finding my way and finding my way

today was the kind of day that makes your heart ache for all sorts of reasons.  for good reasons and not-really-that-good reasons.  today we slept in.  woke up with smiles on our faces.  we snuggled as bugs do.  on the couch for hours.  for awhile i worried about laundry that needed doing.  the stuff that makes up a day.  but benny just held me.  told me to stay.  told me everything would wait.  and we watched football.  and talked.

and everything waited.  just as he said it would.

this past week marked two years since i went off of birth control.  i had gotten a terrible stomach flu (two years ago, that is) and couldn't eat anything and so couldn't take my pills.  and remember having a semi-romantic conversation about, "well, maybe this is the right time."  it was exciting.  we were leaving it up to god.  for lack of a better term...  we would just roll with the punches.  and so far, no punches.  which at times has been preferred.  at times, frustrating.  i got my period this morning and realized that i will be 30 before i have any kids.  which may not be a big deal since 30 happened a LOT quicker than i ever thought.  (ever.)  and, considering i was set on having kids by the time i was 25 when i was in h.s., haven't been really ready for what being a parent would mean.  and be.  i mean, when you're 16, 30 is old.  ancient, really.  and then, all of a sudden, it's what you will be in 9 months.  and you still feel pretty young.  vibrant, really.  and so what?  but it was one of those goals.  like, what will happen with my life if this goal is not accomplished?  like, that would be impossible.  and yet, here we are.  looking into the odd face of possible.  and so, i feel a bit weird.  depressed a tiny bit.  frustrated.  yet optimistic.

maybe one has to give up completely.  give up all of everything before something happens.

and i don't know if i can do that.  give up completely.  i just keep going.  we just keep going.  i could tell b was heartbroken today.  frustrated just like i am.  there is something miraculous in going through this with someone who is in sync with me.  who lets me cry and ask questions without answers.  who gently suggests possibilities.  who reassures me that this will happen.  this will happen.

it was the first heartache of 2010.  fresh and full of making me feel naive.  but i also felt full of love.  filled to bursting pure and radiant love for that sweet man o' mine.  whose hands held mine so gently today.  whose jokes and funny faces and randomness erased all of my tears.  (how did i get so lucky?  really.  i can't even imagine.)  who shares my dislike for all things patriot and jet.  who shares my unending love for all things colt (and also my frustration at their recent losses...).

the next heartache of 2010 is already happening.  it is the realization that tomorrow is monday.  that our multitude of long weekends is over.  that our mornings of fitting together on the couch like puzzle pieces, one unto the other, will have to wait until next saturday.  the thought of it is enough for tears tonight.  i felt like a little kid when i told b, "but i don't wanna go to work tomorrow.  i just wanna be with youuuuuuuuu."  oh the world of growing up.  perpetually.  or something.

so, even in the midst of...i don't know, whatever this is...i have countless blessings.  and a life full of unanswered questions.  and proof after proof that want doesn't count for very much.  if wishes were horses, right?  but what would i go back and undo...redo...  nothing.  i would trade nothing.  so i keep moving forward.  keep on keepin on, really.

love.

and today, especially today, thanks for listening.  kisses and kisses.

saturday happened effortlessly

i was going to make a trip to our local nature center today but after awhile i thought it too late.  thought it too nice of a day for it to be uncrowded.  daydreamed a little about going when the weather is cooler.  (bundling up and hauling that camera around the two mile trail.  enjoying the quiet.  enjoying some bird noises perhaps.  holding a warm hand belonging to my husb.  he happens to have super warm hands.  all the time.  mine are always terribly cold..  even when it's hot out.  even in hawaii.)  when we got home after errands, i crunched on some of the leaves on our walkway, found this one (uncrunched) and thought, why do i need a nature center?

when i took this one i couldn't see the veins running through the leaf.  what i liked about it was the intense red being taken over slowly by the brown.  it seemed incredibly passionate.  and then i zoomed in.  and just could.not.believe how beautiful it really was.  just in its own being.  and in its slow death.  but, because i lost light so quickly, the next one is artificial light.  i don't think it matters.  it is so awe-some.  (so not bragging. so promise.)

^not a shadow.  just the dying part.  shadowy death creeps so slowly...

these were taken with my canon point & shoot.  my trusty dusty.  and the leaf came off of my very own tree.  sometimes i'm so sure i have to go looking for something when, in fact, it is right there before me.  laid out.  calling.  becoming my muse.

hope you all are having saturdays filled with plum ice creams and lilac scented pillows.  i didn't think today was going to be too wonderful but it ended up being quite delightful.

and now, popcorn and flight of the conchords.  seriously.  perfection.

flit and floating

my blushing hydrangeas

as down as i was last week i feel a bit as if i'm floating this week. not for any particular reason or lack of gravity. just an uncanny feeling of okay-ness. the feeling that i can handle what is thrown at me. something inside that says that, although things, possibly everything, will go wrong, i will survive it with grace.

it is possible i have had this feeling before but i am not remembering it in this moment. and so, i am reveling in this newfound...okay-ness. well reveling and fearing. just in case fate wants to catch me unawares...

i should be sleeping as i know i will feel as if a boulder crushed my entire soul when i awake in the morning. but the house is so quiet. all of my boys are laying (lying?) around, sprawled out, trying to combat the still night that sits outside of our window. the ceiling fan hums it's full-speed hum. other than that, the refrigerator occasionally does something. the ice in the icemaker shifts. the noises that go unnoticed in daytime are a lullaby of sorts. disjointed yet reliable.

there has always been something about the night that has kept me in its clutches. or perhaps not. perhaps there has always been something about sleep that has terrified me in the most primordial sense. as a child i cried my way through many a night. fighting sleep as if it were the devil. and even today. although i can't stay up nearly as late as i used to (how did i ever stay up until the sun rose? how did i ever stay up past midnight? oh, ok, that one was a stretch..) i am always fighting it.

and all the while, my love lies next to me in the sweetest sleep. he must know something i have been slow to catch onto. the safety of dreams. the peace that comes with heavy eyelids, slowing breath. perhaps it is about time that i join him in that sea of peaceful dreams. leave behind my fears. my wrong and learned behaviors. perhaps sleep and i need to start fresh. with a clean slate of sorts....

....zzzz....

june is slipping away v.2

**this original post was written last night at 11:59pm...but it recorded it as being written friday at 9 something...so i thought it very confusing. apparently when you edit a post (ie delete the words and retype) it keeps the time/date stamp. ah, always learning...**

in one minute ,sunday, and this weekend as we know it, will be over.

how?!

oh weekend, you were so kind to us. so unassuming. so gentle and serene.

oh home, how you sheltered us from haze and heat. how you loved us in your all encompassing way.

oh heart, could you ever have imagined such effortless joy? such seamless beauty?

oh life, as always, when my arms threaten to throw themselves up in exasperation, you are calming me. providing me with moments that fill me with such happiness.

the ever balance. the give and the take.

the juxtaposition and the constant education of what it means to be. and how that being is everything.

on frenemies

here are the rules:

you must first read nat the fat rat's blog entry, frenemies. then, come back and read this. it was meant to be a simple comment but the more i thought about it the more i realized i had too much to say for a mere comment section. and nobody likes a blowhard. so, i figured i'd post my response here.

before i begin, i must tell you that reading natalie's blog is like therapy. basically what i am saying is read it! it will make you laugh. it will restore your faith in humanity. it will make you feel like you are not alone in the world. all of these things i promise you.

ok.

where was i.

it seems in the past 6 months i have been repeatedly reminded to be thankful for what i have. and, at the same time, to refocus on what i have, instead of what i want. it seems so much easier to want. to want more. better. different. i feel this affects most everybody. i think it's a daily battle to refocus. most days i lose that battle but lately i've been trying to win it.

first. i saw a news story about a man who got a face transplant. i mean really, what better proof exists that there are miracles. it blew me away. during the story they showed pictures of the man before the surgery. he had no nose. he had only a hole in his face. (he had been hit by an electric rail car.) my whole life i have hated my nose. full on, full-fledged, hatred. in an instant, i thought, thank god i have my nose. regardless of what it looks like. i have a nose. and it's mine. in a way that may seem dramatic but i swear it wasn't, i felt like my life changed a little bit.

second. i read about a woman who had a staph infection that turned septic and, after a series of events (including the birth of her daughter), she lost both of her legs and one of her arms. (the time spacing between the news story and this was maybe two weeks.) lately i have been hating on my body. it doesn't seem to be doing what i want. i've been lazy and putting on weight and, in my upset-ness over this, binging on cheese. but all of a sudden i looked down at my legs (legs i have never loved) and thought, i have my legs. i felt silly and ashamed for hating legs that had never done me wrong. healthy legs. and, after some sun, nicely tanned legs. so they aren't the shape i'd like them to be. benny likes them. is there better criteria?

then. i happened upon a friend's facebook page. one of their 'groups' they belonged to was about a woman who had had a difficult pregnancy (the last four months of which were bedrest) and who was about to see her child for the first time, got out of bed to be wheeled in to see her daughter, and died. she had developed a blood clot that travelled to her brain and it killed her instantly. the story brought me to tears. how could it not? i immediately thought about how much i want children. but at what cost? i immediately told benny i'd rather have my life and be with him than have children. i'm not sure if that's selfish but it made me realize how full and happy my life is without children. i mean, i would love to create, carry and birth a child. but i love my husband and our life more than anything else. even those things i cannot comprehend.

i know the last one isn't exactly body-related but it really caused me to refocus on what i have versus what i may feel is missing in my life.

i have my good health, a wonderful loving handsome husband, our beautiful home that renews me each time i step inside. i have a body that is all mine. that is perfect regardless of if i see it that way (i'm trying). i have a family (blood and otherwise) that loves me. that supports me. friends who are my second family. i have a steady job. i have words, music, old cameras, and, of course, cheese :)

there are so many days where this is not my focus. i am trying to be better about this. better about being hard on myself. better about wondering why i'm not getting what i am wishing for. i know that my life is following its path. so far, i cannot complain.

we see what lies ahead by living through each day. i will try my hardest not to take any of the moments along the way for granted. i will succeed. and i will fail.

such is life.

xoxo

this one is about the double-edged sword that is regret

i work across the street from my high school. or, at least it was my high school 11-15 years ago. from my desk i can see students shuffling around. from class to class. from class to their cars. or just partaking in the general meandering of high school. do you remember that meandering? i sure do. it's the meandering of having a bathroom pass and not quite being ready to get back to class. the meandering of youth.

i think i remember those years. although i'm sure i don't. i remember blips. small pictures of that life. but i don't understand the me from those days. why i was who i was. why i wasn't who i wanted to be. was it really that hard? *sigh*

around 4 i glanced over and saw cheerleaders flipping around in the distance. back and forth. handsprings. cartwheels. flips without hands (do they have a name?). it is hard to know i wanted that then. that life. i tried out for cheer at the end of 8th grade but wasn't a great tumbler. and i was pretty much super dorky. and that is an understatement. but who knows why i didn't make it. i'm gonna guess the latter. but the weirdest part is that i still want that life. not to be forever 15. (shudder) but to be able to will my body to fly around. to cheer until my voice goes hoarse. and at the same time, it's so not my crowd. can you imagine me surrounded by air-heady blondes with huge fake boobs? oh goodness.

just give me the gymnastics. that'll tide me over.

but now, at 28, i wouldn't change anything about my life. had i been on cheer, i would be a completely different person. with a completely different life. i mean, there are a bazillion (to the 20th power) outcomes. and i don't want any of them except the one that i have.

so i've been trying to wrap my head around being happy about my past because each moment of it has created my present. but watching those happy and beautiful and limber girls flipping and cheering and being popular and having what i wanted so badly...

regretting is so pointless. there is no going back. no undoing. no redoing. there is only now. today and tomorrow. if i'm lucky. and if i ever want something so badly as i wanted to be a cheerleader, i know that it isn't going to come to me...i'll have to get off of my butt and make it happen for myself.

*experience is what you get when you don't get what you want*

this has been my mantra lately. i would like to learn from my mistakes without looking back and regretting them. know that each and every moment of my life is what it is for a specific reason. and that i am, and have been, in control. so i will continue to want. but i will strive to only learn from that wanting. and the getting and the not-getting alike.

random signs that there is a god

it is such a beautiful day out. the wind is dancing amongst all of our neighborhood trees. we have a nest of baby birds in one of the trees in our yard and they have been chirppy all day. on a day like today i am reminded with each cold gust of wind all that god is. (and before we go any further, i don't think god minds if i capitalize or not. we've talked about it and i'm pretty sure he has bigger fish to fry.)

sammy has been my constant companion all day. laying his warm body next to me, on my lap, etc whether i am sitting here in bed blogging or on the couch going through the coupons. he's usually so busy and scatter-brained that to get him to sit still for 5 minutes is unreal. but today he's just a cuddle-bug. and i get to reap in the benefits of how much heat all 14 lbs of him gives off.

i went to both target and trader joe's today. does it get any better than that??

at trader joe's i purchased their single most delectable item. havarti cheese. do you like cheese? do you like heaven? then you must try this cheese and i dare you to tell me it is not the single yummiest food ever. i tore a corner off (it comes in a big square chunk) and the minute i tasted it i thought, 'god does exist. and he is even in this cheese i am eating this very second.'

and just in case you needed proof that god has a sense of humor...yesterday ben and i were at bake n broil. if you are ever in long beach, go to bake n broil. every single thing they make is amazing. every. single. thing. so we are stuffing ourselves silly and i mention off-handedly (how else would i mention it?) that bake n broil makes bulimia seem like a good diet option because you can enjoy all of the sheer divinity that is the food and then get rid of it easily.

oh, of course i was kidding!

BUT. this morning. and i mean EARLY this morning. i woke up with a stomach ache unlike any other. and, to keep this short and sweet, had about an hour and a half long stomach flu. and as i walked out of the bathroom for the last time, i thought, 'well played, god. touche.' it was odd to feel so very close to him at a time like that. but who else?? i had to open my stupid mouth about throwing up and 12 hours later... (no pun intended. no really. no seriously. ok, maybe a little..)

so if you feel like peering into the window of my life today, it will look like this:

cats
cheese
husb
freshly folded laundry
peace
and
love

amen

hump day? more like slump day...

it is only 10:16 in the morning. i haven't even been up 3 hours yet. and yet...
all i have been saying all morning is "ugh."
i feel like i am having the blahs so badly today.
and i'm trying not to!
i am trying to be happy!
glad, even!!
but
my problems that are small (and i know they're small! incomparable even to others' small problems!)
are looming the size of texas.
or russia.
or mars.
ok, not mars. that was an exaggeration.
so i will try to be in love with all things today.
i will try to find happiness in each small victory.
like how i DID get my earring out of my ear this morning.*
(yikes)
or how i DID get my problem resolved with my credit card co.
(huge sigh of relief)
but i am thinking that today is a day that needs to be restarted.
perhaps if i just take a small nap at my desk...
i will wake up and everything will be like new.

*said earring was not stuck in my ear for any gross reason. i am a clean person. with clean ears. and earrings. but for some reason, the serrated posts did not agree with my ear-holes. and it was scary. although it did end without pain or blood being shed. amen.