wednesday: a mini-post

i have been hard on myself this week.  when i am cranky, i reprimand myself for being cranky.  because that could only mean one thing.  when i am fighting tears, i am also fighting myself.  how dare i want to cry.  because it most likely only means one thing.  see, i am thinking that, if i don't feel differently this month than every other month, it means it didn't work.  it means this month will end just like all the others.  in disappointment.  i can promise you i did very little of getting my hopes up since two weeks ago.  i did very well with not getting ahead of myself.  but today i feel like my disappointment is crushing me.  nothing is certain yet and i still have a few more days of waiting.  but i'm pretty sure that, since all the signs are there, this is just another bout of pms.  i just really really really...  really wanted this to work.  this time.  this month.  this year.  i know we aren't out of options.  i know we've got plenty of time.  i know it could be worse.  as it always can be.  but...

the japanese maple tells me it's spring

 (see?  told ya.)

and i believe it.  how could i not?  all around our house are blooms and blossoms and baby-green leaves.  and bugs.  eh.  i can stand some bugs.  but not bugs that can harm me.  bugs that can sting and have dangly legs.  wasps are they?  or hornets?  or evil?  it's really the hangy legs though.  blech.

tonight b and i are going to his parent's house for seder.  eh.  it's hard, ya know?  being a part of something when you'd rather be...home.  in comfortable clothes.  not singing hebrew.  it would be like having them over for an easter egg hunt...  not gonna happen.  oh well.  the food will be good.  and i'll be with my guy.  so there are worse things.  oh much worse things.

also, you know how acne at 13 is like devastating?  well i'd like to submit that it is way worse at 29.  i mean.  it makes me feel so old.  having zits show up all over my face.  this is my attempt at resolving this peacefully...dear acne, please go away.  i'm pretty sure i look and feel better when you are not on my face.  also, you suck.  thanks.  well, that and noxema.  and face scrub things.  and salicylic acid.  damn you, acne.

let's see, what else...  a client just called and was all a bitch because i didn't know if her return would be ready for her wednesday, thursday or friday.  (hello!  do i look like a psychic?)  so she got all mad-like and demanded uj call her back.  give me a break.  knowing your return will be ready sometime this week isn't enough?  what, do you want a 6-hour window?  frickin frack.

last night we watched casablanca and i really enjoyed it.  i think 1hr45min is my max movie enjoyment time.  after that i get antsy.  two hours is like an eternity.  and i don't care if you're james cameron.  two hours (or, omg, three hours!) of someone's life is a.long.time.  talk to me about this.

xoxo

today i...

...came into work an hour early so that my weekend could start an hour early  :)

...am having a horrendous hair day.  super yikes.

...multi-tasked like a biotch this morning, doing laundry while i showered, so that i could have one of my cute new shirts to wear out tonight

...get to go on a date with my favorite guy...the best part of the weekend

...am trying to feel a bit more hopeful

...am grateful for what i have

...packed spaghetti and meatballs for lunch  :)

...better get some frozen yogurt!!  (benny!)

...am hoping the hands on the clock fly fly fly and it's 4:00 in no time

...am reading all of your words and feeling inspired

x's and o's my friends,
em

i spell trouble t-i-g-g-y

 (who me?)

don't let that face fool you, folks.

i know.  it's hard to not get lost in those innocent eyes.

ugh.

this morning i just about called the cops on that boy.  haul him away, boys!  i wanted to say.  but i didn't.  i just about threw him out onto the cold porch to fend for his chubby self.  but i didn't do that either.  instead i told him to pack his bags.  he didn't seem too concerned.

for the last month he has woken me up every morning.  (every morning!)  at 5:30.  oh.my.god.  oh i'm sure it's fine training for when i have someday-children but for friggin frack's sake.  let me rest, tiggs!

this morning he woke me up, not only at 5:30, but continued to bother me, after i got up to escort him to his food bowl, until almost 6.  see, that's the thing.  he wants food.  and he has it.  but he's a special boy.  see, he needs to be walked to his bowl.

now maybe you're thinking just sleep through it!  ha.  that is what i say to that.  ha.  this 15 pound wonder thunders across our bed.  over and over.  sometimes he runs around the whole house, up on ben's side of the bed, down on my side, running clear across our torsos, rinse and repeat.  it would be inhuman to sleep through such torture.

i am at my wit's end is what it is.  he has food.  he wants food.  but he cannot seem to figure out checking if he has food.  nope.  he goes straight for thundering.  i should record the noise.  it's almost laughable.

that chubby boy.  he may just be the end of me.

home is both a place and a feeling

 (love)

dear house,

last thursday marked two years since we opened your door with our very own key.  sure they left you full of dust balls and crumbs on the floor.  sure they left your refrigerator covered in juice box leakings.  but it didn't matter.  we cleaned you up with a pride we hadn't known before.  we called you ours.

you've seen us fight.  love.  laugh.  cry.  you've protected us from the world.  we painted your rooms.  decorated your walls.  we come home to you each day with a sigh of relief.

i love your green living room.  your afternoon sunlight pouring through the windows.  your creaky wooden floors.  your bedroom window that shows us all the stars.  sometimes the moon.  your forgiving nature.  your steady structure.

this past year saw one of your bathrooms repainted, your trees trimmed, your patio furnished, your kitchen reorganized, your living room refurnished and completed, and etc.

my plans for this next year are quite fantastic.  i think it's about time we fill your master bedroom walls with pictures.  i just can't take four bare walls any longer.  and i think you agree that even two years is too long to go without decor.  we'll also rearrange your garage so it's much more accommodating for ping-pong and other leisurely things.  i think you'll like that.

thank you for being you.  for letting us be us.  for keeping us safe and warm.  and happy.

signed your only female resident,emily b.

*half of what i say is meaningless...

...but i say it just to reach you*  -beatles

isn't that a gorgeous song?  if i liked the name julia it'd be a sure bet for a baby name but...eh.  i love the song though.  i like to think everyone has a song that fits their name.  i think i got pretty lucky with s & g's for emily, whenever i may find her.  and i've always thought of naming a girl elise just because of the cure song a letter to elise.  only the cover by further seems forever.  i could listen to that song over and over.

do you have a name song?  think about it and discuss  :)

last week i bought the white album and sgt peppers.  i thought it high-time for a re-education of sorts.  back to the music that i loved as a child and now more than ever.  i can do nothing to not tear up every time i hear i will.  one of those i should have played it at my wedding songs.  i've got a lot of italics going on today, don't i??  yowzers.

i seem to be on a bit of a shopping kick lately.  i don't like it.  i mean, i like shopping.  but.  not all at once.  it just seems there are these periods of time when i realize i need (need!) all sorts of things.  but do i?  see, today, i say yes.  two weeks from now, i may have more restraint.  ugh.  i almost bought two pairs of my favorite steve madden flats from dsw.  i just couldn't pull the trigger on 80$ worth of shoes.  even though i'd be replacing a pair that is falling apart.  and another pair that never fit right because it was a sister-brand.  see?  i talk myself in.  i talk myself out.

an.y.who.

i'm trying to get through this longest of work days.  and is it only tuesday??  impossible...  maybe after work i'll take our watches in to get new batteries.  so i can wear a watch again.  for the first time in over a year.  or about a year.  that's a long time to slack off on getting a new battery.  and it would help me be less stressed if ever i want to immediately know the time.  which happens.  is it five yet?  oy.

more on saturday (not to be confused with moron saturday...totttttttally different)

yesterday was like a dream.  (which is fitting considering yesterday's post title.)  but really.  we lived yesterday like we were in some movie about a perfect afternoon.  it was one of the best days i've had in over two weeks.  and i finally felt like the me who laughs and has a good time and is capable of being positive.


in the morning we had our second dr.s appt.  first one was friday, when my dr was off for the day so i had to see another dr.  (blah)  so i got to see my dr saturday and afterward ben says, now that's a good doctor.  so true.  and it was ever more obvious because of seeing the other dr on friday.  of course, all of this dr stuff doesn't really mean anything.  we decided to do two rounds of treatment, hence the two appts.  i won't have news, either exciting or not, for awhile.  but if i have news, i'd like it to be exciting.  (duh.)


then i rested for a bit.

then we moseyed on over to the spectrum and walked and talked and laughed and got golden spoon and i got big girl lipstick at the body shop (soft red.  i know!) and got ben the. most. ridiculous. sunglasses.  omg.  and i never really use omg.  if i have ever melted into a puddle it was yesterday.  here's proof of why:

(i mean, seriously.)

how could my day not have been made?  after the sunglasses the moseying became more difficult because i couldn't take my eyes off of that guy.  moseying and drooling make an odd combination.  so we came home and vegged out.


it wasn't the kind of day that was extraordinary in any way except it just was.  it just was fated to be.  and those are the best days.  the kind you couldn't have planned if you tried.


hope y'all have had weekends full of only the good stuff.  fill me in!  :)

saturdays are for dreamers

 (spring)

at some point during the dark morning hours i had my recurring grandpa dream.  i first had it back in july.  and i've had similar dreams since but very rarely.  once in st thomas.  but i think this is the second or third dream this week.  where i run up to him and we hug and it's like i'm holding on to him to save my life.  last night the dream was the same only he was crying too.  see, i am always crying.  and he is always reassuring me.  calming me.  but last night he cried too.  and i woke up almost immediately as i had been crying, not only in my dream but also, in my sleep.  it wasn't like the first time.  when i cried and cried and cried.  it was very small.  a whimper.  and i tried to rush back to sleep, to dream him again, but it was gone.  three times this week.  what i am pretending it means is that he is with me, helping us to conceive the child we will name after him.  or perhaps i just need his comforting so much, my subconscious is obsessed.  there is not enough money in the world to pay what i would to hug my grandpa one more time.  it was one of the most loving feelings i will ever know.

(right now, sammy is sleeping on his back with his tongue hanging out of his mouth.  hilarious.  just a minute ago, he was having some sort of fabulous dream, making funny little noises with all of his paws flailing.)

i don't know what the rest of the day holds for us.  the weather is beautiful.  it really feels like spring now.  everything is a fresh green color.  new.

what are you doing this saturday?  one of my favorite etsy shops, studio mela, is having a fantabulous sale.  shelli is so super nice and talented i can't help but spread the word.  i've got my eye on this one.  and this one.  to stow away until it has a purpose.  because i am trying my best to be hopeful.  right in this moment, anyway.

*and with stars falling on a canvas that was painted like the ocean, we wept*

(the title has nothing to do with the post.  or so i think.  just a line i thought up last night before sleep.  i'm thinking a title for some unwritten poem.)

(have you ever seen clouds like these?  they were surreal.  like the ghosts of eagles.)

i've been having a hard time this week.  which is an understatement but the truth all the same.  basically, and in short, my world is turning upside down and i'm just concentrating on hanging on.  my mom, who has struggled with her disability and recent declining health, is talking very seriously about taking charge of the end of her life.  which is the nicest way i can think to put it.  she's talked about this before.  and often.  so it's not a strange conversation at this point.  but i definitely get the sense that she's trying to get as much closure as possible and i am wondering if she'll still be here come december.  right now i'm all logistics and ration.  which are good things to focus on.  i haven't been able to find tears all week but then i think of all the times i'm washing dishes and get all tight in my jaw.  useless.

tomorrow is our first round of a.r.t.  i don't know if you want any more detail than that.  i think somewhere in my mind i'm excited but mostly i feel hopeless.  and really for no reason.  but i've always been a 'prepare for the best but expect the worst' kind of person.  so if you happen to have any extra good thoughts and want to send them my way, i'll take 'em  :)  we haven't even really told anyone.  i told my mom, but only out of necessity.  i'm usually her ride on fridays so when i'm unavailable, she knows about it.  but i really didn't want to tell her.  and i haven't wanted to tell anyone.  (except you guys.)  because i feel like there isn't anything to tell.  and i have this vision of everyone standing around tapping their toes waiting for an answer and it's overwhelming.  i've gone back and forth weighing the advantages of having a support system but, as is my m.o., i've opted for hobbit-like behavior.

last night b got a new car.  which means i get his car.  which means i am now the proud driver of a vehicle with a/c.  for the first time in over a year.  tuesday it was 90degrees.  wrap your heads around that one for a second.  90 in march.  it was awful.  i can stand sweating in august.  even october.  but not march.  not when it's supposed to be out like a lamb.  90 is not lamb-like.  but i digress.  new (to me) car.  i am very excited.  it's certainly a step up from my little prizm.  but it also means i need to say goodbye to my car.  which has been with me for almost ten years.  formative years, i may add.  (aren't they all formative?  hm.)  but then i think about nav and xm and heated seats and just having a bit more room.  it's really nice.

the boys have been sick for a couple of days.  puking all over the house and etc.  sigh.

i feel like i'm moving through this week like a zombie.  all of these things pulling me and pushing me and i just keep moving.  i'm not happy.  i'm not sad.  i'm kind of nothing.  which is just weird.  i'm hoping it's just like emotional overload.  like my body is in survival mode and won't let me get too upset about anything.  because it's a rollercoaster, really.  this week.  this year.  and i guess i'd rather be a zombie than laughing one minute crying the next over and over again.  it would be exhausting.  bear with me..  i'm counting on feeling more like myself a-sap  :)

xo

to the one i married

yesterday i was feeling so broken.  until you came home.  and you listened to everything i was saying.  i mean really listened.  and you even heard the things i didn't have the words to say.  and you calmed me.  and loved me.  and told me i wasn't broken.  it is true that my life has been a crapstorm of events but the moment i met you it was like it all made sense.  everything led me right into your arms.  and since then i feel like i've grown into myself.  like i've learned how to be happy again.

last night i wanted to tell you that you're the reason my life makes any sense.  but you'd just fallen asleep.  so i whispered it hoping you'd hear it echo in your dreams somewhere.  you are the only one for me.

and this morning when you filled the house with silliness and fun...i just wanted to freeze time.  stop everything outside of our house from happening and just be with you in those moments and have them last all day.  i wanted to run around the house and throw my arms around you over and over again.  it was bliss amidst everything else that's going on.

that is what you have always been.  my shining light in the dark.  my silver lining.  my truest and only.  my favorite and best.

lately i've been thinking about watching our feet dangle over the ocean.  howeverhighup we were.  the more time that passes the more romantic it gets.  the two of us parasailing in the rain.  our feet against the deepest turquoise below.  sometimes i love you just doesn't suffice.

but i so love you.

yours always,
the one you married

sometimes you have to turn it all off

you have to shut out the noise.  shut up the editor in your brain that makes your fingers tremble under the weight of what if these words aren't (good) enough.

i pulled out my laptop, got into bed, and tiggy jumped into my lap.  something he never does at this time of night.  and he is still there.  asleep across my indian-style knees.  i thought, maybe i shouldn't write tonight.  i thought, maybe if i prop the laptop up here at an angle then...it will work.

then i sat here with my fingers on the keys for.ever.  ok, five minutes.  but five minutes of waiting for the words to come out is like...forever.

(me and nala, 2004)

tonight we went to ben's parents' house.  tomorrow they will put down their golden lab, nala.  she is almost 14 and just about the sweetest girl you'd ever meet.  it's hard to say goodbye to that kind of love.  hard to know i rubbed her head and called her a sweet girl for the last time tonight.


so you can bet i'll sit in this awkward position, typing across my body, for as long as tiggy wants to lay on me.  he is so heavy and warm and soft.  sammy's asleep at my feet.  the love i have for these boys is.  well there aren't words for that kind of love.  you know the kind...

and so what else.  i dunno guys.  i've been sitting here with my fingers on the keyboard almost half an hour.  with nothing to show for it.  i know this is not even close to good reading so i appreciate in advance your reading it anyway  :)  i promise promise promise more exciting words.  certainly prettier words.  and some stories.  i'm just comin up empty tonight.


zzzz............

duh!

it's the ides of march!  gah!  no wonder!

i like when something, no matter its irrelevance, can make sense out of a day.

:)

do you remember that flashback scene from 'airplane' where the guy is stabbed in the back on the dance floor but elaine just thinks he's doing a cool dance move?

it's like it's all coming together!

xo

stowing away

(my stowaway, pre-st thomas)

i didn't quite know what i was doing until i saw this picture and thought of my little orange stowaway and then thought, yes, that is what i'm doing.  in a way.  not entirely.  but kind of.


it seems like i just haven't been able to say anything without sounding either whiny or bitchy.  and i'm really neither.  well, today at least.  and not the last week either.  but every time i'd start a post, an email to a friend, a facebook status update...nothing would suffice.  i am in this odd place between wanting to connect with people and then not having anything to say.  or something.

i have missed my blog and i have missed you guys...i've just been very quiet as of late.  i promise it isn't permanent.  and it isn't for any great or devastating reason.  i'm hoping it means my genius will be shining through at any moment.

(see?  even that.  like it sounds like i'm being all down.  but i'm not.  or i'm not trying to be.  or i just am and don't even know it yet.)


how come the time change leaves me feeling jetlagged?  you too?  i mean, it's only an hour different right?  i think the time change always leaves me with a lot of questions.  most of them sound like 'why.'


i'll try to be back here soon.  i think it helps my brain if i get rid of some of those extra words and thoughts and worries in there.  even when my body resists all types of reasoning.  and refuses to type.  or converse.  and i shut down.  and become reclusive.  and becoming a recluse doesn't help anything at all, does it?  no sir it does not.

numbers and letters

is there anything else?  before we left i was counting down the days until we were in utter paradise.  then, upon arrival in said paradise, realized it was much more photogenic than it was a paradise.  and began to count down the days until returning home.  to our paradise.  our bed.  our cuddly purry chubby boys.  now it's day two of this week and i'm counting down to the weekend.  only i don't know why.  there are no plans.  last saturday marked six months between my birthdays.  and now i am growing closer and closer to thirty.  with which i am ok.  thirty will be a big year.  in one way or another.  or who knows.  so i'm looking forward to that but not counting down.  the days seem to move so quickly now i don't want to lose the next six months to predictable nonsense.

in the midst of all of this 'trying to make a baby' stuff it's all numbers.  days in a cycle.  days of this phase and the next.  days of waiting.  and hoping.  hormone levels.  counts.  timing.  timing.  timing.  and aren't we laughing that it hasn't been timing all along.  almost two and a half years of wondering what we've been doing wrong and it wasn't the counting at all.  i wouldn't mind counting down for nine months but nobody asked me either.  until then.  days and days.  months.

before our wedding i made a countdown sheet.  eight and a half by eleven of numbers.  decreasing in value.  increasing in excitement.  and stress.  but mostly excitement.  and love.  before i turn thirty we'll have been married four years.  this may we met over seven years ago.  seven years of being crazy in love.  that's middle school and high school, guys.  that is freakin serious stuff right there  :)

this morning i got up at the first alarm.  i didn't snooze.  i wanted to.  but i knew i had to shower and do laundry and grocery shop.  mostly things i was too tired to do last night.  i still made it into work by nine.  and started with payroll tax deposits and ui rates and workers comp audits.  i may brag just a bit about being able to decipher a five from a six on a fuzzy fax.  i have a feeling i won't be bragging when i'm fifty and subscribing to the large print edition of readers digest.  hm.

tonight, the one i married has a meeting.  he won't be home until after eight.  maybe nine.  i've been methodically planning my time tonight.  i want to clean up my life.  i've got stacks of crap every.where.  and i want it all gone.  so i want time for that.  ok, not cleaning up my whole life but at least my nightstand, our dresser, the table in my office.  (oy.)

and maybe i'll read a chapter or two from this side of paradise.  that amory blaine and his wacky mum.  the both of them so affected...

are you reading tonight?  are you reading at all?  i need some suggestions.  i really truly loved re-reading gatsby.  maybe i'll post something short on that later.  i was so glad for the time to read it.  so, yes, are you reading?  fill me in  :)

thoughts on st thomas: part five

1.  i think i forgot to tell you about my random bloody nose that happened at dinner two nights ago.  i thought my nose was just running.  kept wiping it on my maroon napkin.  then excused myself to the bathroom to find little smears of blood on my nose and cheek and my hands.  i have never been more thankful for mood lighting than that evening.  nobody noticed a thing.  phew.

2.  my buggy bite plight soldiers on.  this morning we officially ran out of hydrocortisone so...we'll see how long we can stand it.  i'm hoping we're nearing the end of constant ankle itching.  it does make for awkward dinner conversation when one is leaning with their head practically on the table so that they can scratchscratchscratchscratch.  i have the manners of a hobo, i am sure of it.

3.  psych was on last night and we caught it right at the beginning.  sheer destiny.  i love psych.  love.  do you watch psych?  it basically is  my reason for always needing to have a tv.  that and football season.  all of the other stuff i probably wouldn't miss..  so it was like having a bit of home in all of this.

4.  today at noon marks the end of the conference for b which means lots more time together.  it also means it's thursday and only a few days away from heading back home.  i think in my deepest of hearts i am wishing for this kind of vacation (well, the laying out by the pool/beach everyday part) but be able to sleep in my own bed at the end of the day.  my dream vacation isn't much of a vacation at all as much as a hiding from the real world.  at home.  tell me i am not alone...

5.  i called my ma yesterday for the first time since we landed and she said, 'i was just thinking about you...' and i thought, aww, that's sweet.  but she wasn't done.  '...and how you always call me when you're away and you hadn't called me this time and i thought that was interesting.'  do you feel the love?  i was like, just stop at 'i was just thinking about you.'  i mean, really.  i'm pretty sure she has lost all of her social graces.  her ability to converse without somehow depressing you...gone.

6.  today i will finish gatsby.  only thirty pages left.  then i may or may not move onto this side of paradise.  another re-read.  i have truly loved all of this reading time.  i really need to make more time for it at home...  shift the ratio of tv watching hours to a more reasonable number and re-educate myself on good dialogue.  intelligent (wow, i just misspelled intelligent...touche) word choices.  the mystery and romance of imaginary lives...

thoughts on st thomas: part four

1.  at one point last night i woke myself up by scratching my buggy bites with my own foot.  see, i've got 12 bug bites between my knees and toes.  and, in the heat of my sleeping, they get all kinds of itchy.  and apparently, i knew this even in sleep.  so i groggily found my way to the hydrocortisone and the cold washrags and said prayers about wishing away bug venom.  or whatever the heck it is.  spit?  larvae?  i just grossed myself out.

2.  b woke up in the middle of the night with a headache the likes of which few men have seen.  i know this because my boy is tough.  and he was wincing and shuddering in pain.  so i applied a cold washrag (not my buggy one, friends, worry not) and tripped over all of our stray pairs of shoes until i found my purse and then my advil.  i administered it along with cold water to that handsome patient of mine and sat with him until he found sleep again.

3.  we got a stray wake-up call at 6:30a.  not ours, you see.  and this was only an hour and half after we'd gotten back to sleep after foot itching and heads aching.  seriously, marriott, you can go suck an egg.

4.  we are halfway through our trip.  the last four and a half days have gone by slower than i could have ever imagined.  are we anywhere near the bermuda triangle?  maybe we're stuck in the st thomas triangle...all twilight zoney and crap...

5.  if you have a moment to think good, encouraging thoughts, please send them to heatherlynn, one of my most loyalest of readers and commenters and just an all-around wonderful girl.  she is going through a tough time and while i sit here and chatter about really meaningless stuff, she is dealing with some big decisions and changes.  so.  i declare this week lovin on heatherlynn week.  can ya dig it??  :)

6.  dear tiger and sammy,  i miss you boys so much and have been daydreaming about scooping your chubby selves up and lovin on you like nobody's business.  hang in there, my sweet-and-handsomes.  love, your mama

7.  i am almost done with the wickedness that is gatsby.  i feel quite like a 15 yr old and a literary genius all at the same time.  half the time i'm reading it's like i'm mentally preparing for a book report.  should i underline this?  is this a thematic device?  oh how school can ruin a good book.  well, in some ways at least.  have i ever told you that the first book i really liked reading for school was billy bathgate by e.l. doctorow?  that is how i roll.


8.  it is already march 3rd.  how did that happen??  i'm tellin ya...bermuda triangle up in this place...  when we get home it had better be in like a lion like nobody's business.  i think march has got the sweetest motto of all months.  and, actually, do other months have mottoes?  dish.

thoughts on st thomas: part three

1.  i got all bit up by bugs last night.  and i'm not so allergic that it is a medical emergency when i get bit.  but just allergic enough to have each bite swell into a golf ball.  well, a mini golf ball.

2.  i got up all early and junk to go to a fashion show that was just different girls wearing different sarongs.  um, yeah...

3.  i get a whole half day with b today!  the highlight of this trip thus far.  we will be sunning and shading alternately for the afternoon and later tonight i will get to wear my dress that i bought on clearance from target for...wait for it...$13.  and personally i think it's a beaut.  (which you figured, right? because why else would i buy it?)

4.  i've got, what i would call, and half tan.  as in, i'm halfway to the tan for which i am longing.  it feels incredibly good to not be as pastey pale as i was just last week.  i look better in color.  and b agrees.

5.  pretty much the highlight of my life:  i'm getting ready to sun.  b's getting ready to roundtable.  i'm applying suntan lotion and am all suited up and b looks at me and says "how did i get to marry this sexy girl??"  so i'm pretty much conceited now, haha.  ok, not really but for real.  how did i get to marry that wonderful boy?

6.  we've been lounging almost every night in the outdoor bar area with couple-friends from the conference.  one of the best things that will come out of this whole trip may be a better friendship with them.  we live in close proximity back home and they're a lot of fun.  so pretty much a win-win.

7.  i'm trying to be more positive but it comes in waves.  i want to thank you for not cussing me out and calling me names because i am full of negativity.  i'm trying to gain some perspective but am very in-the-moment right now and it's hard.  but, there was not crazy music late last night.  and i'll take any small victory i can get  :)

xoxo

thoughts on st thomas: part two

1.  please pardon my lack of photos.  i'm using b's laptop while we're away and don't quite have my bearings.  there is sea, sun, and lush greenery.  there is a hillside dotted with pink-roofed homes.  there is the beach.  there are people with various shades of tans.  and burns.  there are tropical drinks.

2.  i would like to propose a bill to congress to ban splotchy sunburns.  do you know the kind?  it's when you're pretty sure you've lathered your entire body with suntan lotion.  and it's not just that you're sure.  you know you've lathered and lathered well.  and then you sun.  and then, hours later, you have a big bright red spot on the front of your shoulder.  and one on your other wrist.  while the rest of you is a nice shade of tan.  how does this happen??  was it ever addressed in xfiles?  i feel like maybe it has something to do with aliens...

3.  we are into our third day here and it feels like the seventh.  am i just all complaints and boo-hoos?  last night at 1a, over the hum of the a/c and the tv, the unit below us was blasting mexican rap.  mexican.rap.  i could handle it for one song.  was a bit perturbed by two.  and called the front desk as they rounded out the third.  mexican rap.  seriously.  it took a few more songs before i could tell that security had shown up and quieted them.

4.  see, here's what.  i do so appreciate being able to take a vacation.  i so appreciate b's dad allowing me to come along on work trips to exotic places.  and i could be just about anywhere, in any condition, and as long as i'm at the side of my love, i'm ok.

but this resort is a dump.  even the pool is motel-like.  and everything is expensive.  and the service suuuuuuuucks.  and the room is expensive.  and there are little bugs all over the sink in the bathroom.  so.  yeah.  it's hard because we can't pack up and leave and find somewhere else.  but that is because this is a work trip for b.  and i am along for the sun.

5.  last night, as i searched for sleep, i landed the tv on 'the first wives club' and watched what i think may have been 75% of the movie.  even though i wasn't tired, i forced myself to turn it off and find sleep.  i mean, first wives club.

6.  i am bad at schmoozing.  that's what these trips are all about.  i mean, for us wives.  the boys go to meetings and roundtables and b comes back with all kinds of ideas to take back to work with him.  the wives join up with their respectives for lunches and receptions and everyone makes small talk.  but the only person i want to talk to is the one i married.  i want to slink into a corner and just talk and talk.  because we get each other.  and also, because i have terrible hearing.  and even at a table of ten i lose conversations like socks in a dryer.  (no?  seems all of my good analogies were left on the mainland..)  the other thing is that b and i are at least ten years everyone's junior.  but mostly twenty years their junior.  and in some cases, thirty years.  but while they're talking about their children and grands, passing around pictures, i fight the urge to show everyone our adorable boys.  cat boys, that is.  ugh.  can you imagine?  oh, but just look at our boys...and out comes a picture of our cats lazing in the sun.  cuddled together.  oh, but the looks we would get.  oh, but how the conversations would cease.

7.  i am counting down the days til we fly back home.  home cooked meals.  regularly priced bags of chips and bottled water.  warm boys sleeping on my feet.  neighbors who probably don't even know mexican rap exists.  sorry to be such a bummer you guys.  i know most of you are in the snow and praying for sun and here i am, where the low is 77.  and i'm all blah.

8.  pms.  (but you knew that already, didn't you?)