a la julie andrews

the holidays were good to me this year.  and not because of a gaggle of gifts or anything.  but because of the simplicity of the actual day of christmas.  honestly, the rest of december felt like some kind of crapstorm.  i mean, not necessarily bad...but having allotted our time out in a way that left us with little to no time to ourselves.

but, i digress.

christmas was good.  one of my favorite newish traditions is that b-star and i celebrate on christmas eve.  i think this started as a practice in impatience.  but it has evolved into a really well-thought-out tradition.  christmas day is always split between our families with a brunchy-type meal with my family and a dinnery-type meal with his.  this doesn't leave much time to play with new toys, construct new gadgets or try on new clothes.  and so.  christmas eve.  we play present exchange.  then play with said presents.  then wake up to do it all over again.

here are a few of my favorite things (in order of reception only, and not including snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes):
-hiking socks.  less for hiking.  more for warmth in our wooden floored home. (b)
-football earrings made by the lovely catherine marissa (b)
-flannel pajama pants! (b...he's so smart, that boy)
-target gift cards (ma)
-snow white dvd (the gift only a mom would get for her snow-white-loving-daughter)
-mini parker bowls (from my favorite and best bro and sis-in-law)

there are some i'm forgetting.  of course.  but for now, these were things i jumped up and down about.  and left stupid-happy-thank-you voicemails about  :)

happy night, friends.  i'm off to tend to my aching back.  and my handsomest of husbs.

love.

the sun and the moon

(today, 4pm, eastward)

lately i've been having the same dream.  or rather, the same part of a dream.  or rather, a thematic element in which a recurring moment, well, recurs.  only it fits in with the different dream.  it is the same and different.

ya dig?

so, the moment is this.  i'm going somewhere.  i'm focused.  and i look up.  and the sun and the moon are both in the sky.  like right next to each other.  and they're both huuuuuge.  huge.  and i grab for my camera.  or someone's attention.  and no one is listening.  or my camera won't work.  in this last one, my mister and i were off to the theatre.  we had front row seats to see phantom of the opera.  in some swanky opera house.  but i wanted a picture of the sky so badly.  and b was urging me to go to our seats.  he had me by the hand.  and we went inside.

so...yeah.  i'm sure it means something about something but i'm not sure i really want to know.  i'm pretending it signifies all of my stars aligning.  all planets and moons too.  i'm all for alignment.  (which just made me laugh because my back went out today.  maybe i should be all for spinal alignment...?)

an.e.whoooo...

this year is coming to an end so quickly.  do you guys feel like that too?  i can barely wrap my fingers and hands around each day before it's gone gone gone.  and i don't know about 2010 yet.  it has the potential to be a big year.  i'll be the big 3-0 about 3/4 of the way through it.  and i don't know how i feel about that yet.  not because i'm one of those "i'm so old!" people.  because i'm not.  but it's a big number.  and as of yet it feels bigger than i can be.  so we'll see how that goes.  luckily, we still have quite a while until then.

i will leave you with my favorite picture from our earlier december trip up north to san fran.  ben says it is his favorite picture of me ever.  in all of time.  and i'll take that compliment thankyouverymuch  :)  i happen to like it too.  me+chunky knits=comfy to the max.  so here, my sweet pepitas.  with love.

(emjamin) (our celeb couple nickname...aren't we scandalous?)

on this merriest of sundays after

have we all sighed the inevitable sigh that seems to sing, "lo, our christmastime has come and gone and now we must prepare for all that will be over and begun again in the new year."  (or maybe you had a sigh and didn't quite know what it was singing and i just enlightened you?  i'll pretend.)  this holiday ended up being quite a happy one.  i say 'ended up' because one can never know.  sometimes people are like quotients.  unknown quotients.  and to figure them out would require some kind of advanced degree that i don't have.  nor will i ever.  and by 'people' i mean family.  isn't family fun that way?  well, as it turns out, everybody behaved.  everybody wore their happy face and sunny disposition.  so, phew on that one.  saturday saw us jetting off (not really jetting at all..but driving...but jetting sounds so much more romantic and makes it seem as though i were fashionably dressed.  i was not.) to temecula to attend the wedding of the mom of one of my bf's.  this was her second marriage, his first, and i don't believe i have ever seen two people more excited and in love.  it was refreshing.  when the ceremony was over i looked at b and said, "those are two people who know how lucky they are."  and that was exactly it.  being in love involves a lot of luck (i think) and a lot of work and a lot of patience and a boatload of other things.  but i think luck first and foremost.  and i don't know if there was a dry eye during that ceremony.  mine were quite teary.  afterward we partied in grand wedding reception fashion.  there was fun dancing and chatting and adorable picture taking.  and even after that, a night out with friends.  i like to think i am continually learning about myself and i think what i learned saturday night was that i was not made to wear heals for more than 3 hours.  oh ouchy feet of mine.

this morning we woke up, joined friends for breakfast and goodbyes in the hotel lobby, and drove home.  then we napped on the couch for the better part of two hours.  watched football.  i did the sunday crossword while b played his new wii super mario bros.  it was lovely lovely lovely.  i even had time to do dishes and laundry.  (although, the laundry really does itself, doesn't it?)

things you won't be hearing me talk about here are the colts loss to the jets (of all teams!!!  are you freakin kidding me?!  you let that idiot sanchez take away your streak?! and etc and etc.), the one crossword clue that stretched across the entire puzzle and ended up being in another language (of all things!!!  are you freakin kidding me?!  stupid editor lady... and etc.), and the fact that tomorrow is a work day.  how is tomorrow monday already?  oh yeah, and the fact that this year is almost over!  another year!  gone!  how??

apparently i'm easily excitable this evening.  how were your holidays?  i hope they were as lovely as pie.

coming soon:  emily b's favorite presents of holiday season 09...

where have all of my words gone?

i thought about this post all day.  and now, when i've sat down to write it, i have no words.  i even took this lovely picture of our tree.  awww.

(our most beautifulest tree, all alight)

but i'm empty.  b is crazy-sick with a nasty flu.  his poor sweet body is writhing in pain and there is nothing i can do.  i've had a stupid head cold for the past 4 days and am bff's with kleenexes.  i wanted to write about how, even when we're not at our best, we rise to excellence to help others.  like how i just wanted to sleep all day but b needed me.  and my mom needed me.  and my boss, uj, needed me.  and even though i needed me, there really wasn't much left.  and how, when it came down to it, that was alright.  because i was alright.

i'd say a few sniffles never killed anyone but they could have.  and i can't be stupid enough to jinx myself like that...

i was going to write about how days like today feel like prep classes toward getting my motherhood degree.  i had to run my mom back and forth to the doctor.  had to run between work and home to do whatever i could to make my b bear feel better, bring him lunch, etc.  had to work.  and fix mistakes i'd made (ugh).  halfway through the day i started wondering if i'd forgotten someone at soccer practice or if i'd be late for back-to-school-night.

last night i was close to falling asleep and was really feeling like crap.  i thought, how can i even go to work tomorrow?  but then this.  all this happened.  and i managed to do all that was asked of me.  and my own sicky stuff melted away.  and i'm here.

finding all of those lost words...

 

ah, the innocence of youth: a mini-post

for much of my life i lived behind a high school.  as this was where my mother and father purchased a home.  and so it was.  we would walk around the block to the stadium and i would watch the crowd cheer and jump and cause all types of general ruckus.  always chants of 'Go Big D.'

it took me quite a few years to figure out who 'D' was.  and why he was big.  and why there seemed to be one on every football team.  honestly.  i thought there was a player nicknamed 'D' before i ever thought, hm, perhaps the D stands for something.  and by "quite a few years" i mean well into my teenage-dom.

honestly.

and while we're on the subject...where was the colts' D last night???

oh peyton...you must carry the team on your ample and strong shoulders...

you heard me.

little somethings

much of our lives is a scripted dialogue, isn't it?  from the how are you i always ask the checker at target/ralphs/vons/etc to what we say if we, per chance, work somewhere where one answers the phone.

buddy the elf, what's your favorite color? (oh how i wish!)

whenever ben and i are just about anywhere, he'll always ask, do you have everything? (meaning: purse, wallet, purchases, and etc) and i'll always answer his question with a (better) question:  do i have you? (which garners a look) and then i say, well, then i have everything.

(truth.)

what lovely words does your script hold?  share please  :)

for the love of all that is good in the universe

get your buns over to mackin ink, first of all.

then, i dare you to not fall in love with karey mackin.  it will be impossible.  and my word is my vow.

then, go to t.ruffle girls' etsy shop.

then love life.  because you will.  and enter to win one of mary&karey's fabulous prints.

just like i did.

that's right kids, be like me  :)

love.

and to all a good wednesday

it is this time of year.  a time of friends and family.  gifts both material and immaterial.  laughter.  amazing food.  incredible amounts of egg nog.

this year i adorned our return address labels with my patented design that sums up my feelings about this season.  as a girl who was lucky enough to grow up with both christian and jewish holidays in her home, i wanted to find a way to sum up december.

^ i think that pretty much sums it up  :)

now, i know some people who think growing up with both holidays is like the worst, most confusing thing ever.  so let me settle this for all of you.

you are wrong.

there is nothing that can make one (as a child and, ok, even as an adult) feel closer to god than two holidays within a months time where all things are good and lovely.  when gifts are given with wild abandon.  when family gathers and stops their bickerings to enjoy latkes or turkey.  lighting candles on the menorah or plugging in the lights on the christmas tree.  it is without confusion.  and leads to a perfectly normal adulthood.  i assure you.


so there you go.

wishing you all, my most favoritest of readers, a happy-merry-joyful (a little bit late--hanukkah--and a week and a half early--christmas--) christmukkah, hanumas, etc and etc  :)

xoxo

a grander pa i'd never know

when the weather turns
even in the slightest
i pretend your big, warm hands are holding mine
and when the skies open up
washing all of the windows in sight
i make-believe we are playing tiddly-winks
flipping those little plastic discs
laughing and feeling warm inside the safety of a home
and when i feel most in doubt
when i catch myself looking up into the sky
i imagine your big eyes
smiling, always saying
don't worry, i'm not going anywhere

-emily b.
 

upon our return

well, my sweetest&best readers, we are back.

we braved the roads of both southern and northern california.

we formed the unbiased opinion that socal traffic is preferred over all other (large) cities.

we held hands tightly.  as if our lives depended on it.

we played silly games in the car.

we sang songs that were so made-up we've forgotten them already.

we sang real songs too.

we fell in love over and over.  especially when we played 20 questions.  and we were both so freakin in sync that we guessed each others' in about 10 questions.  (and they were r-a-n-d-o-m)

we ducked in and out of rain.

we did not bicker.  fight.  nothin.  not that we do that on a regular basis but, let's be real.  it happens.  and you mix a long day in the car and traffic congestion with no alternate routes...anything can happen.  but instead...

we laughed a LOT.

we talked about books.

we talked about our boys.

and now, half of we is fastest asleep.  and the other half of we is just about there.  still kinda floating around on the goodness that was this weekend.  appreciating in a most complete way being surrounded by her three favorite boys in the entire universe.  appreciating how quickly a cal-king can run out of room.  i've got nothin but sweetness to share with y'all tonight.  i apologize for no pictures but the camera is clear across the house and i am snuggled between my husb and my sammy and i'm.not.goin.nowhere.  :)

love love love,

emily b.

letter to god: a mini-post

dear god,

on monday i thought surely you were mad at me.  since you handed me both jury duty AND an expensive medical procedure (although optional, so i suppose thank you for that).  and you made my mom all kinds of difficult.  and i wondered where we went so wrong.  as i carry you deep down in my heart and credit you with such things as my husband and our cats.  but perhaps i have been a bit of a b lately.  perhaps that is it.

and then on tuesday you saw to it that i sit in that jury room all day with craaaaaaaaamps.  but you also provided me with an ample advil supply.  and a comfortable couch all to myself.  and you also arranged for me to be released from jury duty so that my service was completed.  maybe this was an attempt to get me to forgive you for the cramps?  the jury is still out on that one  :)  (oh goodness do i crack myself UP!)

here is what.  every step of my life i have been handed only that which i can handle.  and that i appreciate.  even when it seems beyond my capacity.  even when all of my thoughts are i can't.  even when i cry.  or complain.  (sometimes a lot)  you have given me a full life.  a life full of love and happiness and trial, yes, but also kindness and beauty and boundless knowledge.

i'm glad we're friends again.
love, emily b.

untitled: a mini-post

most days i write just to write.  just to make room in my head for dreams.

today i am writing for my sanity.  for my mental health.

this morning i got in the cold car and gazed at the house through the rainy windows.  the pattering of drops on the car's roof was calming.  i knew it was warm in my house.  i knew there were comfy pants and sweatshirts.  warm&fuzzy boys who would gladly volunteer to sprawl across my legs and sleeeeep.  blankets and blankets.  hot chocolate.  and i put the car in reverse and slowly backed out of the driveway.  today it seemed like the hardest thing to do.  i have lusted after our house since we first came upon it.  it was a fateful day it was.  almost two years ago.  and i still lust.  because it is a lust-worthy house.  full of shiny wood floors.  and pillows.  coloured walls.  (sometimes u makes things so much fancier.  sometimes fancy makes all the difference.)

when we got to work, i got soaked between helping my mom get out of the rain (she has to be carried up steps) and getting back to the car to park.  it is impossible to hold an umbrella whilst carrying someone.  even if she's an incredibly small someone.  (which at least makes the carrying do-able.)  but before i ducked into the car she started asking me something about how i'd better bring the umbrella in or something or other.  and i had already brought it in.  so it made me mad.  and when i closed the car door, closed myself inside, i yelled (without thinking) i'm an adult!  and then maybe something about leave me alone and etc.  and then i couldn't help but think of andy samburg's video on snl.  wherein he says, "i'm an adult."  and it is hilarious.  i wanted to laugh.  to have it turn into a funny moment.  but i, and it, didn't.  i just shook my head and ran back to the building.

the rain and i have a love/hate relationship.  because i love the rain.  but i hate being at work in the rain.  rain is for cookies.  and even cleaning.  rain is for socks without shoes.  and forced-air heating making the bathroom the warmest room in the house.  rain is for lighting the christmas tree and appreciating how good it smells.  and rain makes it easier to be disappointed.  rain allows feelings to just be.  it's pleasant really.

today rain means being (stuck) at work with my mom who makes rainy days even harder and my sister who is just being a general bitch.

with every passing moment i think about watching the house get farther away this morning.  how it disappeared as i turned the corner.  how it is waiting for me.  full of boy-cats.  and oranges from the market.  and later, a husband.  my favourite one.  my favourite.  we'll watch football tonight.  i'll listen to music as i do the dishes.

it will erase what i am wanting to erase.  rewrite what comes next.

as i am feeling a bit rusty and all that

lately i have been letting my thoughts gather and grow.  they have seemed a bit thin.  and short-lived.  i will think this is something fantastical about which i should blog and then, when fingers get to keyboard it is more like eh.  it has been like that.  so, in lieu of some words that i haven't yet thought of or that haven't quite become magical enough yet, i will let you see my new hair.  which i had dyed (dyed?  colored?  how come i feel like i'm about 57 regardless of which word i choose..).

this is what they call a "before" shot.  as in, hey benny take a picture "before" i go to the salon.

this is what they call an "after" shot.  as in, hm, maybe we should take this picture before i change into my comfy jammies but "after" you do.  (i don't even know...)

in sunday news, we got our xmas tree today.  it was just the thing to pull me out of my weird mood.  and i really needed it.  this year marks the earliest i've ever gotten a tree.  i think in my lifetime.  i'm usually a second-half of december kind of tree purchaser.  but my blah-ness this weekend called for the most drastic of all measures.

did you think maybe you saw a sock monkey ornament?  oh, you sure did.

i am getting over my fear of adding pictures to my laptop in case it runs out of space.  which means i will be here more often.

in other good news, i finally found some poems i had been looking for.  i wrote about them here.  and then i searched and searched.  and tried to not panic.  and then just let it be.  and today, in an act of pure randomness, i found them.  in my nightstand drawer.  on the bottom.  and i could have cried.  i was absolutely bursting with happiness.  (in going back to find the link i realized i was looking for them over a year ago.  and they had been right next to me while i slept every night...pure magic is what that is.)

and lastly, i have to proclaim to the world that i have a husband whose love washes over me, washes away all of my sadnesses, my anxieties, my worries.  buoys me up into the fresh air.  sunshine.  he said and did every single thing right this weekend (and that is hard to do!).  even when i cried.  or complained.  or got really mad and swore because sometimes all you want to do is find something in your purse without having to take out every (freakin) last thing.  so thank you my sweetest&best, my hero among men.  your arms around me.  your comforting words.  your promises.  they are my shelter in any storm.

in small moments: a mini-post

after dinner, we sat on the couch.
zoned out for a bit.
we talked.

we laughed.

we watched tv.

laughed over and over.

today i don't remember exactly what about.

but it felt good.

resembled bliss.

i want the rest of our lives to be like this.

i know it's not perfect.

i know it can't all be wedding cake*.

but i want it just the same.

sometimes i get caught up in all sorts of nets.

all of my own making.

we are only getting older.

what if this, what if that, what if the other thing.

sometimes i have to tell myself to shut up.

sometimes i have to tell myself to breathe, over and over.

when my thoughts are loud and racing.

bullying.

but last night.

last night was sheer happiness.

and it came from within me.  us.

so i know it will always be there,

like a treasure constantly discovered. 

*from 'the underdog' by spoon

everybody's talking about the moon

and i saw it.  first.  it was gorgeous.  full.  filled to bursting.  i saw it on my drive home from work.  and watched it a tad more than i watched the road.  and wanted a picture of it so badly.  surrounded by wispy clouds, coating everything in it's dull yellow glow.  i wanted to pull the car over and write, "the moon is a poem.  the perfect poem."  but i didn't.  only i just did right now.

lately the moon, even half-full, has been incredibly bright.  at night our backyard looks like it's got a spotlight hovering over.  the shadows of our plants play among grass blades.  it's really magical.  surreal.  orion, our steady protector, stands guard just south and east of us.  and all of the stars around him contrast so beautifully against that black sky.  and all because of that big bright moon.

balance.

my mom has been full of telling me what to do, how to do it, when and why.  i never feel more my age than when my mom asks me if i'll wash my hands before i make her lunch.  because i want to smack her.  at the same time, i never feel more like that angsty teenager than in the same moments.  because i want to yell don't tell me what to do!  (ma, i'm 29.  please.)  but i don't smack her or yell.  just turn away and roll my eyes.  wash my hands.

i think i'm feeling claustrophobic lately.  in the last couple of weeks our remaining weekends have completely filled up.  and weeknights are SO useless.  the past couple of days i've been getting up early to do dishes.  laundry.  things i couldn't bribe my body to do the night before.  our house is a nightmare  (before christmas?  how fitting!).  lately, hours seem much more like minutes.  especially after 5pm.  days at work are sloooooow.  which i like and simultaneously dislike.  it's quiet.  but i remain unmotivated to do the gritty work that waits until quiet weeks like this.  the re-filing.  the archiving.  the climbing on ladders.  carrying bankers boxes.

i am all words today, instead.

the other night, before sleep, i started writing a poem in my head.  about our usual morning routine (read: when i don't get up an hour early).  it seemed lovely.  i almost turned over, switched the light and wrote it out but thought (so foolishly) nah, i'll remember.  and i do remember the gist of it.  but... not the same.  those words came so easy with my eyes closed.

and just like that, it's december.