Thursday, March 18, 2010

*and with stars falling on a canvas that was painted like the ocean, we wept*

(the title has nothing to do with the post.  or so i think.  just a line i thought up last night before sleep.  i'm thinking a title for some unwritten poem.)

(have you ever seen clouds like these?  they were surreal.  like the ghosts of eagles.)

i've been having a hard time this week.  which is an understatement but the truth all the same.  basically, and in short, my world is turning upside down and i'm just concentrating on hanging on.  my mom, who has struggled with her disability and recent declining health, is talking very seriously about taking charge of the end of her life.  which is the nicest way i can think to put it.  she's talked about this before.  and often.  so it's not a strange conversation at this point.  but i definitely get the sense that she's trying to get as much closure as possible and i am wondering if she'll still be here come december.  right now i'm all logistics and ration.  which are good things to focus on.  i haven't been able to find tears all week but then i think of all the times i'm washing dishes and get all tight in my jaw.  useless.

tomorrow is our first round of a.r.t.  i don't know if you want any more detail than that.  i think somewhere in my mind i'm excited but mostly i feel hopeless.  and really for no reason.  but i've always been a 'prepare for the best but expect the worst' kind of person.  so if you happen to have any extra good thoughts and want to send them my way, i'll take 'em  :)  we haven't even really told anyone.  i told my mom, but only out of necessity.  i'm usually her ride on fridays so when i'm unavailable, she knows about it.  but i really didn't want to tell her.  and i haven't wanted to tell anyone.  (except you guys.)  because i feel like there isn't anything to tell.  and i have this vision of everyone standing around tapping their toes waiting for an answer and it's overwhelming.  i've gone back and forth weighing the advantages of having a support system but, as is my m.o., i've opted for hobbit-like behavior.

last night b got a new car.  which means i get his car.  which means i am now the proud driver of a vehicle with a/c.  for the first time in over a year.  tuesday it was 90degrees.  wrap your heads around that one for a second.  90 in march.  it was awful.  i can stand sweating in august.  even october.  but not march.  not when it's supposed to be out like a lamb.  90 is not lamb-like.  but i digress.  new (to me) car.  i am very excited.  it's certainly a step up from my little prizm.  but it also means i need to say goodbye to my car.  which has been with me for almost ten years.  formative years, i may add.  (aren't they all formative?  hm.)  but then i think about nav and xm and heated seats and just having a bit more room.  it's really nice.

the boys have been sick for a couple of days.  puking all over the house and etc.  sigh.

i feel like i'm moving through this week like a zombie.  all of these things pulling me and pushing me and i just keep moving.  i'm not happy.  i'm not sad.  i'm kind of nothing.  which is just weird.  i'm hoping it's just like emotional overload.  like my body is in survival mode and won't let me get too upset about anything.  because it's a rollercoaster, really.  this week.  this year.  and i guess i'd rather be a zombie than laughing one minute crying the next over and over again.  it would be exhausting.  bear with me..  i'm counting on feeling more like myself a-sap  :)

xo

2 Comments:

Blogger April said...

I'm so sorry about your mom. That has to be so incredibly hard to deal with ... what disability does she have, if you don't mind me asking?

Also, I had no idea you were starting ART. Are you doing IVF or something different? If you want to talk about it at all, shoot me an email at april_faith@hotmail.com ... I know it can be hard to lay it all out here haha.

Congrats on the new car! I got a new car 1 year ago, and it was so hard to part with my trusty chevy cavalier I owned since high school. And to think, I traded it in. Sometimes I still feel guilty for the poor cavalier. Hah, yeah I'm crazy. :)

March 18, 2010 9:15 PM  
Blogger emily b. said...

april, she has had jra (juvenile rheumatoid arthritis) since she was three. her knees are fused as is one of her elbows. she's always been very tiny and before she was pregnant w/ me, the drs said it would be impossible. about six years ago she almost died of respiratory arrest (due to sleep apnea) so she now has a tracheostomy (sp?). she's always in pain and has always battled depression. i think her recent decision may be more based in her depression than anything. but, in short, she has struggled with physical limitations and pain her whole life and it's only going to get worse.

and of course i don't mind you asking :)

xo, em

March 19, 2010 12:33 PM  

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