finding my way and finding my way
today was the kind of day that makes your heart ache for all sorts of reasons. for good reasons and not-really-that-good reasons. today we slept in. woke up with smiles on our faces. we snuggled as bugs do. on the couch for hours. for awhile i worried about laundry that needed doing. the stuff that makes up a day. but benny just held me. told me to stay. told me everything would wait. and we watched football. and talked.
and everything waited. just as he said it would.
this past week marked two years since i went off of birth control. i had gotten a terrible stomach flu (two years ago, that is) and couldn't eat anything and so couldn't take my pills. and remember having a semi-romantic conversation about, "well, maybe this is the right time." it was exciting. we were leaving it up to god. for lack of a better term... we would just roll with the punches. and so far, no punches. which at times has been preferred. at times, frustrating. i got my period this morning and realized that i will be 30 before i have any kids. which may not be a big deal since 30 happened a LOT quicker than i ever thought. (ever.) and, considering i was set on having kids by the time i was 25 when i was in h.s., haven't been really ready for what being a parent would mean. and be. i mean, when you're 16, 30 is old. ancient, really. and then, all of a sudden, it's what you will be in 9 months. and you still feel pretty young. vibrant, really. and so what? but it was one of those goals. like, what will happen with my life if this goal is not accomplished? like, that would be impossible. and yet, here we are. looking into the odd face of possible. and so, i feel a bit weird. depressed a tiny bit. frustrated. yet optimistic.
maybe one has to give up completely. give up all of everything before something happens.
and i don't know if i can do that. give up completely. i just keep going. we just keep going. i could tell b was heartbroken today. frustrated just like i am. there is something miraculous in going through this with someone who is in sync with me. who lets me cry and ask questions without answers. who gently suggests possibilities. who reassures me that this will happen. this will happen.
it was the first heartache of 2010. fresh and full of making me feel naive. but i also felt full of love. filled to bursting pure and radiant love for that sweet man o' mine. whose hands held mine so gently today. whose jokes and funny faces and randomness erased all of my tears. (how did i get so lucky? really. i can't even imagine.) who shares my dislike for all things patriot and jet. who shares my unending love for all things colt (and also my frustration at their recent losses...).
the next heartache of 2010 is already happening. it is the realization that tomorrow is monday. that our multitude of long weekends is over. that our mornings of fitting together on the couch like puzzle pieces, one unto the other, will have to wait until next saturday. the thought of it is enough for tears tonight. i felt like a little kid when i told b, "but i don't wanna go to work tomorrow. i just wanna be with youuuuuuuuu." oh the world of growing up. perpetually. or something.
so, even in the midst of...i don't know, whatever this is...i have countless blessings. and a life full of unanswered questions. and proof after proof that want doesn't count for very much. if wishes were horses, right? but what would i go back and undo...redo... nothing. i would trade nothing. so i keep moving forward. keep on keepin on, really.
love.
and today, especially today, thanks for listening. kisses and kisses.
and everything waited. just as he said it would.
this past week marked two years since i went off of birth control. i had gotten a terrible stomach flu (two years ago, that is) and couldn't eat anything and so couldn't take my pills. and remember having a semi-romantic conversation about, "well, maybe this is the right time." it was exciting. we were leaving it up to god. for lack of a better term... we would just roll with the punches. and so far, no punches. which at times has been preferred. at times, frustrating. i got my period this morning and realized that i will be 30 before i have any kids. which may not be a big deal since 30 happened a LOT quicker than i ever thought. (ever.) and, considering i was set on having kids by the time i was 25 when i was in h.s., haven't been really ready for what being a parent would mean. and be. i mean, when you're 16, 30 is old. ancient, really. and then, all of a sudden, it's what you will be in 9 months. and you still feel pretty young. vibrant, really. and so what? but it was one of those goals. like, what will happen with my life if this goal is not accomplished? like, that would be impossible. and yet, here we are. looking into the odd face of possible. and so, i feel a bit weird. depressed a tiny bit. frustrated. yet optimistic.
maybe one has to give up completely. give up all of everything before something happens.
and i don't know if i can do that. give up completely. i just keep going. we just keep going. i could tell b was heartbroken today. frustrated just like i am. there is something miraculous in going through this with someone who is in sync with me. who lets me cry and ask questions without answers. who gently suggests possibilities. who reassures me that this will happen. this will happen.
it was the first heartache of 2010. fresh and full of making me feel naive. but i also felt full of love. filled to bursting pure and radiant love for that sweet man o' mine. whose hands held mine so gently today. whose jokes and funny faces and randomness erased all of my tears. (how did i get so lucky? really. i can't even imagine.) who shares my dislike for all things patriot and jet. who shares my unending love for all things colt (and also my frustration at their recent losses...).
the next heartache of 2010 is already happening. it is the realization that tomorrow is monday. that our multitude of long weekends is over. that our mornings of fitting together on the couch like puzzle pieces, one unto the other, will have to wait until next saturday. the thought of it is enough for tears tonight. i felt like a little kid when i told b, "but i don't wanna go to work tomorrow. i just wanna be with youuuuuuuuu." oh the world of growing up. perpetually. or something.
so, even in the midst of...i don't know, whatever this is...i have countless blessings. and a life full of unanswered questions. and proof after proof that want doesn't count for very much. if wishes were horses, right? but what would i go back and undo...redo... nothing. i would trade nothing. so i keep moving forward. keep on keepin on, really.
love.
and today, especially today, thanks for listening. kisses and kisses.
Labels: e+b, life as meditation, my life
posted by emily b. at
11:43 PM
8 Comments:
could be worse Emily B...I'm 32! lol
you cold be really OLDDDDD...like ME! ;)
Sorry to hear about another month of cramps and unanswered plans for a baby in your 20's...
but I was at a party this weekend...and this girl had a 13 day old baby. One ovary..and so much scar tissue on her mommy parts, it was a miracle that she ever got pregnant naturally. Have faith...things happen in their own time...when it's right...and the world is ready.
Hugs Em
~hl~
oh i know this feeling. i am 27 and childless. i never thought that would happen. staring it down is terrifying but also not. it's only when i let myself think about the 19 months empty and how close 30 is and how different my life is from how i thought it would be that it starts to feel like it could crush me. but at the same time, i'm really okay, all at the same time. such a weird feeling. my heart is with you, sister.
hl--32?? is that even a real age?! it sounds like some crazy dinosaur carbon-dating or something!! :) haha and about the world being ready, i so know this. because it is really so true.
nat--there is something incredibly comforting in knowing someone knows exactly how you feel. not that i would wish it on someone. but, you already know how much i adore you and admire you :) and am glad we have each other as we brave this adventure :)
I feel you. If it's not too much information, I also started my period today after a month of desperate hope. We too have been off birth control over 2 years, each month wishing and hoping. Maybe you're right about giving up?
We'll soon see.
april, there are times when i just laugh to myself about how naive i was when we started this...whatever it is. i mean, i was so scared my whole life of 'what if i accidentally get pregnant and i'm not ready!?' because that's what parents and schools seem to teach. (nothing against that. better safe than sorry, of course.) but i had no idea, really, no idea, that it may not happen at all. or would involve giving myself shots and going through all sorts of completely unromantic procedures. so, sometimes i laugh. other times i cry. hang in there, girl. i'm here for you, as you are for me :)
xo, em
Again, very beautifully put. It's amazing you spend so long avoiding it only to find out years later it can seem next to impossible! I try to keep thinking that it will happen when it's meant to happen - when our little one is meant to conceive and meet us, as if she is taking her time for a purpose. Maybe that sounds weird but it helps me through some days. I'm definitely here for you as well, so hang in there. And here's to hope in January! :)
ok, so, seriously. that is the exact same thing i've been telling myself my whole life. that i will have my baby when he (my baby) is ready. and i don't want to rush him. i want it to be right. (i also like that yours is a she and mine's a he...it will be fun to see how/if/when that ends up!) i love that we have the same reassurances. it definitely makes me feel like less of a crazy :) like i'm not the only one who has 'created' a child before conception. it's a comforting idea though, isn't it? that our perfect children are out there. happy to wait until just the right moment. of course, it doesn't make me any less impatient :)
yes, here's to january, the start of a new month and a new year!!
xo
Haha that's great, definitely makes me feel a little less crazy! That's too funny we both have already selected a gender in our subconscious; it'll be interesting to see how that pans out. I agree, it helps but it doesn't make me any less impatient. C'mon baby, we're ready any time now! Stubborn before conception. :)
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