i have a headache but that's not what this post is about

 (my blog team.  hard at work.  keeping my legs warm.)

although, in truth, i don't know what this post is about right now.  yet, anyway.  see, it turns out i've got all kinds of time on my hands this morning.  i woke up early but can't go in to work early.  or i can.  only i can't leave early today.  so, i'd rather spend an extra, luxurious hour at home instead of at work.  i'm pretty sure you can't fault me that  :)

it may or may not have rained last night.  if it did, i slept right through it.  i think there should be rain laws.  like, it can only rain when one is home and awake.  so as to really experience it.  without the worries of traffic or flooded streets or the intense desire to bake cookies.  the rain always makes me want to bake cookies but i am almost always either asleep or at work.  thus, rain laws.

in two weeks tax season will be over.  or, for most of you, taxes are due.  can you believe it??  i can't.  i mean, i really can't.  that crazy month of march was packed chock-full of clients.  the nice ones.  the snotty ones.  the demanding ones.  the gracious ones.  i particularly liked this ridiculous conversation with a client yesterday because i responded to her email instead of uj.  of course, her question was "have you heard anything?" and the answer was "no." but that didn't matter.  she didn't feel i should be responding to her emails.  now, do you think uj wants to respond to her emails?  oh no no no.  that is the kind of client who makes the day very hard.  who makes this season very unpleasant.  but then we have the clients who bring us candy and food-stuffs and gift cards.  the clients who celebrate chinese new year and hand us each a twenty dollar bill.  those are the clients who put a smile on my face.  even the clients who just have a kind word to say.  a smile.

being nasty and rude gets you nowhere.  but you guys already knew that  :)

today is thursday.  the first of april.  the day april begins.  the day after march.  i don't have any sort of fool stuff to pull on you.  i've never been good at that stuff.  fooling.  are you?  are you pulling fun pranks and causing general shenanigans?  oh i hope so  :)

(can you believe it is already april??  to where has this first quarter gone??)

also, did you know that when cats sleep on and beside your legs it still doesn't mean your feet will warm up?  i can feel them freezing right now...  and my socks are so.far.away.

i am doing my best today to not feel down.  as down as i have been feeling the past couple of days.  being here to talk about whatever it is i'm talking about...helps to get my mind off of things.  my boys asleep on me.  that always helps.  and my #1 boy.  that handsome husb of mine.  who wrote me pretty much the sweetest note on the mirror this morning...  he is the best cure-all i can imagine.  my life is full of happiness and love.  even when i am feeling low.  kind of like how the sun is always shining.  even if clouds are blocking the light.


thank you for being sunshines in my life, friends.


and now i am off to work...


xo

 

wednesday: a mini-post

i have been hard on myself this week.  when i am cranky, i reprimand myself for being cranky.  because that could only mean one thing.  when i am fighting tears, i am also fighting myself.  how dare i want to cry.  because it most likely only means one thing.  see, i am thinking that, if i don't feel differently this month than every other month, it means it didn't work.  it means this month will end just like all the others.  in disappointment.  i can promise you i did very little of getting my hopes up since two weeks ago.  i did very well with not getting ahead of myself.  but today i feel like my disappointment is crushing me.  nothing is certain yet and i still have a few more days of waiting.  but i'm pretty sure that, since all the signs are there, this is just another bout of pms.  i just really really really...  really wanted this to work.  this time.  this month.  this year.  i know we aren't out of options.  i know we've got plenty of time.  i know it could be worse.  as it always can be.  but...

there are times, whole days, when you just know

(outside of work, friday after a week of storming. so beautiful and bright. life-affirming. if you look closely, you can see both arches...the top one is very faint.)

 

sunday night i lay awake.  my thoughts were like formula 1 racers.  (you heard me.)  ben had been sleeping for awhile.  and i could not.  could not fall asleep.  could not shut up my brain's dialogue.  or monologue, really.  just on and on and on.  see, i'm just paranoid enough to have the weirdest and worst thoughts imaginable.  yet, just sane enough to know i'm making this all up.  that all of those terrible thoughts about, wait, are those footsteps?  or, wait, how quickly could i wake up ben and what would be our best escape route?

and then it's hours later.  and i'm wide-eyed and awake.  still.

so eventually i found sleep.  and dreamt that an old love of b's came into town because she needed him.  he was the only one who could help her.  and i knew he'd never turn her down.  and i knew he'd relish in spending time with her.  and soon she was a part of our lives.  and i was miserable.  and she was conniving.  and he was oblivious.  but she's just a friend.  but she just needs my help.  all the while, she's crying alligator tears and slowly stealing my favorite&best.

i woke up at, i think, 3, gave a loud sigh, and went back to sleep to somehow recover from my emotional trauma.  the next morning i laughed at the thought of me groaning out of sheer frustration at said dream.  like, oh, give me a break!  but for serious.  why torture myself with my own thoughts?


and then monday was like a recovery of sorts.  i was exhausted.  (fighting for your man is exhausting.)  and everything was a challenge.  but i knew it would be that way.  i knew it sunday night when every possible scenario of what-if/terrible/etc. flew threw my mind.  and there is not much else to do but run with it.


or walk quickly.  i am a terrible runner.

in the absence of real problems

because there are moments when i feel myself changing.  feel myself growing older.  or growing up.  because, perhaps, i am many people in one person.  (but aren't we all?)  lately i have been thinking about friendships.  about how once-close friends can drift away.  can grow and change in such different ways from oneself.  it isn't as if it's on purpose.  or even conscious.  it just happens.  and i accept the process of life.  the progress and regress.  but spending time with friends and feeling more like...an outsider.  it's hard.  wanting to talk about books.  or about writing.  or about art.  when they're talking about...other things.  perhaps that is why this blog seems to be a growing part of my life.  a typed out dialogue between me and you.  my newer friends.  friends i've never met but to whom i feel so close.  friends who may already know more about who i really am than my local friends.  (which is a bit crazy, no?  although, heartwarming on your part.)


i think so much of friendship is the holding on.  holding on to what may have once connected you but now seems very small.  not sturdy enough to hold.  and the fear of being friend-less is overwhelming.  see, i've never been one to stockpile friends.  i've always had a choice few.  the good ones.  so suddenly the world seems very small.  or very large and i feel very small.

i love that nat said that marriage is like a never-ending sleep over, you get to spend every day with your best friend.  because i think my world would be unbearably lonely without that man of mine.  my truly best friend.  should there be bester?  i don't really know how there could be..  he really gets me.  it's comforting.  after said outsider-inducing experience, it was like at least we have each other.  it went unsaid.


i feel i am at an impasse.  on the verge of changing my own life.  taking charge of my own life...  and i certainly know who i'll be hanging onto.  (you!  duh)  but i have a feeling i will be letting go of some.  not in any dramatic fashion or anything.  just in the way of fading away.  slowly but deliberately.

have you been through this before?  these feelings?  talk to me.  xo.

here's what about me

i've been stressed for the past week.  stressed to the max, i might say.  and today, a sigh of relief.  it was most likely needless that i was as stressed as i was.  but i am a worrier when it comes to worries.  and there is still plenty to have on my mind.  so now i've made a little stressless space.  in which to breathe.

work is at its apex this month.  this is the hardest month out of the entire year for me.  most other months, i do monthly bookkeeping.  general cleaning & filing.  some months i do those things as well as quarterly bookkeeping.  but this month.  this month i do all of the above, end-of-year bookkeeping, 1099 documentation, server implementation, new software implementation, and appt scheduling for this upcoming tax season.  some days i am vain enough to think i do everything.  which i don't.  but you can bet your bottom dollar that i'm doing about, oh, 99% more than the world's worst employee.  aka my sister.  who has filled her days looking on craigslist for godknowswhat and chatting with her (loser) friends.  (who has a job at which they're chatting alllllll day?)  my sister and her three friends.  for serious.  it's not that i really care.  because it doesn't affect my job.  it actually makes me look like a saint.  but it's hard when your coworker sucks.  and even harder when that same coworker is your sister.  for whom you have little to no respect.  and who you might trade for someone else.  isn't that terribly sad?

in other news, i have found the premium sharp cheddar cheese slice.  it comes from target.  and is market pantry brand.  soooo good.  you know, if you like that sort of thing.  i have compared it to both tillamook and trader joe's sliced cheddar cheeses and there is no comparison.  i never thought i'd be buying cheese at target.  i thought target was exclusively for clothing and paper goods.  and picture frames.  and toiletries.  but now also cheese.

in other other news, i am in love with sunsets.  i am so glad the days are getting longer because when i am leaving work i can take shots like this.  instead of walking out to my car in the dark. 

and every day it's different.  some days better than others.  but it's something to count on, isn't it?  some days there are only two certainties.  that the sun will rise and the sun will set.  everything in between is luck.  and chaos.  incredible tragedy.  insurmountable happiness.  sandwiched between all of this beauty.  all of this.

and then there was '10

(driving into the future.  or just driving home.  you decide.)

1.  i resolve to eat as much cheese as i'd like.
2.  i resolve to listen to more peter gabriel.
3.  i resolve to not talk badly about myself while in front of any mirror.
4.  i resolve to take more pictures.
5.  i resolve to relish small moments.  to stop and pet my boys even if it means i'll be 5 minutes late to work.  work can wait.  (well, 5 minutes, anyway)
6.  i resolve to make more casseroles.  oh hell, i resolve to become a casserole queen!

i'm sure there are more.  perhaps this is version one.  or perhaps this is it.  casseroles can be pretty intense  :)

finding my way and finding my way

today was the kind of day that makes your heart ache for all sorts of reasons.  for good reasons and not-really-that-good reasons.  today we slept in.  woke up with smiles on our faces.  we snuggled as bugs do.  on the couch for hours.  for awhile i worried about laundry that needed doing.  the stuff that makes up a day.  but benny just held me.  told me to stay.  told me everything would wait.  and we watched football.  and talked.

and everything waited.  just as he said it would.

this past week marked two years since i went off of birth control.  i had gotten a terrible stomach flu (two years ago, that is) and couldn't eat anything and so couldn't take my pills.  and remember having a semi-romantic conversation about, "well, maybe this is the right time."  it was exciting.  we were leaving it up to god.  for lack of a better term...  we would just roll with the punches.  and so far, no punches.  which at times has been preferred.  at times, frustrating.  i got my period this morning and realized that i will be 30 before i have any kids.  which may not be a big deal since 30 happened a LOT quicker than i ever thought.  (ever.)  and, considering i was set on having kids by the time i was 25 when i was in h.s., haven't been really ready for what being a parent would mean.  and be.  i mean, when you're 16, 30 is old.  ancient, really.  and then, all of a sudden, it's what you will be in 9 months.  and you still feel pretty young.  vibrant, really.  and so what?  but it was one of those goals.  like, what will happen with my life if this goal is not accomplished?  like, that would be impossible.  and yet, here we are.  looking into the odd face of possible.  and so, i feel a bit weird.  depressed a tiny bit.  frustrated.  yet optimistic.

maybe one has to give up completely.  give up all of everything before something happens.

and i don't know if i can do that.  give up completely.  i just keep going.  we just keep going.  i could tell b was heartbroken today.  frustrated just like i am.  there is something miraculous in going through this with someone who is in sync with me.  who lets me cry and ask questions without answers.  who gently suggests possibilities.  who reassures me that this will happen.  this will happen.

it was the first heartache of 2010.  fresh and full of making me feel naive.  but i also felt full of love.  filled to bursting pure and radiant love for that sweet man o' mine.  whose hands held mine so gently today.  whose jokes and funny faces and randomness erased all of my tears.  (how did i get so lucky?  really.  i can't even imagine.)  who shares my dislike for all things patriot and jet.  who shares my unending love for all things colt (and also my frustration at their recent losses...).

the next heartache of 2010 is already happening.  it is the realization that tomorrow is monday.  that our multitude of long weekends is over.  that our mornings of fitting together on the couch like puzzle pieces, one unto the other, will have to wait until next saturday.  the thought of it is enough for tears tonight.  i felt like a little kid when i told b, "but i don't wanna go to work tomorrow.  i just wanna be with youuuuuuuuu."  oh the world of growing up.  perpetually.  or something.

so, even in the midst of...i don't know, whatever this is...i have countless blessings.  and a life full of unanswered questions.  and proof after proof that want doesn't count for very much.  if wishes were horses, right?  but what would i go back and undo...redo...  nothing.  i would trade nothing.  so i keep moving forward.  keep on keepin on, really.

love.

and today, especially today, thanks for listening.  kisses and kisses.

everybody's talking about the moon

and i saw it.  first.  it was gorgeous.  full.  filled to bursting.  i saw it on my drive home from work.  and watched it a tad more than i watched the road.  and wanted a picture of it so badly.  surrounded by wispy clouds, coating everything in it's dull yellow glow.  i wanted to pull the car over and write, "the moon is a poem.  the perfect poem."  but i didn't.  only i just did right now.

lately the moon, even half-full, has been incredibly bright.  at night our backyard looks like it's got a spotlight hovering over.  the shadows of our plants play among grass blades.  it's really magical.  surreal.  orion, our steady protector, stands guard just south and east of us.  and all of the stars around him contrast so beautifully against that black sky.  and all because of that big bright moon.

balance.

my mom has been full of telling me what to do, how to do it, when and why.  i never feel more my age than when my mom asks me if i'll wash my hands before i make her lunch.  because i want to smack her.  at the same time, i never feel more like that angsty teenager than in the same moments.  because i want to yell don't tell me what to do!  (ma, i'm 29.  please.)  but i don't smack her or yell.  just turn away and roll my eyes.  wash my hands.

i think i'm feeling claustrophobic lately.  in the last couple of weeks our remaining weekends have completely filled up.  and weeknights are SO useless.  the past couple of days i've been getting up early to do dishes.  laundry.  things i couldn't bribe my body to do the night before.  our house is a nightmare  (before christmas?  how fitting!).  lately, hours seem much more like minutes.  especially after 5pm.  days at work are sloooooow.  which i like and simultaneously dislike.  it's quiet.  but i remain unmotivated to do the gritty work that waits until quiet weeks like this.  the re-filing.  the archiving.  the climbing on ladders.  carrying bankers boxes.

i am all words today, instead.

the other night, before sleep, i started writing a poem in my head.  about our usual morning routine (read: when i don't get up an hour early).  it seemed lovely.  i almost turned over, switched the light and wrote it out but thought (so foolishly) nah, i'll remember.  and i do remember the gist of it.  but... not the same.  those words came so easy with my eyes closed.

and just like that, it's december.

lost and found, weekend edition

lost:
-one earring
*this is the first earring i've ever lost.  and i'm a bit confused about the whole thing.  it was a post earring.  with a secure back on it.  and i looked in the mirror before bed and it was gone.  (gone!)  and i feel very weird about the whole thing.
-one chicken wishbone
*i'd saved and dried it for special wishing with the husb only to look for it tonight and it's gone.  there i was, daydreaming about my wish.  and then, head-shaking.

found:
-new banner!!  
*brought to you by the ever-talented and stupendous mr. b.  i am soooo excited!!  he took one of my photographs and made it bigger, made it badder, made it awesome  :)  (i love the ace of cakes..don't you?)  i really didn't anticipate it being love at first site (oh, crack myself UP!)  but it ended up so much cooler than i could have dreamed.  this is the first step in creating a blog that looks and feels a bit more like "me."  (thank you forever, benny)
-new color to paint the bathroom
*gray (or "grey," depending on whatever floats your boat).  as to which gray, not sure yet.  will keep you posted.

happy monday!

*but when we wake, it's all been erased

and so it seems, only in dreams...*

(the grandest of them all, washington dc, 1944)

one:

i had a dream about my grandma last night.  or, moreso a series of dreams and seeing her was a part of them.  she looked how she used to look.  her face was full and bright.  her makeup done.  she looked like her.  something i've missed for a good few years.  now she looks old a lot of the time.  frazzled.  here but not.

in the dream she was out getting ice cream, something she always did when she lived at home.  she loves anything chocolate.  or peanut butter.  or both.  but mostly chocolate.  so, i don't know, it felt so good to see her until i woke up and realized i haven't seen her in months.  that i'll be seeing her in a week and a half.  i don't look forward to our visits as is evidenced by them being so few and far between.  but we've already been over the fact that i am selfish.  etc.  etc.

two:

i am mourning the news that polaroid is no longer making instant film.  oh, you already knew this?  yeah, i'm a bit slow on the uptake and such.  so i just found out yesterday.  and, in the true fashion of what this world is like, people are charging ridiculous amounts of money for a pack of 10 films.  this, to me, is just ultimate sadness.  polaroids are like pieces of art history.  they connect our pictures to our parents and grandparents.  and now...  i hope this changes.  i hope there is some sort of uprising because really.  digital pictures can only do so much.  give me instant!  give me uneditable!  uprising, commence!

oh sigh.

three:

tonight i will attempt to make chicken pot pie.  if it is glorious, there will be pictures and recounting and recipe-sharing.  if it is not glorious, there will be pizza.   :)

ciao, lovelies!

oh thursday night of crapiness...

hi thursday night, thanks for sucking!

things i dislike:
-crickets (shudder)
-the shower caddy falling down in the dark of night...scaring the bujeezus out of me/us
-our neighbor's newborn cry-screaming so loudly that i have to turn on the tv to even attempt falling asleep (honestly, if i have to hear a baby screaming at all hours...shouldn't there be a rule that says it should be my own? or at least be the baby of someone i even know?!)
-fighting before bedtime (because some of us can fall asleep before anything is resolved...and some of us are forced to stay awake and deal with crickets, shower caddies, cry-screaming and blogging...hm...)

things i like:
-sammy hunting said cricket which ended up being FREAKIN HUGE
-me killing aforementioned cricket but not before i thought it was a ginormous spider...maybe you remember my post about my sammy boy...quite the hunter but never the killer...
-cold bottled water
-when the neighbor's baby is assuaged
-NOT fighting before bedtime (sigh)
-the dsw coupon burnin a hole in my...pocket? wallet? well, the dsw coupon i can't wait to use. how's that?

i think ending on the possibility of new shoes (possibly teal pumps?) will uplift us all :)

good night my fair princes and maidens,
may your dreams be filled with green hills, warm arms and cottoned clouds
and may your mornings be sweeter than the softest kisses

oh week of unendingness and the like

this week has been so many things. it has been slow. it has been long. it has been...boring. you know what i say to that??

harumph.

loud. and. clear.

yesterday (7/29) was my mom's wedding anniversary. 30 years ago she'd married my dad. i love the pictures from that day. my mom in her floppy hat. my dad in his unbuttoned shirt. they were so 1979. if i had any pictures, they'd be on here. alas. they live in the closet at my mom's house. in a dusty box. my parents were only married for 5 years. i had never thought of their marriage in terms of years before i asked my mom yesterday. it was odd to put a number to it. and think about our 3 year anniversary sneaking up on us in a week.

in other anniversary news, today (7/30) was my (maternal) grandparents' wedding anniversary. it would have been 65 years had my grandpa been alive. what a marriage they had. how unconditionally loyal they were, one to the other. it certainly gives me something to strive for in my own life. a successful and lifelong partnership with my husband. oh, swooning swooners.

tomorrow will mark the tail end of the end of july. i don't know why it seemed to be such a challenging month for me. as i said a couple of posts ago, this july has seemed eternal. at the same time, i cannot grasp that it will be august this weekend. (or that, we will indeed be celebrating our wedding day happening 3 years ago...)

i don't know that i can say time is flying (with the exception of said long-suffering july). more like teleporting. i mean, at every turn it's the next month! soon we will be ringing in twenty-ten!

CRAZY!!

aaaaan.yw.ho.
the good news is that tomorrow is friday. as well as the end of this seemingly hopelessly neverending july. i will say that i've meant to have been blogging this entire week but with early nights (zzzz) and no great time at work for this chatty banter (*you've got to grind, grind, grind at that grindstone*) i have been left with only daydreams of posts. repleat with pictures and poems. and the like. but for now, for tonight, this is all i've got.

muah

as july is all around us

for some reason july seems to be going on forever.
two weeks ago i was getting panicky about quarterly reports.
and other such work nonsense.
and i had 3 more weeks to go!
now here we are. good ol 7/22.
we have nine days left!!
will july never end??

perhaps it is all the forward-thinking mr b and i have been doing.
we have three trips to chicago in the next three months.
so we are daily talking about departures and arrivals.
layovers and checked baggage.
our three year anniversary is just a couple of weeks away.
and beyond that the day of my glorious birth :)
that's a lot of stuff to be excited about!

it leaves little time to think about the now.
but the now is so pleasant. so worthy of our thoughts.
i do love the feeling of this little blog waiting for me.
"fill me with your thoughts and words and sentences,"
it chimes.
and how could i do anything but oblige?

things in the now i am excited about:
-joint birthday party for mr b and our good friend mr r this weekend
-so you think you can dance!! (my new fav show)
-my headache is on its way out...phew
-i get to head home in about ten minutes
(what could be better??)

i know you think i've forgotten about my goal of putting up pics from the fourth of july.
but i have not forgotten. i am guilty of not even having said pictures on my computer. how is this possible?! so, apparently it is more of a long-term goal...but i promise they will be worth the wait. especially the ones of the kiddos. heartbreakers, all of them.

kisses, my friends!
(if i knew french, that's the kind of thing i'd say in french)
(help me out, s!)

flit and floating

my blushing hydrangeas

as down as i was last week i feel a bit as if i'm floating this week. not for any particular reason or lack of gravity. just an uncanny feeling of okay-ness. the feeling that i can handle what is thrown at me. something inside that says that, although things, possibly everything, will go wrong, i will survive it with grace.

it is possible i have had this feeling before but i am not remembering it in this moment. and so, i am reveling in this newfound...okay-ness. well reveling and fearing. just in case fate wants to catch me unawares...

i should be sleeping as i know i will feel as if a boulder crushed my entire soul when i awake in the morning. but the house is so quiet. all of my boys are laying (lying?) around, sprawled out, trying to combat the still night that sits outside of our window. the ceiling fan hums it's full-speed hum. other than that, the refrigerator occasionally does something. the ice in the icemaker shifts. the noises that go unnoticed in daytime are a lullaby of sorts. disjointed yet reliable.

there has always been something about the night that has kept me in its clutches. or perhaps not. perhaps there has always been something about sleep that has terrified me in the most primordial sense. as a child i cried my way through many a night. fighting sleep as if it were the devil. and even today. although i can't stay up nearly as late as i used to (how did i ever stay up until the sun rose? how did i ever stay up past midnight? oh, ok, that one was a stretch..) i am always fighting it.

and all the while, my love lies next to me in the sweetest sleep. he must know something i have been slow to catch onto. the safety of dreams. the peace that comes with heavy eyelids, slowing breath. perhaps it is about time that i join him in that sea of peaceful dreams. leave behind my fears. my wrong and learned behaviors. perhaps sleep and i need to start fresh. with a clean slate of sorts....

....zzzz....

and as thursday glides into friday

i will be fastest asleep

my goal for this weekend is to post about our 4th of july gala, replete with pictures and my witty repartee, of course

until then, i will leave you with this:

i have been without a/c in my car for a couple of months and for awhile i was obsessing about getting it fixed (it's expensive!)

but today, as i drove through the tree-lined streets of the lb i enjoyed the sun on my arm

and i enjoyed hearing all of the sounds of other cars and their music ("WHO is listening to THAT" is something i say often)

there is something soothing about the raucous wind beating it's way inside my car, tumbling about, then blowing out of the passenger window

but then again, we've been blessed with a most mild summer thus far

and my commute is incredibly short (2 miles? through the park? under jacarandas and ficuses?)

i'm pretty lucky

i dunno

i'm feeling kind of

vintage, if you will (is it shabby chic to drive sans a/c?)

and i think i'm kinda liking it

in light and in shadows of the soul

isn't it amazing how miserable people have the uncanny ability to suck every atom of joy out of your own life?

it is no secret that i have a miserable sister. (well, unless it is your first time here, and in that case, welcome!--fyi, my sister is a miserable jerk.) it may also not be a secret that i have a mom who is constantly struggling and therefore depressed. and depression is miserable.

and, for today it seems, i have a miserable boss. he is overwhelmed. i get it. but still, miserable.

and MAN. i am struggling to keep the sunshine of my soul burning bright. it feels impossible to dodge all of the thunderstormy clouds that the aforementioned are trying to infuse into my life.

dammit people, i want to smile!!

i have a song in my heart and a swing in my step!!

and if everyone doesn't buck up and deal with their crap, i am running home (well, driving...but running) and climbing into bed with my boys to drown myself in the happiness that is my life. and i will stay there as long as it takes (read: tuesday morning, when i have to get up for work). and i will not waver.

!

emily b and the...

perhaps my name should be alexander. (except that might be weird seeing as i'm a girl and all...)

oh, the humanity! today is terrible.

it started when, at 2:30am the house phone rang. it was a name and number i didn't know so i didn't answer it. but my heart was pounding. hard. and i think i sweated a little. i hate wrong-number-phone-calls in the middle of the night. they creep me out.

(other things that creep me out: koi fish, ivy, grasshoppers. bleck)

then, at 4:30am, sammy found a plastic bag he just had to lick and bite on. enough so that it woke me up, causing me to find that silly orange boy and his newfound toy to try to put it somewhere (anywhere!) that he couldn't get to.

then, at 7, my alarm went off.

the horror!!

then, and now (i suppose), i was/am stuck in this teeny tiny office with all members of my immediate family (read: mom and sister). both of whom are driving me to consider illegal drug use. fear not, i am a drug-hater. but maybe a stiff drink. i'm desperate...

also, ben is away. and not that i can't manage. i can. and not that i can't be alone. i can. (i hate it...but i can.) but when everything else is so crappy, he sure does level out the playing field that is my life. and when previously mentioned phone call happened, he would have been comforting. and i would have felt safe. instead, i spent 1/2 an hour convincing myself that it wasn't a stalker or someone calling from outside our house.

(have i mentioned before that i think i have a paranoia problem?)

my dream day would consist of the following:

-a break from my family (read: mom & sis)
-los al target (the premiere target in all of the world)
-maybe buying something crazy on etsy
-popcorn for dinner and chocolate pudding for dessert
-snuggling with my boys
-it actually being thursday so i wouldn't have to spend another night alone...

(if i get another random call in the middle of the night tonight, i swear i'm gonna lose it, you guys.)

this week of days

hasn't this been the longest week ever? i feel like every word out of my mouth has culminated into a big, eternal "ugh." each day stretches on for weeks. and this week has stretched on for the better part of the year.

or does it just feel that way?

there is something nice about the boss being away. the phones don't ring. there is plenty of time to focus. and yet. focus is exactly what i can't seem to be able to do. i have my work all lined up in front of me. my visual checklist. i even have a literal checklist. and yet. here i am. whining about the conundrum that is this week.

let's see. what am i busy thinking about so i don't feel trapped in the confines of space and time that make up the black hole that is this week?

1. my sweetest love. oh, that husband of mine. i daydream about him all day and then when we get home from work it is like heaven on earth. last night his charming self got me right out of my bad, frustrated mood. this is a man that i miss as soon as he steps out the door. and he can never get home soon enough. i am so lucky it hurts, aches deep in my bones. oh, that husband of mine...

2. is there anything else? i'm blanking.

now back to work.

it isn't even 2:00 yet.

holy crap...

this one is about me wearing grown-up clothes

since i was 14 i have donned jeans and sweatshirts almost exclusively.

what? it's not a crime...

of course i can dress up for occasions. i know what's appropriate. but oh how i daydream about wearing jeans and a sweatshirt. and, if i'm in a particularly bad state, oh how i daydream about sweats. pure and simple.

(once, i went to a dressy event and brought along sweatpants in the car so that i could put them on for the car ride home. i mean, sometimes you just cannot wait.)

this last sunday saw us at a client's 90th birthday party. the night before we went shopping and i found a pair of white linen-y wide-leg pants. i thought, these will look terrible. i thought, but i should try them on anyway. i thought, these are cute. so i tried them on and ben loved them. i did a lot of shoulder shrugging.

(DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO LOOK AT YOUR LEGS IN WIDE-LEG PANTS AFTER A LIFETIME OF SEEING THEM IN JEANS??! IT'S IMPOSSIBLE!!)

but i bought them. mostly because ben has great taste (hello, look who he married! jk). but really. he has great taste. and if he says they look good. then by golly.

so i wear them to this party in pv. (did i mention it was at the home of the director of the bold & the beautiful? oh i didn't? hm.) it was at the home of the director of the bold & the beautiful. the soap we watch exclusively at lunch here at work. 5 days a week. every week. without fail. uj has been watching this show since day 1. it was awesome.

SO.

i wear them to this party. the pants are a hit. by that i mean i got compliments from strangers. and slowly my love for the pants grew.

here's the deal.

i am 28. i get carded everywhere. i get funny looks even after being carded. i am asked if i am in high school. sometimes, when i'm lucky, i am asked if i am in college. these things happen without fail. and much to my exasperation.

but.

i think i actually looked as close to 28 as i ever will, thanks to those pants. and my sassy wedges. and my sassy top from target with the little teardrop hole thingy in the back. (i know!!) and really, poor ben, all these years. i mean, who wants people to think their wife is in high school?! although maybe high-schoolers should stop looking like 28 year olds...?

an.yw.ho.

i was like a real life big girl yesterday. it was a bit crazy.

(in other news, we got invited by said director to the set of b&b to watch them film) (silent screaming) (do you think i have too much pride to beg kkl to take a picture with me?? oh hell-to-the-no.)

oh me oh my

how i had wanted to blog this past weekend.

how i had wanted to blog last night.

but the weekend went like this: saturday=friends all day long, sunday=watched golf, laid around, watched basketball. weekend=computer not turned on once.

and yesterday went like this: benny calls me at 3 to tell me he's coming home sick, i get home around 5 to find my handsome man looking pale and writhing in pain. at 2 am his fever finally arrived and by morning he was feeling a bit better. also, during the entire day, i had the hugest headache known to myself. headache=eyes watering, chills, etc.

thank god today was nothing like yesterday!! (for either of us. benny seems to be on the mend and i woke up (after 12 & some odd hours of tenuous sleep) feeling much better.

yay!!

so, here we are.

hello friends :)

things i have been daydreaming about:

1. framing pictures and decorating our bedroom (it's been over a year...i think it's time). i spent much of sunday vigorously flipping through old domino magazines looking for walls covered in framed pictures. something to model our walls after. but came up empty. i know. how is that possible? well, it happened. and i felt a bit lost. what do you think? are you for random frames arranged in a collage-like fashion? or do you prefer picture ledges with frames of all types and sized lined up?

2. buying new towels for our bathroom. right now we're sporting lovely lightish green towels along with a green & cream rug. but my ever-stylish husb has brought thoughts of dark brown towels and matching rug into my life. how had i not thought of that?? so i feel the magnetic, life-altering pull of los al's target. i hope to have graced its aisles by week's end.

things i have been pondering:

1. fish eggs. have you ever eaten them? are you, dear reader, a woman? if so, and if so, has it ever creeped you out? we went to sushi while we were in hawaii (my mouth is watering just thinking about thinking about it) and got a roll covered in these little orange beads. teeny orange beads, really. they were called something. not roe. not anything that sounded like they were eggs but they were. and they popped between my teeth. i mean, they were really quite interesting. but. it felt odd. eating something that was like something that my own body created and contained. (is that gross? i'm sorry...) but i'm wondering if i'm the only one. i mean, i'm pretty sure i don't want to eat fish eggs ever again. and i don't like regular (read chicken) eggs anyway. (although i don't think of them in the same category. possibly because they are different enough to not be creepy.) let me know if and how this has impacted your life.

2. how much "stuff" one really needs in one's life. we have a ton of stuff. an attic-full. it is possible that this coming weekend will entail cleaning out the attic. i mean, i'm pretty sure most of what is being stored is stuff we want to keep. or want. but there is a lot of excess. of course.

3. why did i love the star trek movie so much?! seriously, we may have to own it. (oh what, you know you guiltily loved it too...it was exciting!!)


that's all i've got, folks. check back soon.

things i am not ok with but have no control over (this one involves cursing)

-the weekend is over (eff!!)
-my sister is a bitch (ok, it's no news-flash but hot damn is it annoying. especially given the following.)
-something is wrong with my mom and the dr can't see her so recommended the er. um, yeah. like my mom is going to sit in the er for however-many-hours so that she can have an x-ray that the dr could have prescribed in the first place. (this one is making me most angry)
-said mom is being an incredibly whiny baby which makes even the hardest situation ten times harder...
-ben and i are like twenty miles apart all day (c'mon 5:30)

you have no idea what you're in for...part three

aloooooooooooooooooha!

i'm finding it's still hard to put our trip into words. it was beautiful, peaceful, relaxing, exciting, romantic and fun...

ok, so that wasn't too hard!

our days were filled with sunshine and sand. when ben got his way i would go in the water (hey, it was cold!) and the rest of the time i'd be sunning and crosswording. now THAT is the life.

when we weren't sunning...let's see...we went ziplining in the mountains above the lahaina/ka'anapali area (so much fun...i recommend it...as in, highly)...we partook in a delicious lunch ritual i like to call pb&j...we hiked a coastal trail that took us through lava fields and along a cliff overlooking thundering waves...we swam with huge sea turtles and snorkeled with the fishes...but perhaps the thing we did most consistently (which was also maybe my favorite activity of all) was give our fellow beachgoers nicknames and make up stories about where they could be from and what their life stories entailed...(ok yes there was a lot of whispering, so what??) and that was all just a teeny tiny part of it.

this vacation really was the perfect getaway that we needed. it was a nice break from our jobs and, what i've termed, the "stresses of domesticity" (read: laundry, dishes, waking up at 3am to one of the cats barfing over the side of the bed, etc.). when we were leaving, i couldn't wait to get there. and when we were on our way back, i couldn't wait to get home. i don't think you could ask for better timing...

so i will leave you with a sunset view from our lanai. we were lucky enough to see eight whole, beautiful, unique sunsets during our trip. this is just one shot of one of them...but my favorite of them all. (hey, nothing but the best for you!!)

ben is THE premier sunset photographer
(sunset over molokai, april 30, 2009)

you have no idea what you're in for...part two

as it turns out, ziplining is also for lovers
(overlooking lahaina & ka'anapali)
(we heart eco-adventures)

i'm not sure that there exists a picture that better captures us

how is one to say goodbye to such a beautiful place without leaving a bit of one's own heart behind? (on our way to be on our way home)

you have no idea what you're in for...part one

maui is for lovers

we needed a vacation. like, badly.

nature's pedicure

location location location (aka: our view)

and you thought i was never coming back

oh my pets, don't fret! i am here, was here all along, in fact. i just haven't quite wrapped my head around blogging about our trip to maui. yet. i will. i promise! there is just so much to say! when i think of what to write, in what order, in what words...i hear buzzing sounds in my head. i know. crazy. SO. this is just a friendly hello. to say that i/we are back in the real world of things. working. loving. buying pink shoes...

warning! tangent ahead:

i love steve madden heavenly skimmer flats. (you can find them at dsw) i own them in red, black and gray. ever since i bought the red ones (a year ago?) i have wished (oh how i have wished) for them in pink. they are the PERFECT shoe to have in pink. like for sure. SO. i gave up. because said shoe warehouse has carried this shoe for a while with no color options in sight. BUT. i happened upon dsw's site today and...be still my overjoyed heart...there they were. in pink. i could barely breathe. it was an answer to a prayer. and it felt a little awkward. like i had a lot of power or something. (all of a sudden the shoe comes in pink? after i have fretted about it for a year?! it seems most likely i have something to do with this.) so, they will be arriving any day now. well, 3-5 days i suppose. but i can wait. seems patience got me the pink shoes to begin with.

an.y.who.

i am home. i am tan. and i will be back shortly with more words and hopefully a few pics for y'all.

while my benny is away

i went to work
i worked my buns off
i left work
came home
changed into comfy clothes
and embarked on my journey of massage therapy
and acupressure
i got a 3 hour massage tonight
it was heavenly
oh, and it hurt like the dickens
but now
oh now
i feel like i could cartwheel across the atlantic

so i came home
made a yummy dinner
and crawled into bed with my boys
downloaded some new tunes onto my ipod
facebooked (but just a little)
and watched the lakers beat the jazz

when ben is away i turn most of the lights on in the house
and i also have the tv on every second that i'm awake
this is so my paranoid ears don't hear anything
and, if they do,
i can look around and easily see that it was all in my head
paranoia is the pits

tomorrow i will
hopefully
finish 95% of my remaining work
have dinner with my ma
come home
do laundry
wash the last of the dishes
and jump up and down when my benny gets home
and then

who cares?
oh, of course life goes on
but i'm saving up all of my hugs for my husb
and they will be dispensed with much vigor

ok ok, and then sleep
then wednesday
then MAUI!!

i am a bit worried about leaving the boys for so long...is that normal? i think i'm sure they'll be fine. but...i'll miss my cuddly monkeys. and their funny faces. and their sweet talking.

holy crap. i just heard the SCARIEST noise outside. i'm going to sleep and turning up the tv (most possibly in the opposite order) before i freak out anymore.

oh good, dhani is on. that makes for fun television.

goodnight, my lovelies.

this one is about how everything works itself out

my sister decided, last minute, that she would not come into work today.









how can anyone not believe in god??

:)

decisions and dilemmas

today at 5 it was over. three and a half months culminating into an ocean's eleven type of exit. only there were 3 of us. and we hadn't just made off with a bunch of cash. and...

well, that could go on forever.

but on the way out, uj (my boss) says, "you should take tomorrow off. or at least take time off to have lunch with ben. relax."

he said this because earlier in the day i told him i wanted to work tomorrow. the day after the 15th is always the quietest and most peaceful day of the year. all of the ravenous, animal-like clients are satiated. the phone doesn't ring. the door doesn't buzz. it's the best kind of day to catch up on everything that has been pushed aside.

he also knows i've been a bit of a stress-case lately. i have been known to answer questions with a brash tone. known to eye-roll. and sigh. my light at the end of the tunnel was going into work on thursday to an empty office. just me against the accounting world. "watch out bank statements, i am going to reconcile you like nobody's business!!"

but.

then i found out that i would not be at work alone.

because, of course, my sister would be coming in.

to do what? i really don't know. chat. or something else meaningless and totally worth her hourly wage. hmph.

so now i don't know what to do. if i go into work, (on the one hand, if you will) i have the potential to get a lot of work done. work that i have less than two weeks to get done. BUT. and it's a big but. like the biggest. on the other hand, i will be so angry for most of the day just at the mere sight of said sister that it will paralyze my brain. because she is there earning money for doing nothing.

how do i know this?

welcome to my everyday.

so i have told myself that if i stay home i could get so much done around the house. things i've wanted to do but never had the time. like put dishes away. and make cards. and write poems. but (a little bit of a smaller but) i could also, very easily, sit slumpily in bed all day and turn into a zombie.

if i work, maybe i can buy myself some fun things on etsy.

but if i don't work, then i can be a normal happy person for a whole day.

and yet, if i work, i will be depleting my 'inbox,' if you will. (since i don't really have an inbox. at all.)

therefore, and in part, if i don't work, i can have the kind of day off that would give me the energy and excitement that would make me want to be at work badly enough to ignore my sister's terrible work ethic.

see?

i could do this all day. actually, i have been doing this all day. to work or not to work. i've got quite an extensive monologue going...

and yet i'm pretty sure i'll go in tomorrow. mostly because ben can't take the day off with me. if he could, this would be a no-brainer. alas. i will plan on compromising. i will sleep in a bit. pet the boys without feeling like i have to rush out the door. do i dare plan to straighten my hair?

oh, i mustn't.

more adventures in working with the world's worst employee

this was the task that lay before me

on thursday i filed about 160 folders. it took about 2 hours. said folder-filing is my sister's job. especially during tax season.

let me further explain.

during tax season, my sister actually has work to do. (as opposed to the other 8 months of the year when she has, oh, nothing to do.) during tax season, her two jobs are as follows: assemble tax returns and file the client folders once their returns have been signed and picked up/sent.

what i have failed to realize (sarcasm? lilbit.) is that she also believes she has two jobs to do: one being the assembling, the other being socializing.

who knew.

so, when i kindly asked her to make time each day to keep up with filing (160 folders do not magically appear overnight) she informed me that she didn't have enough time to file.

hm.

so, when she left i alphabetized and filed. and i let the boss know that i was doing that. so he could know, even though he'd never do anything about it, that she is seriously falling behind in the time management dept.

and i like alphabetizing. and i like filing. i mean, not more than i like frozen yogurt. but, it's not like i needed to drink away my sorrows afterward.

it was all i could do not to keel over laughing when she told me she was too busy to file. i kept thinking, you have time to chat, myspace, AND text. but not file.

rough life.

in other news, it is a romantically cloudy day outside and i am enjoying every minute of it from the warmth of my home. in pajamas. in love. i'm going to make some belated easter cards today (why can i never plan ahead?!) and drink some wine (later this afternoon...not for breakfast...don't worry). part of me wants to be a recluse on the weekends and the other part wants to be surrounded by friends. every weekend i feel the same pull in different directions. oh, what to do.

i got some new stamps and inkpads and am going to have a mini-party making cards for my friends. if you want to join me, give me a call! :)

(p.s. is there anything better than new stamps and new inkpads in the prettiest colors you've ever seen? i am excited...in, possibly, the dorkiest way ever.)

what today holds

i'm driving behind a car this morning and the license plate frame reads:

happiness is lawn bowling

so true, right?

it also happens that i'm listening to ray lamontagne on my way to work this morning.

he is so freakin groovy. i feel it impossible to listen to his music and not feel like my soul is made up of sunshine. groovy sunshine.

also on my playlist this morning was phoenix's single 'lisztomania.'

i am in love.

i have allowed myself no amount of playcount shame today. i listened to lisztomania three whole times on my way home. (i think this is a huge step in my recovery process.)

also, i got a ridiculously painful papercut today. ok, make that a manilafoldercut. on. my. fingerTIP. have you ever had a papercut ache? BUT. that's not the important part. (don't tell my finger that i said that.) when ben got home i showed him the damage and gave my best dramatic re-enactment. again, not the important part. here it is: he didn't scoff or make fun of me. he acted as if my tiny little cut mattered. even though he knew i was being silly. and melodramatic.

THAT was the important part.

an.y.who

what tomorrow holds...

seder. i am a bit nonplussed about the whole thing. no, i don't think nonplussed was the right word there...

it is hard to go through the motions when there is no connection. no real desire for a connection. i don't know. it's like, why are we sitting around starving and sipping wine for 3 hours (ok, it just feels like 3 hours) and saying the same things we said last year? and the year before. and... i don't know. does anyone really feel deep down like they connect with what's being said? like they have any inkling of an idea what slavery is like? oh, i know i know some people do. i just...feel nothing. (insert song from 'chorus line.') i guess i will focus on my favorite part which is where we all say, 'next year in jerusalem.' i try to work that line in all year round so when it's passover, and like official, i snicker a bit.

hey baby, i had so much fun on our date tonight...next year in jerusalem.

you get the idea.

and, if i'm lucky, i'll get to hold my husband's hand under the table. that is always my favorite part.

bar none.

this thursday full of cozy weather

in between my furious ten-key inputting i stared longingly at the gray day outside.

there is something about a gray day that calls to me. it says, "get home already! get in your pajamas!" and i say, "i wish! it's tax season!"

and there goes that conversation :)

but all is not lost. work was good today. i felt like i was on a roll of sorts. knocking down tasks like nobody's business. it felt good. maybe i should qualify this...

there isn't much in this world that i love more (in the non-living-creature-category) than bowls and pajama pants. BUT. there is one thing. and that one thing is typing.

i loooooove typing. whenever i have a task at work that means i have to retype something i get almost giddy. ok. not almost. i love the fluidity of my fingers on the keys. it's so soothing. and i like to test myself. type whole paragraphs without looking. and i had a 4 page document i had to type up. and i loved every second of it.

these are the things i lust after. it's seeming pretty sad at the moment...

in other news, tiggy is asleep on my legs (well, my knees to be exact. not comfortable but what is a mother to do), sammy is asleep at my feet, and benny is asleep about one foot from me.

seems like everyone's got the right idea but me.

g'night, friends...

crappy crap crap

i am having a crappy day. full of grumpiness and all-around blah-ness. how come bad moods are made worse by people? people are like fuel to the fire that is my bad mood. i don't know.

maybe it's because today is one of those days where i feel like i'm speaking an entirely different language than everyone else. i say 'yes' or 'no' and everyone hears 'gaosignwegaew' or 'ncuaieg.' (even in alien speak 'no' begins with n. i didn't know that before today..)

it's just frustrating. i'm not even communicating well with my own self today. part of me is content sitting here on the bed, typing, listening to birds and the breeze. the other part of me is like, what the f, get up and do the dishes, look at the mess that you are living in.

(and a small part of me says, "technically it is 'look at the mess in which you are living.')

part of me is sick of always doing. the other part is consumed with said doing.

and this is what's left.

i DID get a new tote/purse from target yesterday and i suppose that is helping my mood in a very slight way. but barely. and i AM in love with my new wedges (shoot, there's no link...well, they're just super cute) that i got from nordstrom. and i DO love my new little stamps from mayberry sparrow. my fav is the chubby raindrop. a close second is the baby gnome. well, duh.

ok, so it's possible to cheer up a bit. but.

but.

but i'm so restless.

and i'm really angry. deep down. well, today at least. angry about nothing. which is making me even angrier. i mean, at least be angry about something pin-pointable.

see? it's the kind of day best slept off. instead i'll get up and do the dishes. because, lord knows, they don't do themselves.

random signs that there is a god

it is such a beautiful day out. the wind is dancing amongst all of our neighborhood trees. we have a nest of baby birds in one of the trees in our yard and they have been chirppy all day. on a day like today i am reminded with each cold gust of wind all that god is. (and before we go any further, i don't think god minds if i capitalize or not. we've talked about it and i'm pretty sure he has bigger fish to fry.)

sammy has been my constant companion all day. laying his warm body next to me, on my lap, etc whether i am sitting here in bed blogging or on the couch going through the coupons. he's usually so busy and scatter-brained that to get him to sit still for 5 minutes is unreal. but today he's just a cuddle-bug. and i get to reap in the benefits of how much heat all 14 lbs of him gives off.

i went to both target and trader joe's today. does it get any better than that??

at trader joe's i purchased their single most delectable item. havarti cheese. do you like cheese? do you like heaven? then you must try this cheese and i dare you to tell me it is not the single yummiest food ever. i tore a corner off (it comes in a big square chunk) and the minute i tasted it i thought, 'god does exist. and he is even in this cheese i am eating this very second.'

and just in case you needed proof that god has a sense of humor...yesterday ben and i were at bake n broil. if you are ever in long beach, go to bake n broil. every single thing they make is amazing. every. single. thing. so we are stuffing ourselves silly and i mention off-handedly (how else would i mention it?) that bake n broil makes bulimia seem like a good diet option because you can enjoy all of the sheer divinity that is the food and then get rid of it easily.

oh, of course i was kidding!

BUT. this morning. and i mean EARLY this morning. i woke up with a stomach ache unlike any other. and, to keep this short and sweet, had about an hour and a half long stomach flu. and as i walked out of the bathroom for the last time, i thought, 'well played, god. touche.' it was odd to feel so very close to him at a time like that. but who else?? i had to open my stupid mouth about throwing up and 12 hours later... (no pun intended. no really. no seriously. ok, maybe a little..)

so if you feel like peering into the window of my life today, it will look like this:

cats
cheese
husb
freshly folded laundry
peace
and
love

amen

things that are making me happy today:

• the new forest fire prevention ads that have a picture of smokey the bear and say, "get your smokey on" (SO funny!!)
  
• the colts won!!! yay yay yay!!!
• i woke up this morning at 4 am to find that i had moved my pillow to on top of my stomach and was using my sham pillow to sleep on. how could i be so active and not even know it??
• during said awakeness (which lasted until just before 5 am...yikes) benny turned onto my side of the bed and snuggled up. i fell asleep almost immediately after that.
• the only reason i knew my pillow was on top of me was because i could hear sammy chewing on the tag. and had to laugh.
  
• i get to have the yummiest spaghetti lunch because my husband is an amazing cook :)
• i 'refused' a package that came in the mail so now i should get my rewards points back. phew.
• our house is clean. and beautiful. and i can't wait to be home later, cuddling up with my boy and our boys. watching jon & kate plus 8. and little people, big world. and chuck. this is the life.
  

sunday morning...

...there is so much of the day ahead of me. my to-do list consists of laundry, some light cleaning, relaxing, and possibly taking a trip to somewhere nearby to take pictures of lovely things.

of course i will also be lovin on my boys today. they have become so cuddly now that we have the new bed :) ok, ok...and when i bribe them with treats.

if only friday felt like...well...friday

because today feels like a really bad monday. the kind of monday that was preceded by a really FUN sunday. only last night was thursday and it was fun (we got our new bed, it is enormous and gigantic-note earlier post/rant about word combos-and there is plenty of room for both of us and both of our 15 lb boys) but seriously.

sleeping on said new bed was exhausting. and i'm sore in all kinds of crazy places. like my back. shoulders. etc. so not quite the heavenly morning we were hoping for. ben is also sore. perhaps there are very small creatures living in the mattress who beat us up all night? i'm hoping not but one never knows...

i am sure this is just a period of adjustment. but in the meantime, i am thinking i need a nap. and a massage. and a caramel macchiato (except it's frickin hot outside...see post 'hello november' for my thoughts on it being sweltering this time of year). c'mon so cal, let's stop feeling like july. no really. no. really.

zzzzz

why november 4th will always be a bit somber in our humble home...

this morning, ben and i walked to the house on our corner and voted in their enclosed patio. this deserves some qualifying...
1) they had a yes on 8 sign on their lawn all days preceding the election. yuck.
2) their enclosed patio smelled. bad.
3) said enclosed patio was covered in odd and old family pictures. both oil painted portraits and prints. but none that were nostalgic or lovely.

as we walked away ben and i fived over the fact that we just canceled out each others vote. see, it is easy to five at 8a.m. when there are no results. and no one has been crowned victorious. it is another, 12 or so hours later, when one of us is relieved/happy/excited about the future and the other is frustrated/angry/convinced that the next four years are lost. and it is always one or the other of us. so had tonight been different, so too our respective moods.

so, i celebrated very quietly tonight. as in, silently. with the exception of getting the good news from my little bro (who also shared even better news that he and his soon-to-be-mrs. were celebrating with me. so awesome!) it has been very quiet here tonight.

oh well, i will save my celebratory spirit for tomorrow when i see my mom (btw, you can take your "stop bush" sign out of your front window any day now...her poor neighbors have had to see that every day for 8 years) and the rest of the fam who will be happy to celebrate with me.

as shakespeare would say, "huzzah!"

that last part was just for me...i have been looking for a good reason to bring that word back into circulation :)

*let them know the wicked witch is dead*

somedays it is just that kind of day. today my bad mood followed me around very quietly. showing itself only in moments of unavoidable frustration. it was a very amicable bad mood if there is such a thing. but this is the precise mood that comes to a head at the worst possible time...when i get home from work. now, let me preface this with the fact that i am very good about announcing said bad mood. i will say things to ben like, "i'm gonna need a little extra room tonight because i am cranky" or "i'm in a bad mood and i can't help it" etc. i feel that that, in someway, excuses the crazy lady that takes over my body immediately after those disclaimers.

so, today was a weird day. full of frustration and a bad mood tapping lightly at my shoulder. so i get home, straighten up the dining room table, start some laundry, change our bedsheets, do the dishes (well, most of them), and pick up clothes and put them in the hamper. these are all things i wanted to do all day. while i was at work. frustrated. but i grumbled through each chore. making mean comments in my head as i went about things. in between said comments i would plead with myself, "self, please don't be in a bad mood when ben gets home." and not because i am some crazy housewife type who has to act all june cleaverish.

(and yes, i just made an adverb out of her name.)

but because the highlight of my day, my everyday, is whenever i can be with my husb. because we have a good time together. because he is my favorite person. etc. etc.

SO

i am dreading his homecoming and feeling the crazy lady in me surfacing when he comes through the door and all of a sudden the CRAZIEST thing of all happens...

i get happy. like REALLY happy. my crappy day/bad mood/crazy lady alternate persona melts away and i am my happy self. this is the power of love, my friends. this is the power of an incredibly handsome husband and his unending love for me. ME! and i am sooo thankful that it wasn't the kind of bad mood where all of that doesn't matter (yes, that kind does exist and it is ugly. it usually involves creating an argument about something that does not exist and then sleeping on opposite sides of the bed while scowling.) but today ended up being much better than i had hoped. AND i got lots of chorey things done so i have all kinds of time to think about fun posts. and all kinds of time to love on my husb :) what could be better?