in the absence of real problems
because there are moments when i feel myself changing. feel myself growing older. or growing up. because, perhaps, i am many people in one person. (but aren't we all?) lately i have been thinking about friendships. about how once-close friends can drift away. can grow and change in such different ways from oneself. it isn't as if it's on purpose. or even conscious. it just happens. and i accept the process of life. the progress and regress. but spending time with friends and feeling more like...an outsider. it's hard. wanting to talk about books. or about writing. or about art. when they're talking about...other things. perhaps that is why this blog seems to be a growing part of my life. a typed out dialogue between me and you. my newer friends. friends i've never met but to whom i feel so close. friends who may already know more about who i really am than my local friends. (which is a bit crazy, no? although, heartwarming on your part.)
i think so much of friendship is the holding on. holding on to what may have once connected you but now seems very small. not sturdy enough to hold. and the fear of being friend-less is overwhelming. see, i've never been one to stockpile friends. i've always had a choice few. the good ones. so suddenly the world seems very small. or very large and i feel very small.
i love that nat said that marriage is like a never-ending sleep over, you get to spend every day with your best friend. because i think my world would be unbearably lonely without that man of mine. my truly best friend. should there be bester? i don't really know how there could be.. he really gets me. it's comforting. after said outsider-inducing experience, it was like at least we have each other. it went unsaid.
i feel i am at an impasse. on the verge of changing my own life. taking charge of my own life... and i certainly know who i'll be hanging onto. (you! duh) but i have a feeling i will be letting go of some. not in any dramatic fashion or anything. just in the way of fading away. slowly but deliberately.
have you been through this before? these feelings? talk to me. xo.
i think so much of friendship is the holding on. holding on to what may have once connected you but now seems very small. not sturdy enough to hold. and the fear of being friend-less is overwhelming. see, i've never been one to stockpile friends. i've always had a choice few. the good ones. so suddenly the world seems very small. or very large and i feel very small.
i love that nat said that marriage is like a never-ending sleep over, you get to spend every day with your best friend. because i think my world would be unbearably lonely without that man of mine. my truly best friend. should there be bester? i don't really know how there could be.. he really gets me. it's comforting. after said outsider-inducing experience, it was like at least we have each other. it went unsaid.
i feel i am at an impasse. on the verge of changing my own life. taking charge of my own life... and i certainly know who i'll be hanging onto. (you! duh) but i have a feeling i will be letting go of some. not in any dramatic fashion or anything. just in the way of fading away. slowly but deliberately.
have you been through this before? these feelings? talk to me. xo.
Labels: my life
posted by emily b. at
10:36 AM
7 Comments:
Oh yes. I too have just a select few...the good ones that I keep around. The others seem to disappear in one way or another which used to feel like a curse but now I recognize as a blessing. Life is much more enjoyable when quality is the driving force. Also something I've noticed in myself is that the not so good ones seem to disappear as I change and grow and learn about myself. Then when I've arrived to a new place in myself, the new, better ones arrive...and it's wonderful.
salina,
thanks for your encouraging words :) perhaps i need to shift my focus from curse to blessing. hadn't thought of it that way before but...yes...it makes perfect sense :)
xo, em
yeah, i have a group of friends from high school/college that have been in my life forever. I was the first to get married...shortly one after another, they too followed suit....then I got divorced....NOBODY followed suit there...and then they all went on to have kids, and become professionals in their fields....and well, our lives are so different now. I dont' have kids, i have a dog. I can't offer any award winning stories about how I got my toddler to quit biting other kids as daycare..or what works magic on diaper rash....my old friends don't understand the complexities of "dating"....so they have a really hard time talking to me about men who aren't required by the law of marriage to come home to me each night.
We are worlds away from where we started....my friends whom I helped move into their new homes as newlyweds...the homes I helped them paint...they are now outgrowing....and while I've now lived in my NEW (very first own a home all by myself) home for ten months....many of them haven't even came to see me here. and we mostly all live ten minutes away from one another.
I hate that...that my friends outgrew me....or that because I chose a different path, they can't relate to me anymore....
but life is always movin, changin....opening and closing of doors is inevitable i hear *smiles*....don't cry over relationships lost...there's a reason certain people don't make it to your future. it sucks, but it's true.
and while it's not a huge comfort by any means...um, well, you have me EmilyB. :)
your pal,
~hl~
I definitely have gone through feelings like this. I too have a select few friends that I've kept over the years - the others have changed & we say hello every so often, but that's it. Sometimes I blame myself for moving 2500 miles away, but other times I revel in that fact.
My husband and I find ourselves getting excited when we meet potential friends - how horrible and embarrassing is that? We always joke my hubby is like the guy from 'I love you man' with no friends, a man date every once in a while. And I'm sorta like that but female of course haha.
But you know what - who needs loads of friends? I personally think a friend is someone you can tell your world to with complete trust, and that's so hard to come by. Brad is definitely my bestey. I'm trying to stay open minded but I'm not one that becomes best friends with just anybody.
Wow that sounds snotty! Maybe I should just stick with animals.. :)
hl,
first of all, i am so glad i have you :) and, what you've described is most exactly what we are going through. see, we are a mere married couple sandwiched between unmarried (read: not in a relationship) friends and married w/ kids friends. and we just don't quite fit in with either. i mean, we don't care either way...does that make sense? it's not that i can't be friends because of someone's relationship status. but we end up feeling left out because our friends are leaving us out. so i don't know how to repair that. and it is most possible that it's not worth repairing. thank you for your kind words, friend. as always.
xo, em
april,
whenever we go out and see a couple that seems like they'd be our age, b looks at me and says, "do you think they wanna be friends with us?" it's become like a running joke although we are always a little hopeful that friends will just appear out of nowhere. we both work at jobs where there is no possibility of making friends (i work with my family and he is the youngest by 20 years at his job). aaand, he went to college in illinois so the few good guy friends he has live waaaaay far from us. and, they really only have college in common. which gets further and further away the older we get. we are totally like i love you man!! ah!
but i'm with you. i don't think a boatload of friends (i love boatload, don't you?) would do the trick because they'd all just be acquaintances, really.
as for animals, i think i may count my two cats in with my best friends. they comfort me when i cry. they make me laugh. they always listen. i think you're on to somethin here :)
xo, em
April ~ you snob!! *I kid, I kid*
xoxo
~hl~
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