emily b

thoughts on st thomas: part five

2010-03-04T07:43:00.000-08:00

1. i think i forgot to tell you about my random bloody nose that happened at dinner two nights ago. i thought my nose was just running. kept wiping it on my maroon napkin. then excused myself to the bathroom to find little smears of blood on my nose and cheek and my hands. i have never been more thankful for mood lighting than that evening. nobody noticed a thing. phew.

2. my buggy bite plight soldiers on. this morning we officially ran out of hydrocortisone so...we'll see how long we can stand it. i'm hoping we're nearing the end of constant ankle itching. it does make for awkward dinner conversation when one is leaning with their head practically on the table so that they can scratchscratchscratchscratch. i have the manners of a hobo, i am sure of it.

3. psych was on last night and we caught it right at the beginning. sheer destiny. i love psych. love. do you watch psych? it basically is my reason for always needing to have a tv. that and football season. all of the other stuff i probably wouldn't miss.. so it was like having a bit of home in all of this.

4. today at noon marks the end of the conference for b which means lots more time together. it also means it's thursday and only a few days away from heading back home. i think in my deepest of hearts i am wishing for this kind of vacation (well, the laying out by the pool/beach everyday part) but be able to sleep in my own bed at the end of the day. my dream vacation isn't much of a vacation at all as much as a hiding from the real world. at home. tell me i am not alone...

5. i called my ma yesterday for the first time since we landed and she said, 'i was just thinking about you...' and i thought, aww, that's sweet. but she wasn't done. '...and how you always call me when you're away and you hadn't called me this time and i thought that was interesting.' do you feel the love? i was like, just stop at 'i was just thinking about you.' i mean, really. i'm pretty sure she has lost all of her social graces. her ability to converse without somehow depressing you...gone.

6. today i will finish gatsby. only thirty pages left. then i may or may not move onto this side of paradise. another re-read. i have truly loved all of this reading time. i really need to make more time for it at home... shift the ratio of tv watching hours to a more reasonable number and re-educate myself on good dialogue. intelligent (wow, i just misspelled intelligent...touche) word choices. the mystery and romance of imaginary lives...

thoughts on st thomas: part four

2010-03-03T14:04:00.000-08:00

1. at one point last night i woke myself up by scratching my buggy bites with my own foot. see, i've got 12 bug bites between my knees and toes. and, in the heat of my sleeping, they get all kinds of itchy. and apparently, i knew this even in sleep. so i groggily found my way to the hydrocortisone and the cold washrags and said prayers about wishing away bug venom. or whatever the heck it is. spit? larvae? i just grossed myself out.

2. b woke up in the middle of the night with a headache the likes of which few men have seen. i know this because my boy is tough. and he was wincing and shuddering in pain. so i applied a cold washrag (not my buggy one, friends, worry not) and tripped over all of our stray pairs of shoes until i found my purse and then my advil. i administered it along with cold water to that handsome patient of mine and sat with him until he found sleep again.

3. we got a stray wake-up call at 6:30a. not ours, you see. and this was only an hour and half after we'd gotten back to sleep after foot itching and heads aching. seriously, marriott, you can go suck an egg.

4. we are halfway through our trip. the last four and a half days have gone by slower than i could have ever imagined. are we anywhere near the bermuda triangle? maybe we're stuck in the st thomas triangle...all twilight zoney and crap...

5. if you have a moment to think good, encouraging thoughts, please send them to heatherlynn, one of my most loyalest of readers and commenters and just an all-around wonderful girl. she is going through a tough time and while i sit here and chatter about really meaningless stuff, she is dealing with some big decisions and changes. so. i declare this week lovin on heatherlynn week. can ya dig it?? :)

6. dear tiger and sammy, i miss you boys so much and have been daydreaming about scooping your chubby selves up and lovin on you like nobody's business. hang in there, my sweet-and-handsomes. love, your mama

7. i am almost done with the wickedness that is gatsby. i feel quite like a 15 yr old and a literary genius all at the same time. half the time i'm reading it's like i'm mentally preparing for a book report. should i underline this? is this a thematic device? oh how school can ruin a good book. well, in some ways at least. have i ever told you that the first book i really liked reading for school was billy bathgate by e.l. doctorow? that is how i roll.

8. it is already march 3rd. how did that happen?? i'm tellin ya...bermuda triangle up in this place... when we get home it had better be in like a lion like nobody's business. i think march has got the sweetest motto of all months. and, actually, do other months have mottoes? dish.

thoughts on st thomas: part three

2010-03-02T07:15:00.000-08:00

1. i got all bit up by bugs last night. and i'm not so allergic that it is a medical emergency when i get bit. but just allergic enough to have each bite swell into a golf ball. well, a mini golf ball.

2. i got up all early and junk to go to a fashion show that was just different girls wearing different sarongs. um, yeah...

3. i get a whole half day with b today! the highlight of this trip thus far. we will be sunning and shading alternately for the afternoon and later tonight i will get to wear my dress that i bought on clearance from target for...wait for it...$13. and personally i think it's a beaut. (which you figured, right? because why else would i buy it?)

4. i've got, what i would call, and half tan. as in, i'm halfway to the tan for which i am longing. it feels incredibly good to not be as pastey pale as i was just last week. i look better in color. and b agrees.

5. pretty much the highlight of my life: i'm getting ready to sun. b's getting ready to roundtable. i'm applying suntan lotion and am all suited up and b looks at me and says "how did i get to marry this sexy girl??" so i'm pretty much conceited now, haha. ok, not really but for real. how did i get to marry that wonderful boy?

6. we've been lounging almost every night in the outdoor bar area with couple-friends from the conference. one of the best things that will come out of this whole trip may be a better friendship with them. we live in close proximity back home and they're a lot of fun. so pretty much a win-win.

7. i'm trying to be more positive but it comes in waves. i want to thank you for not cussing me out and calling me names because i am full of negativity. i'm trying to gain some perspective but am very in-the-moment right now and it's hard. but, there was not crazy music late last night. and i'll take any small victory i can get :)

xoxo

thoughts on st thomas: part two

2010-03-01T07:26:00.000-08:00

1. please pardon my lack of photos. i'm using b's laptop while we're away and don't quite have my bearings. there is sea, sun, and lush greenery. there is a hillside dotted with pink-roofed homes. there is the beach. there are people with various shades of tans. and burns. there are tropical drinks.

2. i would like to propose a bill to congress to ban splotchy sunburns. do you know the kind? it's when you're pretty sure you've lathered your entire body with suntan lotion. and it's not just that you're sure. you know you've lathered and lathered well. and then you sun. and then, hours later, you have a big bright red spot on the front of your shoulder. and one on your other wrist. while the rest of you is a nice shade of tan. how does this happen?? was it ever addressed in xfiles? i feel like maybe it has something to do with aliens...

3. we are into our third day here and it feels like the seventh. am i just all complaints and boo-hoos? last night at 1a, over the hum of the a/c and the tv, the unit below us was blasting mexican rap. mexican.rap. i could handle it for one song. was a bit perturbed by two. and called the front desk as they rounded out the third. mexican rap. seriously. it took a few more songs before i could tell that security had shown up and quieted them.

4. see, here's what. i do so appreciate being able to take a vacation. i so appreciate b's dad allowing me to come along on work trips to exotic places. and i could be just about anywhere, in any condition, and as long as i'm at the side of my love, i'm ok.

but this resort is a dump. even the pool is motel-like. and everything is expensive. and the service suuuuuuuucks. and the room is expensive. and there are little bugs all over the sink in the bathroom. so. yeah. it's hard because we can't pack up and leave and find somewhere else. but that is because this is a work trip for b. and i am along for the sun.

5. last night, as i searched for sleep, i landed the tv on 'the first wives club' and watched what i think may have been 75% of the movie. even though i wasn't tired, i forced myself to turn it off and find sleep. i mean, first wives club.

6. i am bad at schmoozing. that's what these trips are all about. i mean, for us wives. the boys go to meetings and roundtables and b comes back with all kinds of ideas to take back to work with him. the wives join up with their respectives for lunches and receptions and everyone makes small talk. but the only person i want to talk to is the one i married. i want to slink into a corner and just talk and talk. because we get each other. and also, because i have terrible hearing. and even at a table of ten i lose conversations like socks in a dryer. (no? seems all of my good analogies were left on the mainland..) the other thing is that b and i are at least ten years everyone's junior. but mostly twenty years their junior. and in some cases, thirty years. but while they're talking about their children and grands, passing around pictures, i fight the urge to show everyone our adorable boys. cat boys, that is. ugh. can you imagine? oh, but just look at our boys...and out comes a picture of our cats lazing in the sun. cuddled together. oh, but the looks we would get. oh, but how the conversations would cease.

7. i am counting down the days til we fly back home. home cooked meals. regularly priced bags of chips and bottled water. warm boys sleeping on my feet. neighbors who probably don't even know mexican rap exists. sorry to be such a bummer you guys. i know most of you are in the snow and praying for sun and here i am, where the low is 77. and i'm all blah.

8. pms. (but you knew that already, didn't you?)

thoughts on st thomas: part one

2010-02-28T13:29:00.000-08:00

1. i love wedges. i love wedge salads and i love wedge shoes. more particularly for this trip i am loving my wedge shoes. nothing is making me happier than navy wedges from payless with cute little bows over the toes. ok. the unlimited pool time may be making me happier. ok. sitting by the pool with b, in between his meetings, thinking of the craziest names possible for people, nothing makes me happier than that.

2. st thomas is kinda eh. the water is nice. yes. but the marriott we're staying at. yikes. pure and unadulterated yikes. it's like it's been frozen in time for twenty years. but not the kind of frozen in time where it still looks nice once thawed. ok, so perhaps not frozen in time at all. perhaps the sun has sucked out my ability to analogize.

3. for reading material, and aside from crossword puzzle and sudoku books, i brought f scott fitzgerald. this morning i leisurely read chapter one of great gatsby whilst sitting on our balcony. i watched little waves ripple in the bay. i watched boats buoy this way and that. and i envisioned gatsby's trembling arms reaching for the little green light. oh, and i felt like a huge dork. did i forget to mention that part? :)

4. we have a whole 'nother week here. and i will tell you that the hotel bed is pretty much like...oh i don't know. remember, my analogies, not so much. this bed makes our bed at home seem like a cloud straight outta heaven. out.of.heaven. which is good. because our bed at home is long-term. so, i guess if i had to pick a bed to be most comfortable, it would be the one i sleep in 98% of the time. but c'mon marriott. we're sleepin on bare springs here.

5. my inner clock is messssssssed up. the four hour time difference is like..what?? is it three in the afternoon or one in the morning. no clue.

6. watching olympic ice hockey whilst in st thomas...weird.

7. i miss you guys. i've been reading all of my favs (yes, you and you and you! and you!!) on my phone. so it makes it harder for comments. but i promise i am reading and loving all y'all. and will try to be better about commenting in my usual way :)

poolside, this is emily b, over and out. :)

p.s. not really poolside. actually in my room. so...deskside? much less romantic...

i've been quiet

2010-02-23T22:39:00.000-08:00

for reasons i will lay before you. i'm thinking you'll deem them important reasons to have been so...shushed.

1. i've got a bad attitude (isn't there a song that goes like that? or is that new attitude? i think new. yeah, mine was just bad.) you know. like, if you can't say something nice don't say anything at all. so i haven't been saying much.

yesterday at work my sister got pissed because i told her to multi-task. does a normal person get mad at such a thing? my sister is what i've termed, 'a piece of work.' ok, so i didn't term it. but she really is. a piece of work. and gosh does she make me mad. so today, all day, i wanted to say things like grow up. and, for real? and, it is technically impossible for the folders to file themselves.

but i did some serious lip-biting. because i knew whatever i had to say would come from a place of feelings-that-have-been-building-our-whole-lives. i knew whatever i said wouldn't come from the place i wanted it to.

2. we are going on a trip this friday. we'll be gone nine days. i am stresssssed. when i am stressed (with all the extra s's of course) i run out of words. or. my words run out of my fingers all wrong.

i hate leaving my boys. my furry boys, that is. i won't have to leave my boy boy because we travel together. like geese. or lions. with a loyalty only lions know... but i miss the heck outta my furry boys whenever we're away. i miss the one who waits for me in the bathroom doorway. i miss the one who curls up around my hand until it sweats. i always wish for our time away to move swiftly for them. and i wish they understood me when i tell them we'll always come home. oh, sigh. those boys. each of them a beat of my heart repeated over. over.

3. i continue on my path, searching for motherhood. this month has been my favorite so far, not because of a different outcome, because there isn't one, but because i felt light. lighter than i'd felt all of last year. (april, how are you feeling this month? i've been thinking of you!) i don't think it changes anything. this lightness. except it changed me. shedding worry like that.

4. i've spent every non-working hour attached to my boy. for tv time. for dinner time. for crossword puzzle time. and sleep time. see, the work hours have been creeeeping by. quite like molasses. and the non-work hours flybysofastyoucanbarelyseethem.

unfair, right?

so, i am back. well, as back as i can be after not really being away. you know what i mean. i really just missed you all. i've been feeding off of your words to give me strength when my own words seemed thin. weakish.

in other news, we had our trees trimmed last week. this little guy hung from a low branch since we bought the home. kinda came with it. and i didn't take him down before the tree guys came. and now...he's gone. but the branch he was on remains. how? and i'm really honestly sad. i'm looking to replace him...carry on his legacy...

on apologies: a mini-post

2010-02-18T14:46:00.000-08:00

have you, dear reader, been sucked into the media funhouse that is this whole tiger woods debacle? i have and i haven't. i mean, i think it's weird that there have been like no pictures of him for 3 months or something. (well, until one surfaced wherein he'd grown a beard. also, just had a lot of trouble spelling beard.) other than that, i just don't care.

is that weird?

"everyone's" saying they want an apology. why should tiger woods apologize to anyone besides his wife? his kids? i'm sorry, but if you were stupid enough to sleep with tiger woods anytime in the last however many years, i'm pretty sure you knew exactly who he was and exactly who he was married too. sorry, waitress-bartenders, he's not leaving his supermodel wife for you. i mean, he will sleep with you. but that's it.

so why should he apologize to them?

and his infidelities didn't affect me. whether he cheats on his wife or not, i am indifferent. i don't think it's right. at all. i can't say i don't like him less for it. but why should he apologize to me? what he did hurt his wife and family. and himself. that's it.

it hurt golf in general because he's so damn good. and he's popular. and he's got a name you can remember. (who's fred couples?) but he doesn't even owe golf an apology. i mean, unless he was cheating in terms of his golf game.

i just don't like high-horses. and i feel like the media is on the grandest high-horse of all time right now.
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dear tiger woods,

really? you're an idiot. yes, you are an amazing golfer, but leave the casanova-ing to single men.

sincerely, emily b.

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dear everyone who acts like this affects them,

tiger woods is a famous man. but at the root of that he is just a man. and he will have to answer to his family for his infidelity and idiocy. (should we call it anything else?) but you are no one and nothing to him as he is the same to you. so grow up a bit. and move on. either watch him golf in the future or don't. but don't act like this has any effect on your life.

sincerely, emily b.

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meeting adjourned.

what does it mean to be driven up a wall?

2010-02-16T12:22:00.000-08:00

i admit that it's my phrase of choice when it comes to family. for example, my mother is always driving me up some kind of wall or another. but i can't visualize it. like i'm cowering in the ceiling corner? i dunno. all i know is that it happens. and it has all kinds of side-effects like...scowling, loud sighing, and eye-rolling.

good grief does that woman make me want to roll my eyes.

my mom is many things. she is a fighter. in a good way. she is a hard worker. she used to be quite the artist and reader and she even sang in a choir. she has battled jra since she was three. she has (probably) battled depression my whole life. she raised both me and my sister all by herself. and i was not an easy child. and my sister is not an easy adult. so...not the sunniest of lives my mom has led.

certainly not the easiest by any measure.

as of late (oh, who am i kidding??), i mean, forever, she has been a drama queen. everything is a big deal. everything might just be the worst possible scenario. everything is worth three weeks of fretting. it's exhausting.

like, sure i got a great deal on tree-trimming but is the guy gonna hack the trees back too far? i don't know. i'm considering it a learning experience. it's like...if i'm not worried about it, why would you be? i'm freakin 29! and it's just trees! lordy, lady, can't we just have a simple conversation??

she is also very needy.

earlier i mentioned stopping by target and was there anything i could get her? perhaps i should have mentioned that i was just stopping by target and not planning a vacation stay. because holy goodness did that woman come up with everything she could think of for me to get.

i wanted to say, look lady, i'm going to get noxema and that's it, but i didn't have the heart. i still can't figure out how to say no to her and not feel terribly.

perhaps because she raised me. even though i was a pain in the ass.

ugh. seems what had gone around has come around. just as they said it would..

patron saint of saturdays and checklists

2010-02-13T12:49:00.000-08:00

(another phone pic (albeit sideways)...)

i don't have much to say today except for how much i just freakin love you all. today is consisting of yard work, laundry, bill-paying...you can see where this is going. the sun is out. the sky is bluuuuuue. (the more u's the bluer it is. fact.)

last night we watched a good percentage of the opening ceremonies. what followed, as i slept, were some of the weirdest dreams ever. one forced me to wake up and try my hardest to stay awake so that i wouldn't fall back into dreaming the same dream. i'm finding it hard to not blame canada for this... also, spoken word poetry or whatever it's called...i don't like it. will you still like me? i hope so... i just can't get into someone acting like their words are so important that they need to dramatically read them to me. do you know what i mean?

and it partly sounds like rapping. and it's usually like a white guy doing it so...it doesn't quite jive. (ya dig? oh, i crack myself up..) i don't know. i love words. mostly other people's words. and sometimes my own words but only like years after i've written them. and sometimes i read them and i'm like, did i seriously write this? and how can i do that again? but i would rather give up an important body part than get up on stage and act like my words are worth anyone's time.

tell me how you feel about this. dramatic poetry readings. i need opinions :)

patron saint of mylar balloons and bubbly handwriting: post-edit

2010-02-12T11:00:00.000-08:00

i never had a boyfriend in high school. this may be the saddest fact of my life. or it may just seem to have been the saddest fact of my life for four, formidable years. (what does formidable mean?) ok, no, formative. i meant 'formative' years. and there were four of them. and sure i had friends and all of that. but never the hand-holding. is your heart broken yet? *sigh*

every valentine's day they had balloon grams. or candy grams. or something grams and you could pay a buck and send your friend or more-than-friend said balloon, candy, something and it came with a colorful card and they'd interrupt class to deliver them. four years of wanting someone to want to send me a balloon. but isn't high school incredibly lonely in some ways?

i've been thinking about this all week, in response to ben's what's your take on valentine's day question. it's probably much like my take on christmas in that it's more about making up for past disappointments than present need. like...christmas always got screwed up when i was a kid. my parents would fight or my dad would be weird or etc and the day would be a bust. and valentine's day...most of my valentine's days have been spent alone wishing for a valentine. some have been spent not alone, pre-ben, and wishing for a valentine that felt more like...the one. that is possibly worse than being alone. feeling alone.

so now i have a valentine each and every year. and i kind of want to make the most of it. because i know how it feels to be all kinds of alone. and i am grateful every day that i don't feel that way anymore.

i hope you and you and you have a wonderful weekend whether it involves hearts or not. i hope you have sunshine and marshmallows and pretty scenery. if it so warrants, i hope you have a hand to hold. even if it's your pet's little paw. or your grandma's soft and wrinkly hand. or your own. sometimes you have to hold your own hand...

if we were in class, i'd drop little enveloped valentines into your shoeboxes. you're tops. bee mine. i choo-choo-choose you.

xoxoxo

*card from hello lucky...seriously...i cannot stop laughing at that hotdog...

post-edit:
just after i wrote this, i went out to the car to begin my errand running for uj's birthday lunch. and. i looked across the street at my old high school and there were a group of guys and girls, in tuxes and red dresses, carrying pink white & red balloons, about to deliver them to someone's boyfriend and someone's girlfriend. and i laughed a little bit. and then i remembered the exact feeling of sitting in those carpeted classrooms. attached desks&chairs. i felt old and young all at the same time...

but what a coinkydink, right?

oh thursday, i could just kiss you!

2010-02-11T12:32:00.000-08:00

(through the windshield and over our rooftop...our tree that needs trimming, you'll find to the left. our gutters that need cleaning so badly that they're growing plants, you'll find along the bottom.)

but couldn't you just kiss the air today? muah and muah! i am feeling more like myself these days which lends to a whole host of wonderfulness. not feeling like oneself is...hard. i especially use a lot of ellipses when i feel in such a state. although i use them when i am not in such a state either. so it isn't as telling as...

where am i going with this?

A.nywho.

we've been having perfectly terrific weather. a little rain storm the other day. sunshine today. chilly air and puffy clouds. flowers are bright and in blossom all over the place. the logistics of how it is becoming spring already...blows my mind.

i've taken to photographing with my iphone. not in a sell-outty way. but just look at that picture above. the blues are unreal. almost like i planned it that way. which i didn't. because you and i both know i could not plan for such a happenstance. (what does happenstance mean anyway?)

the past couple of days i've felt a bit manic. if there could be something good that comes out of mania. i have lots of energy. feel good. feel motivated. which is a welcome change from wanting to sleep the day away and not do anything. ever. (also known as pms...and during ms) so i am really grateful for this right now. these feelings. this feeling more like myself.

how is your thursday? and how are you feeling? and how do you do? :)

patron saint of cardwriters and chocolatiers

2010-02-10T12:30:00.000-08:00

my dad used to make us valentines and slip them into our lunch boxes. they'd always have rewordings of michael jackson songs and the like. he would draw elaborate hearts.

the valentine's day before i met ben, my then-boyfriend told me, on valentine's day, he didn't know if he was in love with me anymore. you know, he was sure he loved me. he just didn't quite know what it felt like to be in love with me. ouch. (although in a now-funny twist of fate, i did get a romantic-y gift from a good friend of his who i was more-than-flirting with...no, it wasn't my shining moment of morality but...it sure took the sting off of my dying relationship.)

this past weekend b asked me, so what's your take on valentine's day? it's the kind of question that seems to pre-answer the question if it were returned. my take on valentine's day...

i said it was a good excuse to be romantic. i said i could think of worse things in the world. i said i don't ever need an expensive dinner or jewelry or flowers or chocolates. (side note: never really liked just chocolate. i know!) i said what i would like, always and always, would be a card. store-bought, handmade...i'm not picky. but cards are my favorite. they last forever. they capture the emotions of a moment.

it helps that my handsome husb is probably the best cardwriter of. all. time. he fills all the blank space with his own words and they are always...perfect. i was rifling through my nightstand and found the stack of cards he's given me in the last almost-7 years. i sat in the quiet of the morning and read them over again. all of that love and sweetness washing over me. renewing me. i know i can always count on his words to do that for me.

so yeah, valentine's day is a commercialized mess. if you let it be. i'd much rather have a quiet day to ourselves. maybe a picnic in the park. a simple card-swap. hand holding. etc and etc.

just as long as there is no mention of not really knowing if one is in love with the other.

yikes.

picture from somewhere...i saw it on one of karey's posts...

dear february,

2010-02-08T12:29:00.000-08:00

i kind of want to know who you think you are. forcing yourself upon us, you short, napoleon-y month. i dunno. so far you have been a bear. just a real pain. and we've only just begun...

i've always liked you. you aren't in like a lion or any of that stuff. you're just small and quiet. usually. but this year you seem different. you've weighed me down in eight short days. left me feeling...tired. last night i tried to shrug you off and did forty sit-ups. i could have done forty more but i didn't. you'd won again.

i wanted to call in sick today, but didn't. i want to be excited about our trip at the end of this month to the tropics, but i can't. i am all worry and pouting. all stressful situations and no coping mechanisms. february, have you drugged me? i am just not myself...

if i were more like myself, i would buy bright tulips. i would stare at them all day long and take digital macro pictures of them. i would play with light. i would smile. i would be able to handle more than one thing at a time. i would feel awake. instead, i am reduced to a stick in the mud.

february, what are you trying to prove? was my overwhelmingly positive january attitude just too much for you? did i disgust you with my optimism? you could have just said so...we could have talked this out. i would have agreed to be a little less optimistic. i can compromise just as well as the next person.

i even know how to pronounce your name correctly. does this count for nothing? shouldn't it cement our friendship?

oh, february...your silence causes me heartache. speak to me. love me once again...

it's only a time and a face that you lose

2010-02-04T14:20:00.000-08:00

-stars

my first year of grad school was also my first year as a fiancee (my only year as a fiancee, in truth) was also my first year sharing a home with a boy. i had a dreamy schedule that allowed a couple full work days as well as sleeping in, study time, and a pleasant class schedule. oh how i long for that schedule these days...only without the need for study time or any sort of class schedule. hm. there were a couple mornings a week i would wake at my leisure, slowly, and i could scrape together whatever was due. that's always been my style. maybe that's why i still have school nightmares about showing up and something is due. and i'd completely forgotten. or i'd never known. and it's stressful. and all because i have never been one to prepare. oh how i hate(d) essay writing...or is that what i'm doing now?

my first year of grad school i was taking a full load of classes, working, and planning our wedding. there were times when it was dreamy. times when i thought i'd lost my mind. one time i took off my engagement ring and almost threw it at that man of mine because i was sick about arguing over our families. sigh. we have grown and changed a lot since then. it's hard to be two people in a small space. sometimes it really is. i remember the first time we really got into an argument in our new little beach home and i felt stuck. where could i go? there was no more being able to drive across cities to be in our own rooms. and yet, five years later, the handful of hours we get between work hours never seems enough. our arguments are fewer. less dramatic than to reduce us to ring-throwing. an unhung towel doesn't seem as tragic as it did then. a misplaced whatever warrants nothing. at first the learning was hard. now, i don't even notice it...

(today i so badly want to be home. wearing pajamas and thick socks. the heat humming on and off. i know i appreciated my old schedule when it was new to me. i know i did. but it still seems like i'd taken it for granted. to stroll into work at 12 and lunch and work and stroll home. to have time for bike-rides mid-morning. to lounge on the couch, sitting in the corner with a crossword puzzle and my cat boys nearby. to gaze out the window through the bare tree branches at the gray sky. rain is coming this weekend...)

in between our engagement and wedding, i think i endured the most challenging year of my life (to date). a year holding so many transitions. so many different lessons learned. trying to somehow retain literary theory and make a home with someone just as stubborn as i was. (am.) trying to write essays without cringing while trying to find a venue both near the ocean and handicap accessible and with an outdoor area for our ceremony as well as a large reception area. i gave up what i thought were dreams for a wedding covered in daisies and me in a simple dress with lace cap-sleeves. i gave in to a sweetheart neckline and roses. i was changing.

my first year of grad school...seems like a very long time ago...seems like a dream. all of it.

sometimes it just takes a little something

2010-02-03T15:32:00.000-08:00

to not take oneself too seriously.

to step back and be able to smile.

this week i'm tired and irritable (hl, that's one of those impossible-to-spell words for me!!) and easily annoyed.

i threatened my purse that i would burn it in a fire if it didn't cooperate.

my. purse.

oy.

such is life. i believe it was the summer before 9th grade i got my first period. (tmi?) we're going on 16 years of this. the first time i was so confused. i mean, i was prepared for the gist of it. but there is no video or pep talk that prepares an almost 14 year old girl for gut-wrenching pain. literally. gut-wrenching. curled up in bed and crying gut-wrenching. and it's been that way ever since. well, of course i fast made friends with advil. so that was that.

but riddle me this friends. why is there no video that shows a seemingly normal and sweet woman threatening her purse's life because she can't get her ipod into its pocket? because that is the reality, isn't it? and that is when you need a little something extra.

so what is my something this month?

have you heard black eyed peas "imma be"? it is a fun song. i mean, really fun. like i dare you not to dance. dare. BUT. that isn't even really it. it is, but it isn't. because it gets better. the beginning of the song goes like, "imma be, imma be, imma imma imma be, imma be, imma be, imma imma imma be..." now, because i am lucky, i married a guy with the quickest wit around. and, because you are lucky, he married a girl who writes about him. i don't know if he gets any part of this lucky stuff...although i am known to do a mean load of laundry...

whoa. let's bring this back around.

SO. we download said song and b starts singing, "imma be, imma be, i'm a fuckin bumble bee"...

AND. IT'S. PERFECT.

perfect.

now, whenever i hear it, i imagine chubby little gangsta bumble bee's dancing and singing and partying. and my heart could fly right out of my chest with pure exuberance. (did you even think this post would encompass the world of pms and the word 'exuberance'? i know...i didn't either...)

so, if this finds you in a questionable mood. or even a delightful mood, i highly suggest this song. and i highly suggest singing the alternate lyrics. i can promise it will make you feel cooler than fergie :) (and maybe that can take each of us a teensy step closer to josh duhamel...worth it, no?)

<3

for all that i have not, for all that i have

2010-02-01T10:21:00.000-08:00

i haven't got any fantastically witty pictures for you today. i haven't even got any plain old pictures today. just words. my constant companions. and here's the gist of them. i don't quite know if i'm in a bad mood. i think i am... i keep having thoughts about how taylor swift winning album of the year seems like a joke since she can't sing live for the life of her. or about how much some of my friends suck. see? you can clearly see why i think i'm in a bad mood... as i got ready for work this morning, i knew i had to accomplish two things of utmost importance. clean the litter box, for one. and take some chicken out of the freezer to commence defrosting because darn it all if a good home-cooked meal doesn't sound freakin delicious. and then i cleaned up the bathroom counter. wiped it all down. and it wasn't even on my two-item-list. maybe it's magic? for some reason, cleaning in the morning is so much easier than in the evening. (who am i?!) i even wished for some extra time to clean up the garage. (did you hear that thud? it was benny falling onto the floor. because i never. never. want to clean the garage. even when he begs. and promises me a romantic date. i always make a face. a face of evil, really.) but today, cleaning the garage would feel sooo good. god it's a mess in there. and i only went in there to get said frozen chicken. do you think it's awesome that we have two fridges? i do. well, it kind of makes me feel like a grandma...don't grandma's always have two fridges? so anyway, i go out there to get the chicken and...i see our christmas tree stand...atop boxes of decorations...atop... and so, i know it's time. time for a serious effort. but i am afraid it might also be the kind of day where i have he-man (she-ra?) amounts of energy until just about 4:30p. and then i'm exhausted. and then i just curl up on the couch and zone out. so, today, i guess i am praying for energy. the lasting kind. and patience. and the ability to hold my tongue. because with hateful thoughts about taylor swift, who knows what else i'm capable of today...

xo

in the swirl and the hiss of thursday

2010-01-28T21:00:00.000-08:00

(like the part where zooey pretends he's buddy and talks to franny from the abandoned bedroom to try to talk her out of her nervous breakdown. heartbreaking.)

i am more than a bit sad today. the news of jd salinger's death has quieted a happy part of me. the part of me that is in love with the language of words. the language of the glass family... i have read and re-read his books and stories. created images in my mind of faces and homes i will never know. he felt more like a distant grandfather than a stranger. i don't even know if he would like that. would like me to say that. but i'm saying it. and his words make me want to write words. i regret very deeply that, in the card i gave to b on our wedding day, as i was hiding away, waiting to be seen, i didn't write that quote...my favorite quote. *raise high the roof beam, carpenters. like ares comes the bridegroom, taller far than a tall man...* how i would go back just to whisper those words to my bridegroom. standing tall at the end of the aisle. all love and promises kept, and those to be kept.

aren't words everything sometimes? and other times it is all old book smell and worn pages against fingertips. words are everything.

dear mr. salinger,
we never did know one another. or did we somewhere in the fringes of consciousness? i feel like we were great friends in a past life. we laughed, i am sure of it. and talked of things that mattered and didn't. i can only hope we smoked cigarettes and drank coffee... today, when i read the news that you'd died, a part of me i didn't know existed became empty. i felt it, immediately, and realized i had carried you around with me all of this life, some lives past, and it would never cease. and that's fine by me, sir. please count on me passing your words down to my children and theirs. and please don't balk at such wild promises. you were far better than you could ever know. my words have not been the same since your words.

and these words are my vow.

your old friend, emily b.

thursday morning: a mini-post

2010-01-28T20:34:00.000-08:00

this morning i awoke to tiggy's plaintive cry. he was hungry. it was 5:30. a.m. so i fed him. and felt awake. we'd gone to sleep at 9:30. ish. and it felt so good. both the falling asleep and the waking. i crawled back into bed and closed my eyes. had fleeting dreams. was half-asleep. then that chubby gray boy cried again. and this time, it was a different cry. and i bolted up to find him. because, tiggy has two kinds of meows. the 'feed me/pet me' meow. and the 'the litter box is full and i'm about to pee on your couch' meow. and this was the latter. so i called to him. in a sleepy yet frantic way. and i went to cleaning the litter. which was disgustingly full. and i can't blame him for crying nor for waking me up. i wasn't even half-finished when he pushed his way past me to pee. that poor boy. so chubby and desperate. crisis averted, i headed back to bed. as i scootched, i felt b's hand under my back. he curled his arm, with me in it, and pulled me to his chest. bliss. he was so warm and soft and his sleepy breaths nearly put me right back into dreamland. until his alarm went off. blasting red hot chili peppers. hm. so he got up, showered. and i slept on his side of the bed. which was warm and soft and smelled like his skin. his hair. it was quite romantic is what it was. left me with sweet dreams. left me wishing i never had to get up to go to work. that he didn't either.

(before bed. and just plain happy.)

there are times, whole days, when you just know

2010-01-26T12:30:00.000-08:00

(outside of work, friday after a week of storming. so beautiful and bright. life-affirming. if you look closely, you can see both arches...the top one is very faint.)

sunday night i lay awake. my thoughts were like formula 1 racers. (you heard me.) ben had been sleeping for awhile. and i could not. could not fall asleep. could not shut up my brain's dialogue. or monologue, really. just on and on and on. see, i'm just paranoid enough to have the weirdest and worst thoughts imaginable. yet, just sane enough to know i'm making this all up. that all of those terrible thoughts about, wait, are those footsteps? or, wait, how quickly could i wake up ben and what would be our best escape route?

and then it's hours later. and i'm wide-eyed and awake. still.

so eventually i found sleep. and dreamt that an old love of b's came into town because she needed him. he was the only one who could help her. and i knew he'd never turn her down. and i knew he'd relish in spending time with her. and soon she was a part of our lives. and i was miserable. and she was conniving. and he was oblivious. but she's just a friend. but she just needs my help. all the while, she's crying alligator tears and slowly stealing my favorite&best.

i woke up at, i think, 3, gave a loud sigh, and went back to sleep to somehow recover from my emotional trauma. the next morning i laughed at the thought of me groaning out of sheer frustration at said dream. like, oh, give me a break! but for serious. why torture myself with my own thoughts?

and then monday was like a recovery of sorts. i was exhausted. (fighting for your man is exhausting.) and everything was a challenge. but i knew it would be that way. i knew it sunday night when every possible scenario of what-if/terrible/etc. flew threw my mind. and there is not much else to do but run with it.

or walk quickly. i am a terrible runner.

in the absence of real problems

2010-01-20T10:36:00.000-08:00

because there are moments when i feel myself changing. feel myself growing older. or growing up. because, perhaps, i am many people in one person. (but aren't we all?) lately i have been thinking about friendships. about how once-close friends can drift away. can grow and change in such different ways from oneself. it isn't as if it's on purpose. or even conscious. it just happens. and i accept the process of life. the progress and regress. but spending time with friends and feeling more like...an outsider. it's hard. wanting to talk about books. or about writing. or about art. when they're talking about...other things. perhaps that is why this blog seems to be a growing part of my life. a typed out dialogue between me and you. my newer friends. friends i've never met but to whom i feel so close. friends who may already know more about who i really am than my local friends. (which is a bit crazy, no? although, heartwarming on your part.)

i think so much of friendship is the holding on. holding on to what may have once connected you but now seems very small. not sturdy enough to hold. and the fear of being friend-less is overwhelming. see, i've never been one to stockpile friends. i've always had a choice few. the good ones. so suddenly the world seems very small. or very large and i feel very small.

i love that nat said that marriage is like a never-ending sleep over, you get to spend every day with your best friend. because i think my world would be unbearably lonely without that man of mine. my truly best friend. should there be bester? i don't really know how there could be.. he really gets me. it's comforting. after said outsider-inducing experience, it was like at least we have each other. it went unsaid.

i feel i am at an impasse. on the verge of changing my own life. taking charge of my own life... and i certainly know who i'll be hanging onto. (you! duh) but i have a feeling i will be letting go of some. not in any dramatic fashion or anything. just in the way of fading away. slowly but deliberately.

have you been through this before? these feelings? talk to me. xo.

a monday quite unlike a monday

2010-01-18T19:58:00.000-08:00

today was simply lovely. in all ways, i suppose. a day of gusting winds. moments of pouring rain. quiet and cold. i baked chocolate chip cookies and bought hummus. dessert and dinner. i (re)read some beautiful poetry. i wrote mini love letters in my head all day. very small ones in glassine envelopes. sealed in wax. stamped with a flowing lower-case e. in my head.

i overcooked the cookies but damn if they weren't still delicious. i was hurry hurry hurrying around thinking i'd be so late tonight but s is late instead. which is fine by me. the boy is at his mom's for dinner and tech support. seems everyone is in their place. my furry boys, one asleep, one roaming, looking for trouble.

the rain stopped much earlier. the sun came out. the sky blued. and what was our gray day piled up along the eastern horizon. all that's left, puddles, misplaced leaves, a chilly breeze. but it's january. and all of these things seem so fitting. who am i to ask anything be different tonight? and i don't.

earlier i did dishes to ray lamontagne and felt a peacefulness beyond compare. the washer was going. the dishwasher humming. then the whirring of the stand mixer...she needs a name...i will call her black beauty. as she is both things equally. soon, s and i will talk poetry. life. we will talk paris and travelling. i feel my heart aching for the arts. aching to read beautiful things, and see them.

have a sweet night, my pretties. xoxo

thursday, day of to-do's

2010-01-14T10:32:00.000-08:00

1. quarterlies, quarterlies, quarterlies

2. exchange the mister's undershirts at target for correct size. for the second time.
3. hit up trader joe's
4. stay positive
5. limit facebooking to after work (how is this even possible?!)
6. laundry
7. dishes
8. settle on a recipe for chicken chili
9. c-craw workout

then of course there is relax, enjoy time with the husb, pet the boys. i haven't included return said husb's xmas-gift-flip-flops that don't fit. (poor feet of said husb)

for the first time this week i actually have energy. and drive. the desire to accomplish.

*and she's off!*

here's what about me

2010-01-13T18:31:00.000-08:00

i've been stressed for the past week. stressed to the max, i might say. and today, a sigh of relief. it was most likely needless that i was as stressed as i was. but i am a worrier when it comes to worries. and there is still plenty to have on my mind. so now i've made a little stressless space. in which to breathe.

work is at its apex this month. this is the hardest month out of the entire year for me. most other months, i do monthly bookkeeping. general cleaning & filing. some months i do those things as well as quarterly bookkeeping. but this month. this month i do all of the above, end-of-year bookkeeping, 1099 documentation, server implementation, new software implementation, and appt scheduling for this upcoming tax season. some days i am vain enough to think i do everything. which i don't. but you can bet your bottom dollar that i'm doing about, oh, 99% more than the world's worst employee. aka my sister. who has filled her days looking on craigslist for godknowswhat and chatting with her (loser) friends. (who has a job at which they're chatting alllllll day?) my sister and her three friends. for serious. it's not that i really care. because it doesn't affect my job. it actually makes me look like a saint. but it's hard when your coworker sucks. and even harder when that same coworker is your sister. for whom you have little to no respect. and who you might trade for someone else. isn't that terribly sad?

in other news, i have found the premium sharp cheddar cheese slice. it comes from target. and is market pantry brand. soooo good. you know, if you like that sort of thing. i have compared it to both tillamook and trader joe's sliced cheddar cheeses and there is no comparison. i never thought i'd be buying cheese at target. i thought target was exclusively for clothing and paper goods. and picture frames. and toiletries. but now also cheese.

in other other news, i am in love with sunsets. i am so glad the days are getting longer because when i am leaving work i can take shots like this. instead of walking out to my car in the dark.

and every day it's different. some days better than others. but it's something to count on, isn't it? some days there are only two certainties. that the sun will rise and the sun will set. everything in between is luck. and chaos. incredible tragedy. insurmountable happiness. sandwiched between all of this beauty. all of this.

notes to self: a mini post

2010-01-12T15:39:00.000-08:00

-working out to a cindy crawford workout video will make you laugh in the moment. but you will not be laughing as you hurt the next day. (and shake your head...how did c-craw kick my butt??)
-if at all possible, plan all stressful things to happen at once. that way, you end up being kind of numb about everything. (heatherlynn, agree or disagree?)
-if you wait for your husband to want to go to costco to get frozen yogurt with you...it may never happen.
-you are allowed to think that kings of leon are a glorified tribute to bruce springstein. (i'm pretty sure that if my sex were on fire...that would not be a good thing. certainly not something i'd want to sing about...ouch...)

p.s. you know that movie scene that occurs in plenty of movies, where a character is standing in a busy area and everyone/thing else is flying by them but their face is blank and they just stand there? that is me this week. just kind of sleep-walking, hoping i 'wake up' in time for the weekend :)

hang on, friends..

to a baby brother acquired in adulthood

2010-01-08T13:44:00.000-08:00

(doesn't that sound delightfully ominous? oh sheer joy!)

dear zachy-pants,

today is your birthday. today is the day you were born. (i don't know what time. where you born before i'm writing this or were you just about on your way?) today the boy that would become my husband was no longer the baby. today dave's dreams of having a little sister began to crumble. but where would the world be without your truest and most honest laughter? what joy could we possibly find without knowing that you can see white water but you can't feel white water? although i told you last year that you are still young, i don't know...25 is a big one! :) ok, ok, 25 is fun. i think it will suit you perfectly. i'm hoping the gods of 25 allot both you and your lovely wife lots of vacation time so we can all party together. and possibly get drunk on all that is uncle julio's if we come out in september (for imts).

my wish for you is for the most amazing year. a year full of fun and adventure with your new wifey. a year full of happiness and friendship and fulfillment and all of the gifts you so deserve, both material and immaterial.

love, your sis
p.s. colors just for you :)