Tuesday, February 23, 2010

i've been quiet

for reasons i will lay before you.  i'm thinking you'll deem them important reasons to have been so...shushed.

1. i've got a bad attitude (isn't there a song that goes like that?  or is that new attitude?  i think new.  yeah, mine was just bad.)  you know.  like, if you can't say something nice don't say anything at all.  so i haven't been saying much.

yesterday at work my sister got pissed because i told her to multi-task.  does a normal person get mad at such a thing?  my sister is what i've termed, 'a piece of work.'  ok, so i didn't term it.  but she really is.  a piece of work.  and gosh does she make me mad.  so today, all day, i wanted to say things like grow up.  and, for real?  and, it is technically impossible for the folders to file themselves.

but i did some serious lip-biting.  because i knew whatever i had to say would come from a place of feelings-that-have-been-building-our-whole-lives.  i knew whatever i said wouldn't come from the place i wanted it to.

2. we are going on a trip this friday.  we'll be gone nine days.  i am stresssssed.  when i am stressed (with all the extra s's of course) i run out of words.  or.  my words run out of my fingers all wrong.

i hate leaving my boys.  my furry boys, that is.  i won't have to leave my boy boy because we travel together.  like geese.  or lions.  with a loyalty only lions know...  but i miss the heck outta my furry boys whenever we're away.  i miss the one who waits for me in the bathroom doorway.  i miss the one who curls up around my hand until it sweats.  i always wish for our time away to move swiftly for them.  and i wish they understood me when i tell them we'll always come home.  oh, sigh.  those boys.  each of them a beat of my heart repeated over.  over.

3. i continue on my path, searching for motherhood.  this month has been my favorite so far, not because of a different outcome, because there isn't one, but because i felt light.  lighter than i'd felt all of last year.  (april, how are you feeling this month? i've been thinking of you!)  i don't think it changes anything.  this lightness.  except it changed me.  shedding worry like that.

4. i've spent every non-working hour attached to my boy.  for tv time.  for dinner time.  for crossword puzzle time.  and sleep time.  see, the work hours have been creeeeping by.  quite like molasses.  and the non-work hours flybysofastyoucanbarelyseethem.

unfair, right?

so, i am back.  well, as back as i can be after not really being away.  you know what i mean.  i really just missed you all.  i've been feeding off of your words to give me strength when my own words seemed thin.  weakish.

in other news, we had our trees trimmed last week.  this little guy hung from a low branch since we bought the home.  kinda came with it.  and i didn't take him down before the tree guys came.  and now...he's gone.  but the branch he was on remains.  how?  and i'm really honestly sad.  i'm looking to replace him...carry on his legacy...



Blogger April said...

Hello dear friend, so nice of you to include me in your post.. :)

I'm also feeling better this month, after continuing with the mindset we had talked about in your previous posts. Everything does feel lighter. I am hoping it will keep up for both of us.

I'm sorry you're feeling irritated and stressed. I get that way with my mother, and also with traveling (going anywhere fun?!).

I too have been lacking words lately. We continue to look seriously into a house, and work has been insanely busy, so my free time is spent sleeping and/or worrying about my budget. Any ideas for some inspiration?

February 24, 2010 8:22 AM  
Blogger emily b. said...

we are indeed going somewhere fun. ben has a conference in st thomas and i get to read/sleep/daydream by the pool while he roundtables and stuff. so it's a pretty sweeet deal for me!

and i'm glad you're feeling better also. i don't quite know what has changed within me except for we now have some answers where before there were just questions so, not like they're the answers we'd wanted but answers none the less. and somehow that's better than all of the what-ifs in the world.

as for inspiration...i usually turn to other people's words. last night i read parts of rilke's book of hours. that book always inspires me. he calls them love poems to god but they are much more like love poems to nature and the universe, as i am not the most religious yet it still moves me. i'm planning on taking great gatsby on our trip (and feeling like the coolest kind of nerd) or another fitzgerald book. that's always my favorite part of traveling. planning my reading material :) i hope you get some free time soon to breathe and be inspired :)

xo, em

February 24, 2010 8:51 AM  
Blogger HeatherLynn said...

if it makes you feel better, me and my sister got in QUITE the MASSIVE fight yesterday....She told me if I got a tattoo....I couldn't be her wedding because she wanted backless dresses and I'd be too trashy to wear one!

So then I said to her "Are you saying I'm trash, JUST because I want a tattoo?" and then I got really pissy and said "And why are you un-having me in a wedding you aren't even having, because you don't even have a boyfriend, let alone a fiance and a wedding date!!!"

Um, yeah, words were thrown....and BOY was I upset with her.

When you fight with your sister, how long before you make up? days? weeks? Do you break the silence, or does she?

I want to find a program where I can design a fake tattoo....and put it on a picture of my back that says "Brooke's Trashy Sister"....across my shoulder blades...and then send it to her and tell her my new tattoo was inspired...and inked JUST FOR HER! But that might be too dramatic....I AM 32 now....and am trying to maintain big sister, in control of my temper status.

So I did what any sister would do, I called my OTHER sister and complained about fight with HER! only sisters get sister fights.

Mom's get worried and defensive when their cubs fight....dad's want to FIX something they can't....and my dog....he only yawns like he doesn't want to hear it...so...yeah, sisters! can't live with em....can't live without em either sometimes.

Hope you have a great trip Miss EmilyB!

ENjoy your pool/sun therapy!


February 24, 2010 9:25 AM  
Blogger April said...

Your trip sounds fun, I'm so jealous! Have a fabulous time, and read some great books. That too is one of my favorite things involved with planning a trip - what reading materials to bring. My last trip I brought 'The Handmaids Tale' by Margaret Atwood. Very lovely, have you read it? Also, I will definitely have to check out rilkes book of hours. That sounds like my sort of poetry. I also am not religious, but more spiritual in a sense with nature and mankind. Thank you for the recommendation.

If you need to ever talk about the answers you found to your questions, I am here. It's nice not living with the perpetual 'what if' but it can be hard when the answer it not what you were looking for. Hugs <3

February 24, 2010 10:37 PM  
Blogger April said...

Hello there! Thanks for the comment on my post. I'm so sorry for your latest news, but happy that you have answers. Being hopeful is about all we can do, yet it is hard not to get ahead of ourselves admist the hope huh? Every month for me is so different, but always a roller coaster. But know this - you have not failed. I remind myself of this daily... hang in there, and keep me updated with your plans. I'm here anytime... :)

Also, thanks for making me feel not so alone with the thoughts on buying a house. We found out and were elated for about one minute, and then sick the next. We have definitely had a lot of "what are we getting ourselves in to" moments but we are sticking with it. But we are so incredibly excited at the same time. Wah, as if trying to have a baby wasn't stressful enough!

Ps: It seems there's always curling on at my house as well, very easy to zone out to. I just hate the screaming - "harddd!" haha.

February 25, 2010 10:11 PM  
Blogger emily b. said...

this has been a long time coming, sorry for the wait girls!

hl, oh goodness, sister-fights. usually they go on until one or the other of us acts like nothing ever happened. and we start small-talking. it's usually at least a day or two before that even happens. and it's usually my sister who acts like, "oh, did we fight? i don't remember.." and by then i just don't care enough to keep it going. i don't even care enough to fight with her in the first place but she's pretty feisty, haha. and oh man does my mom get defensive! she's always on the verge of tears thinking about my relationship with my sister. oy.

april, (how did i not see this comment until now? i didn't even get an email..booo) curling is pretty funny. the other day the commentator was talking about listening to the swedish (?) team and said, "i have no idea what they're saying but just love hearing them talk and watching their body language!" what?? who hires these people?? haha. as for the house thing, you are sooo not alone. we saw the house on a saturday, put in our offer on sunday, and had it accepted on monday. we kept scouring every detail, what did we miss what did we miss. and we did miss some stuff but it was small stuff. nothing that would have changed our minds. but stuff that made us think, what were they thinking?? oddly hung shower doors and etc. and now it's been two years since we signed the papers. mid-march marks the first time we walked in the door and called it 'ours.' i am hoping you guys have nothing but joy and peace and wonderfulness (and babies!!) in your new home :)

xoxo to my favorite ladies,

March 1, 2010 7:40 AM  

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