there are times, whole days, when you just know

(outside of work, friday after a week of storming. so beautiful and bright. life-affirming. if you look closely, you can see both arches...the top one is very faint.)

 

sunday night i lay awake.  my thoughts were like formula 1 racers.  (you heard me.)  ben had been sleeping for awhile.  and i could not.  could not fall asleep.  could not shut up my brain's dialogue.  or monologue, really.  just on and on and on.  see, i'm just paranoid enough to have the weirdest and worst thoughts imaginable.  yet, just sane enough to know i'm making this all up.  that all of those terrible thoughts about, wait, are those footsteps?  or, wait, how quickly could i wake up ben and what would be our best escape route?

and then it's hours later.  and i'm wide-eyed and awake.  still.

so eventually i found sleep.  and dreamt that an old love of b's came into town because she needed him.  he was the only one who could help her.  and i knew he'd never turn her down.  and i knew he'd relish in spending time with her.  and soon she was a part of our lives.  and i was miserable.  and she was conniving.  and he was oblivious.  but she's just a friend.  but she just needs my help.  all the while, she's crying alligator tears and slowly stealing my favorite&best.

i woke up at, i think, 3, gave a loud sigh, and went back to sleep to somehow recover from my emotional trauma.  the next morning i laughed at the thought of me groaning out of sheer frustration at said dream.  like, oh, give me a break!  but for serious.  why torture myself with my own thoughts?


and then monday was like a recovery of sorts.  i was exhausted.  (fighting for your man is exhausting.)  and everything was a challenge.  but i knew it would be that way.  i knew it sunday night when every possible scenario of what-if/terrible/etc. flew threw my mind.  and there is not much else to do but run with it.


or walk quickly.  i am a terrible runner.