in the swirl and the hiss of thursday

(like the part where zooey pretends he's buddy and talks to franny from the abandoned bedroom to try to talk her out of her nervous breakdown.  heartbreaking.)

i am more than a bit sad today.  the news of jd salinger's death has quieted a happy part of me.  the part of me that is in love with the language of words.  the language of the glass family...  i have read and re-read his books and stories.  created images in my mind of faces and homes i will never know.  he felt more like a distant grandfather than a stranger.  i don't even know if he would like that.  would like me to say that.  but i'm saying it.  and his words make me want to write words.  i regret very deeply that, in the card i gave to b on our wedding day, as i was hiding away, waiting to be seen, i didn't write that quote...my favorite quote.  *raise high the roof beam, carpenters.  like ares comes the bridegroom, taller far than a tall man...*  how i would go back just to whisper those words to my bridegroom.  standing tall at the end of the aisle.  all love and promises kept, and those to be kept.

aren't words everything sometimes?  and other times it is all old book smell and worn pages against fingertips.  words are everything.

dear mr. salinger,
we never did know one another.  or did we somewhere in the fringes of consciousness?  i feel like we were great friends in a past life.  we laughed, i am sure of it.  and talked of things that mattered and didn't.  i can only hope we smoked cigarettes and drank coffee...  today, when i read the news that you'd died, a part of me i didn't know existed became empty.  i felt it, immediately, and realized i had carried you around with me all of this life, some lives past, and it would never cease.  and that's fine by me, sir.  please count on me passing your words down to my children and theirs.  and please don't balk at such wild promises.  you were far better than you could ever know.  my words have not been the same since your words.

and these words are my vow.

your old friend, emily b.

thursday morning: a mini-post

this morning i awoke to tiggy's plaintive cry.  he was hungry.  it was 5:30.  a.m.  so i fed him.  and felt awake.  we'd gone to sleep at 9:30.  ish.  and it felt so good.  both the falling asleep and the waking.  i crawled back into bed and closed my eyes.  had fleeting dreams.  was half-asleep.  then that chubby gray boy cried again.  and this time, it was a different cry.  and i bolted up to find him.  because, tiggy has two kinds of meows.  the 'feed me/pet me' meow.  and the 'the litter box is full and i'm about to pee on your couch' meow.  and this was the latter.  so i called to him.  in a sleepy yet frantic way.  and i went to cleaning the litter.  which was disgustingly full.  and i can't blame him for crying nor for waking me up.  i wasn't even half-finished when he pushed his way past me to pee.  that poor boy.  so chubby and desperate.  crisis averted, i headed back to bed.  as i scootched, i felt b's hand under my back.  he curled his arm, with me in it, and pulled me to his chest.  bliss.  he was so warm and soft and his sleepy breaths nearly put me right back into dreamland.  until his alarm went off.  blasting red hot chili peppers.  hm.  so he got up, showered.  and i slept on his side of the bed.  which was warm and soft and smelled like his skin.  his hair.  it was quite romantic is what it was.  left me with sweet dreams.  left me wishing i never had to get up to go to work.  that he didn't either.

(before bed.  and just plain happy.)

there are times, whole days, when you just know

(outside of work, friday after a week of storming. so beautiful and bright. life-affirming. if you look closely, you can see both arches...the top one is very faint.)

 

sunday night i lay awake.  my thoughts were like formula 1 racers.  (you heard me.)  ben had been sleeping for awhile.  and i could not.  could not fall asleep.  could not shut up my brain's dialogue.  or monologue, really.  just on and on and on.  see, i'm just paranoid enough to have the weirdest and worst thoughts imaginable.  yet, just sane enough to know i'm making this all up.  that all of those terrible thoughts about, wait, are those footsteps?  or, wait, how quickly could i wake up ben and what would be our best escape route?

and then it's hours later.  and i'm wide-eyed and awake.  still.

so eventually i found sleep.  and dreamt that an old love of b's came into town because she needed him.  he was the only one who could help her.  and i knew he'd never turn her down.  and i knew he'd relish in spending time with her.  and soon she was a part of our lives.  and i was miserable.  and she was conniving.  and he was oblivious.  but she's just a friend.  but she just needs my help.  all the while, she's crying alligator tears and slowly stealing my favorite&best.

i woke up at, i think, 3, gave a loud sigh, and went back to sleep to somehow recover from my emotional trauma.  the next morning i laughed at the thought of me groaning out of sheer frustration at said dream.  like, oh, give me a break!  but for serious.  why torture myself with my own thoughts?


and then monday was like a recovery of sorts.  i was exhausted.  (fighting for your man is exhausting.)  and everything was a challenge.  but i knew it would be that way.  i knew it sunday night when every possible scenario of what-if/terrible/etc. flew threw my mind.  and there is not much else to do but run with it.


or walk quickly.  i am a terrible runner.

in the absence of real problems

because there are moments when i feel myself changing.  feel myself growing older.  or growing up.  because, perhaps, i am many people in one person.  (but aren't we all?)  lately i have been thinking about friendships.  about how once-close friends can drift away.  can grow and change in such different ways from oneself.  it isn't as if it's on purpose.  or even conscious.  it just happens.  and i accept the process of life.  the progress and regress.  but spending time with friends and feeling more like...an outsider.  it's hard.  wanting to talk about books.  or about writing.  or about art.  when they're talking about...other things.  perhaps that is why this blog seems to be a growing part of my life.  a typed out dialogue between me and you.  my newer friends.  friends i've never met but to whom i feel so close.  friends who may already know more about who i really am than my local friends.  (which is a bit crazy, no?  although, heartwarming on your part.)


i think so much of friendship is the holding on.  holding on to what may have once connected you but now seems very small.  not sturdy enough to hold.  and the fear of being friend-less is overwhelming.  see, i've never been one to stockpile friends.  i've always had a choice few.  the good ones.  so suddenly the world seems very small.  or very large and i feel very small.

i love that nat said that marriage is like a never-ending sleep over, you get to spend every day with your best friend.  because i think my world would be unbearably lonely without that man of mine.  my truly best friend.  should there be bester?  i don't really know how there could be..  he really gets me.  it's comforting.  after said outsider-inducing experience, it was like at least we have each other.  it went unsaid.


i feel i am at an impasse.  on the verge of changing my own life.  taking charge of my own life...  and i certainly know who i'll be hanging onto.  (you!  duh)  but i have a feeling i will be letting go of some.  not in any dramatic fashion or anything.  just in the way of fading away.  slowly but deliberately.

have you been through this before?  these feelings?  talk to me.  xo.

a monday quite unlike a monday

today was simply lovely.  in all ways, i suppose.  a day of gusting winds.  moments of pouring rain.  quiet and cold.  i baked chocolate chip cookies and bought hummus.  dessert and dinner.  i (re)read some beautiful poetry.  i wrote mini love letters in my head all day.  very small ones in glassine envelopes.  sealed in wax.  stamped with a flowing lower-case e.  in my head.

i overcooked the cookies but damn if they weren't still delicious.  i was hurry hurry hurrying around thinking i'd be so late tonight but s is late instead.  which is fine by me.  the boy is at his mom's for dinner and tech support.  seems everyone is in their place.  my furry boys, one asleep, one roaming, looking for trouble.

the rain stopped much earlier.  the sun came out.  the sky blued.  and what was our gray day piled up along the eastern horizon.  all that's left, puddles, misplaced leaves, a chilly breeze.  but it's january.  and all of these things seem so fitting.  who am i to ask anything be different tonight?  and i don't.

earlier i did dishes to ray lamontagne and felt a peacefulness beyond compare.  the washer was going.  the dishwasher humming.  then the whirring of the stand mixer...she needs a name...i will call her black beauty.  as she is both things equally.  soon, s and i will talk poetry.  life.  we will talk paris and travelling.  i feel my heart aching for the arts.  aching to read beautiful things, and see them.


have a sweet night, my pretties.  xoxo

thursday, day of to-do's

1.  quarterlies, quarterlies, quarterlies

2.  exchange the mister's undershirts at target for correct size.  for the second time.
3.  hit up trader joe's
4.  stay positive
5.  limit facebooking to after work  (how is this even possible?!)
6.  laundry
7.  dishes
8.  settle on a recipe for chicken chili
9.  c-craw workout

then of course there is relax, enjoy time with the husb, pet the boys.  i haven't included return said husb's xmas-gift-flip-flops that don't fit.  (poor feet of said husb)


for the first time this week i actually have energy.  and drive.  the desire to accomplish.


*and she's off!*

here's what about me

i've been stressed for the past week.  stressed to the max, i might say.  and today, a sigh of relief.  it was most likely needless that i was as stressed as i was.  but i am a worrier when it comes to worries.  and there is still plenty to have on my mind.  so now i've made a little stressless space.  in which to breathe.

work is at its apex this month.  this is the hardest month out of the entire year for me.  most other months, i do monthly bookkeeping.  general cleaning & filing.  some months i do those things as well as quarterly bookkeeping.  but this month.  this month i do all of the above, end-of-year bookkeeping, 1099 documentation, server implementation, new software implementation, and appt scheduling for this upcoming tax season.  some days i am vain enough to think i do everything.  which i don't.  but you can bet your bottom dollar that i'm doing about, oh, 99% more than the world's worst employee.  aka my sister.  who has filled her days looking on craigslist for godknowswhat and chatting with her (loser) friends.  (who has a job at which they're chatting alllllll day?)  my sister and her three friends.  for serious.  it's not that i really care.  because it doesn't affect my job.  it actually makes me look like a saint.  but it's hard when your coworker sucks.  and even harder when that same coworker is your sister.  for whom you have little to no respect.  and who you might trade for someone else.  isn't that terribly sad?

in other news, i have found the premium sharp cheddar cheese slice.  it comes from target.  and is market pantry brand.  soooo good.  you know, if you like that sort of thing.  i have compared it to both tillamook and trader joe's sliced cheddar cheeses and there is no comparison.  i never thought i'd be buying cheese at target.  i thought target was exclusively for clothing and paper goods.  and picture frames.  and toiletries.  but now also cheese.

in other other news, i am in love with sunsets.  i am so glad the days are getting longer because when i am leaving work i can take shots like this.  instead of walking out to my car in the dark. 

and every day it's different.  some days better than others.  but it's something to count on, isn't it?  some days there are only two certainties.  that the sun will rise and the sun will set.  everything in between is luck.  and chaos.  incredible tragedy.  insurmountable happiness.  sandwiched between all of this beauty.  all of this.

notes to self: a mini post

-working out to a cindy crawford workout video will make you laugh in the moment.  but you will not be laughing as you hurt the next day.  (and shake your head...how did c-craw kick my butt??)
-if at all possible, plan all stressful things to happen at once.  that way, you end up being kind of numb about everything.  (heatherlynn, agree or disagree?)
-if you wait for your husband to want to go to costco to get frozen yogurt with you...it may never happen.
-you are allowed to think that kings of leon are a glorified tribute to bruce springstein. (i'm pretty sure that if my sex were on fire...that would not be a good thing.  certainly not something i'd want to sing about...ouch...)

p.s.  you know that movie scene that occurs in plenty of movies, where a character is standing in a busy area and everyone/thing else is flying by them but their face is blank and they just stand there?  that is me this week.  just kind of sleep-walking, hoping i 'wake up' in time for the weekend  :)

hang on, friends..

to a baby brother acquired in adulthood

(doesn't that sound delightfully ominous?  oh sheer joy!)

dear zachy-pants,

today is your birthday.  today is the day you were born.  (i don't know what time.  where you born before i'm writing this or were you just about on your way?)  today the boy that would become my husband was no longer the baby.  today dave's dreams of having a little sister began to crumble.  but where would the world be without your truest and most honest laughter?  what joy could we possibly find without knowing that you can see white water but you can't feel white water?  although i told you last year that you are still young, i don't know...25 is a big one!  :)  ok, ok, 25 is fun.  i think it will suit you perfectly.  i'm hoping the gods of 25 allot both you and your lovely wife lots of vacation time so we can all party together.  and possibly get drunk on all that is uncle julio's if we come out in september (for imts).

my wish for you is for the most amazing year.  a year full of fun and adventure with your new wifey.  a year full of happiness and friendship and fulfillment and all of the gifts you so deserve, both material and immaterial.

love, your sis
p.s. colors just for you  :)

happiness is...

an orange boy...

the sweetest orange boy you have ever seen...

filling the bathroom sink to overflowing  :)

(happiness is not, however, having every toiletry you own out on the bathroom counter.  that is straight unhappiness.  although, let's be real.  that isn't even a healthy fraction of our toiletries.)

(i have never seen sammy in a sink or a sink-like object in my life.  although...he was in the tub once--insert link to my post on march 5th that won't link--*sigh*...  he climbed in here just after i'd gotten in the shower and waited (read: slept) long enough for me to shower, get out, go and get my camera, and snag some great shots of him.  then he just got up and out.  just like that.  how i love that silly boy...)

and then there was '10

(driving into the future.  or just driving home.  you decide.)

1.  i resolve to eat as much cheese as i'd like.
2.  i resolve to listen to more peter gabriel.
3.  i resolve to not talk badly about myself while in front of any mirror.
4.  i resolve to take more pictures.
5.  i resolve to relish small moments.  to stop and pet my boys even if it means i'll be 5 minutes late to work.  work can wait.  (well, 5 minutes, anyway)
6.  i resolve to make more casseroles.  oh hell, i resolve to become a casserole queen!

i'm sure there are more.  perhaps this is version one.  or perhaps this is it.  casseroles can be pretty intense  :)

dialogues

(the sky above my office.  this might be my favorite picture ever taken with a phone...)

it is on a day like today when i am sure that southern california and the god of weather have odd conversations.  it is january.  a month of winter.  and yet.  the thermo reads 76.  76!!  are we in paradise??  seriously.  i wish i could make this kind of stuff up but i just can't.  mostly because it is real.  let me break down the report for you.

the sky:  blue

the clouds:  popcorny and wispy

the air:  cool

the sun:  warm

the shoes of choice:  flip-flops

is it january or june?  because i really can't tell...

if it is not 76 where you are, and you are not allergic to cats, come over  :)  we can sit on the porch and sip champagnes and lemonades and talk poetry and daydreams.

allow me to disclaim

as there is something about pouring one's heart out in the depths of the night.

as there is something about needing to empty one's brain to make way for dreams.

i started this blog as a way of making room in my own head.  making room for more words, visions, daydreams.  making room for the starts and middles and ends of poems.  (are there ever really ends of poems?  i don't know that there are...)  i created this little space to share and vent.  to pout and whine and elate and sing.  i know my life is a far cry from other lives that include suffering beyond my knowledge.  that involve challenges that make mine seem like the teeniest of raindrops amidst the sea.  i don't write here to solicit sympathy or cheerleading or anything of those sorts.  i just write to write.  because i am in love with words.  and sometimes transforming one's stuff into words makes that stuff seem much farther away.  a little bit easier.  ok really.  a lot bit easier.

i am the child of a disabled mother.  severely disabled.  a mother who, throughout my childhood, no matter my dramatic circumstance, always reminded me that if that's the worse thing that happens to you, you will be very lucky.  i'm not really a proponent of this.  i mean, to each person, their struggles can be immense.  even if they are small potates (yes, potates, not potatoes...it's funner that way) in comparison to others'.  my struggles were always much less relevant to my mom.  and there are some issues there.  but i digress.  yikes.  what i mean to say is, i love you all.  and don't want to misrepresent myself since you may most possibly know me only by my words, whether they be whiny or divine.  and not my charming and sunny laughter  :)

last night was just a hard night.  i have had better and i have had worse.  and you, i know, have had better and worse.  and i know you will bear with me all the same.  it is the sweetest kind of friendship in the world.

finding my way and finding my way

today was the kind of day that makes your heart ache for all sorts of reasons.  for good reasons and not-really-that-good reasons.  today we slept in.  woke up with smiles on our faces.  we snuggled as bugs do.  on the couch for hours.  for awhile i worried about laundry that needed doing.  the stuff that makes up a day.  but benny just held me.  told me to stay.  told me everything would wait.  and we watched football.  and talked.

and everything waited.  just as he said it would.

this past week marked two years since i went off of birth control.  i had gotten a terrible stomach flu (two years ago, that is) and couldn't eat anything and so couldn't take my pills.  and remember having a semi-romantic conversation about, "well, maybe this is the right time."  it was exciting.  we were leaving it up to god.  for lack of a better term...  we would just roll with the punches.  and so far, no punches.  which at times has been preferred.  at times, frustrating.  i got my period this morning and realized that i will be 30 before i have any kids.  which may not be a big deal since 30 happened a LOT quicker than i ever thought.  (ever.)  and, considering i was set on having kids by the time i was 25 when i was in h.s., haven't been really ready for what being a parent would mean.  and be.  i mean, when you're 16, 30 is old.  ancient, really.  and then, all of a sudden, it's what you will be in 9 months.  and you still feel pretty young.  vibrant, really.  and so what?  but it was one of those goals.  like, what will happen with my life if this goal is not accomplished?  like, that would be impossible.  and yet, here we are.  looking into the odd face of possible.  and so, i feel a bit weird.  depressed a tiny bit.  frustrated.  yet optimistic.

maybe one has to give up completely.  give up all of everything before something happens.

and i don't know if i can do that.  give up completely.  i just keep going.  we just keep going.  i could tell b was heartbroken today.  frustrated just like i am.  there is something miraculous in going through this with someone who is in sync with me.  who lets me cry and ask questions without answers.  who gently suggests possibilities.  who reassures me that this will happen.  this will happen.

it was the first heartache of 2010.  fresh and full of making me feel naive.  but i also felt full of love.  filled to bursting pure and radiant love for that sweet man o' mine.  whose hands held mine so gently today.  whose jokes and funny faces and randomness erased all of my tears.  (how did i get so lucky?  really.  i can't even imagine.)  who shares my dislike for all things patriot and jet.  who shares my unending love for all things colt (and also my frustration at their recent losses...).

the next heartache of 2010 is already happening.  it is the realization that tomorrow is monday.  that our multitude of long weekends is over.  that our mornings of fitting together on the couch like puzzle pieces, one unto the other, will have to wait until next saturday.  the thought of it is enough for tears tonight.  i felt like a little kid when i told b, "but i don't wanna go to work tomorrow.  i just wanna be with youuuuuuuuu."  oh the world of growing up.  perpetually.  or something.

so, even in the midst of...i don't know, whatever this is...i have countless blessings.  and a life full of unanswered questions.  and proof after proof that want doesn't count for very much.  if wishes were horses, right?  but what would i go back and undo...redo...  nothing.  i would trade nothing.  so i keep moving forward.  keep on keepin on, really.

love.

and today, especially today, thanks for listening.  kisses and kisses.

and so it was

2009 ended with a backache.  ended without a bang, really.  ended quietly as we sipped champagne and leaned on one another.  cuddled on the couch.  this was the first year i almost fell asleep before midnight.  (how is this possible?!)  but i stayed awake.  if for nothing else than the love of that man i married who begged, please stay awake.

2010 has begun with peace and love in our home.  with most of our rooms clean.  with the dishes done.  it begun with sweet dreams that ushered us into morning.  and parades and football.  and new golf clubs for b.  (not too shabby, ay?)  since b got new clubs i treated myself to a little t.ruffle.  have you heard of the t.ruffle girls?  they are my fav.  and i can't think of a better way to begin this year than to buy my favorite of their prints.  fit for framing and placing in my greenhouse window above the kitchen sink.  click on all links to go to all kinds of fun places.  i make a point to visit the sweeterie everyday.  i highly recommend.  from the deepest part of my heart.

so far 2010 makes me feel a bit restless.  i haven't promised myself a healthier diet.  i haven't resolved to change any huge parts of my life.  i'm hoping this is a year of getting rid of excess.  of having only those things i truly need.  i don't need 20 tank tops...do i?  i want to clean and clear out.  reorganize.  so that everywhere i look things are peaceful.  unjumbled.

perhaps my favorite thing about 2010 is my new motto.  it is specific to me so i don't propose you take it on but you're more than welcome to.  i'll take all the cheerleading i can get  :)

em & ben in two thousand ten 

fun, huh??  since there isn't a year that rhymes with either em or emily, this is the best it's gonna get.  well, for us, anyway  :)

happy new year to all of my beautiful friends, those i've known for lifetimes and those i've made this past year.  i look forward to reading your beautiful words and sharing some of my own.

love love love