and the pits where the teeth used to be HURT. it was terrible.

so i woke up and felt all around and had all of my teeth but couldn't help feeling as if i'd been visited by a ghost of sorts. to have a feeling so familiar wash over me yet have it feel so strange.

and, of course, the boys woke me up at 4 (tiggy wanted food). and then at 5 (tiggy wanted something, who knows). and then at 6 (sammy found the ball with the bell inside of it and thought it would be great to bring it up on the bed and drop it onto the hardwood floor. over and over).

what monkeys those boys are. tiggy almost sat square on my face at the 4 o'clock hour. thank god i was awake enough (barely) to turn away at just the right time. yikes! and as for the bell-ball, it will be retired at bedtime tonight. after i brush and floss and love every single one of my 32 pearly whites.