*it's only a time and a face that you lose*

-stars

my first year of grad school was also my first year as a fiancee (my only year as a fiancee, in truth) was also my first year sharing a home with a boy.  i had a dreamy schedule that allowed a couple full work days as well as sleeping in, study time, and a pleasant class schedule.  oh how i long for that schedule these days...only without the need for study time or any sort of class schedule.  hm.  there were a couple mornings a week i would wake at my leisure, slowly, and i could scrape together whatever was due.  that's always been my style.  maybe that's why i still have school nightmares about showing up and something is due.  and i'd completely forgotten.  or i'd never known.  and it's stressful.  and all because i have never been one to prepare.  oh how i hate(d) essay writing...or is that what i'm doing now?

my first year of grad school i was taking a full load of classes, working, and planning our wedding.  there were times when it was dreamy.  times when i thought i'd lost my mind.  one time i took off my engagement ring and almost threw it at that man of mine because i was sick about arguing over our families.  sigh.  we have grown and changed a lot since then.  it's hard to be two people in a small space.  sometimes it really is.  i remember the first time we really got into an argument in our new little beach home and i felt stuck.  where could i go?  there was no more being able to drive across cities to be in our own rooms.  and yet, five years later, the handful of hours we get between work hours never seems enough.  our arguments are fewer.  less dramatic than to reduce us to ring-throwing.  an unhung towel doesn't seem as tragic as it did then.  a misplaced whatever warrants nothing.  at first the learning was hard.  now, i don't even notice it...

(today i so badly want to be home.  wearing pajamas and thick socks.  the heat humming on and off.  i know i appreciated my old schedule when it was new to me.  i know i did.  but it still seems like i'd taken it for granted.  to stroll into work at 12 and lunch and work and stroll home.  to have time for bike-rides mid-morning.  to lounge on the couch, sitting in the corner with a crossword puzzle and my cat boys nearby.  to gaze out the window through the bare tree branches at the gray sky.  rain is coming this weekend...)

in between our engagement and wedding, i think i endured the most challenging year of my life (to date).  a year holding so many transitions.  so many different lessons learned.  trying to somehow retain literary theory and make a home with someone just as stubborn as i was.  (am.)  trying to write essays without cringing while trying to find a venue both near the ocean and handicap accessible and with an outdoor area for our ceremony as well as a large reception area.  i gave up what i thought were dreams for a wedding covered in daisies and me in a simple dress with lace cap-sleeves.  i gave in to a sweetheart neckline and roses.  i was changing.

my first year of grad school...seems like a very long time ago...seems like a dream.  all of it.