a grumpy musical

there is a part of me that fantasizes about writing a musical.  the song i came up with today is titled, "i guess...it's pms" and it's really quite a rollicking good time.  ugh.  in all actuality, i don't know what it is.  (hence the "guess," perhaps)  i was mad about packing up my lunchfoods this morning.  mad about having forgotten that my car needs gas and having to fill up this morning.  mad that i'd left my sweater in the car and that it now smells like car.  (shiver)  mad that my mom is a whiny baby.  mad mad mad mad mad.  as i was leaving the gas station, i muttered to myself, "this is just not my day."  aloud.  a conscious assent.


and i have no fabulous pictures on my work computer to share.  i was thinking of the one ben took in illinois last september.  just after i'd blow-dried my hair upside down.  and then righted.  and i look like the cutest darned medusa you ever did see.  that's the one i'm thinking of.  (that's the one of which i am thinking.)

and have you ever known so many people to misuse 'your'/'you're'??  perhaps that is making me the maddest of all...

more later.  with pictures.  super double promise swears.


(and heather, yes, alert the search&rescue that i am alive and well.  just incredibly lazy, haha)

where have i been?

has it been a week?  good goodness...  it isn't that i haven't had things to say.  it isn't that i don't have pictures to share.  it may be that it took us most of the four days of our four day weekend to paint, etc our guest bathroom.  it may be that i have not turned on my computer since last sunday.  (my mini-computer-phone makes this feat less of a feat.)  it may be that, although i have words and pictures galore, i have found myself in a bit of a funk as to how to put them all together.  and, instead of taking this as a challenge, i cowered.  i slept.  watched tv.  helped ben paint our bathroom the most beautiful grey.  mastered mashed potatoes and boxed stuffing.  checked my rss runner app over and over and over again.  hoping to read someone else's words so that maybe i could find some of my own.

this week promises the following:
-before and after pics of our bathroom
-before and after pics of my new hair  :)
-at least one poem

thanks for hanging in, friends.  i hope to reward you ten-fold.

xoxo, emily b.

points taken and made

I
on saturday we began our search for the perfect end table.  since we got our new couches, our old end table wasn't cutting it seeing as it was about 20"h and our new couch arms are 30".  little bit of a discrepancy there...  so we braved the furniture stores with their lurking (best case scenario) or pushy (worst case scenario) salespeople.  we actually had a woman say to us "my name is (whateveritwas) and i'm going to be assisting you if that's alright with you."  um, how's about you can assist us IF we need assisting.  because that would be just fine with me.  nothing like a bad salesperson to drive me out of a store.  after striking out a bit we headed back to living spaces, where we bought our couch.  before we made it to the living room section of the store, we were struck (not literally) by a kitchen table.  it was cheap.  and almost the exact dimensions we needed.  (it is hard impossible to find any sort of end table that is both 30"h as well as 40"square.)  and just about an hour later we were sitting in our pretty-much-finished living room.  (yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!)

II
as you well-know by now,  we are about as proud as proud can be about our catboys.  i might have said once that my love for them may always overshadow my love for my someday-children.  (of course, i probably shouldn't have said it to my mom...since she doesn't have much of a sense of humor...)  anyway, we discovered that our boys may have a friend...
i like to call this section, "ben&em:wilderness experts!"

allow me to introduce you to our newest friend, mr. rocky raccoon.  isn't he just adorable?!  he hung outside on our deck for a bit and the boys just sat right at the glass.  not a hiss or guttural noise to be heard.  i think they were more excited about having a friend to tell them of the great outdoors.  and maybe all raccoons are friendly but i knelt down and he came right up to the glass as if to say hello new lady, will you let me dig through your trash?  and i probably would have let him but b said no no no.  although we didn't get to the trash before mr. raccoon managed to find part of my hotdog.  i didn't mind sharing  :)

he also helped us to solve the mystery of "what the freakin heck is on our rooftop?"  a game i play nightly after ben has gone to sleep and it sounds like there are men running around on our roof.  (scary.)  so i am relieved.  phew and etc.

III

our bathroom repainting project is in full swing.  b sanded down the ceiling and the walls and spackled where deemed necessary.  on thanksgiving and the ensuing long weekend we will paint.  and it will be glorious.  i've taken some before pics and will post them with after pics (if all goes according to plan) next weekend.

while b was sanding away, i ran outside to snap this shot.  it is my new favorite.

 

it's a bit bright, but, i kinda like getting lost in it  :)

a little bit disgusted: a mini-post

there is a couple sitting in uj's office right now.  clients.  asking what the financial benefits and drawbacks are of marriage.  basically the guy is saying that there are no incentives for men to get married.  and the woman is the type of woman who has to come in and waste her accountant's time asking if her pension is enough reason to stay with her current employer.

(they have been here for over an hour)

how about, get married if you want to get married.  and don't, if you don't.  i am pretty sure i'd be appalled (appalled!) if b had or hadn't married me based on financial incentives.  based on social security tax.  based on other things that matter so so so much less than, oh, let's say, love.  happiness.  contentment.  friendship.  i will ask the question although i already know the answer.  are people really this shallow?  of course they are.


and that pisses me off.  doesn't it you as well?  if it doesn't, that's ok.  there is a lot of me that is quite old-fashioned.  daydreaming about a marriage like that of my grandparents.  life-long.  hard work yet glamorous at the same time.  rewarding and fulfilling above all other things.  there is also some of me that is not old-fashioned.  the part of me that bedded that handsome husb of mine early in our courtship (early).  and lived in sinful bliss much before we were to be wed.  so i don't think i'm particularly prudish.  or disillusioned.  and i'm certainly NOT saying marriage is for everyone.  but if it IS for you, shouldn't it be for reasons other than money?  or taxes?  or benefits?  *sigh*

yesterday and today

although yesterday has completed itself and today is just newly born, they are already feeling much the opposite of each other.  which is a good thing.  yesterday was the kind of day where everything is ten times harder than it needs to be.  the kind of day where, even though everything seems challenging, there is no knowledge gained.  no reason for the challenge.  take, for instance, my helping an older woman connect to her wireless router.  now, before you stop and think that i am a geek squader, i am not.  but this woman is a family friend as well as a client of uj's.  and i am our all-knowing tech support.  (muffled laughter)  so after a lengthy convo with a verizon guy, we got that all sorted out.  but not before i had to go back to work to find a paper i should have taken with me in the first place.  that kind of day.  there did come a point where i thought, ok, we're over this now.  and what i was working on was easy.  until i realized i had done it wrong.  that kind of day.  and it seemed a bit backwards, if you ask me.  which you haven't.  but you might have.  because yesterday i slept in with wild abandon.  i slept in until 9.  which is just straight crazy.  and you'd think that would precede a day of childlike glee.  carefreeness, if you will.  but no.  it was the day of someone who gets up in the darkness of 5am.  drives to work in the worst traffic.  and breaks a heel off of their shoe.  that kind of day.

so far, today is the kind of day wherein i get to work a bit early, have time to jot down the words that are taking up too much room in my brain, and sigh a lot.  it seems a much slower day.

for the past few nights, we have had incredibly clear skies.  after b has fallen asleep i'll go and sit by the window and stargaze.  it's been incredibly romantic.  bits of quiet moments between the stars and me.  sometimes a furry boy will bonk his soft head into my leg.  but there is something serene in staring at orion's belt.  his bow.  that archer of stars.  and from the warmth of our bedroom.  lately i've been looking up a lot.  during the day i hunt down clouds, look at the sky through treetops.  on my drive home, as the sun sets, there are the most beautiful peach hues that contrast the dark tree branches.  leafless sticks of trees against a dreamy sky.  b told me a story once about how he'd called them 'sticks of trees' instead of branches.  i happen to like sticks of trees much better.  paints just the right picture.

so now we venture into the weekend.  slowly, and through the fogginess of whatever today holds.  i am trying to make no plans for the next two days.  just to see what the universe has in store for me.  and us.  i'm hoping it isn't hour after hour sitting gluttonously and lazily on the couch, but if that is our fate this weekend, so be it.  but it better not be...

take a peeks

before:

after:

i'm pretty sure we are movin on up.  jefferson style.

our new setup has been well received by those who matter most.  our furry boys.  as i type this, they are both fastest asleep on the ottoman.  which is just big enough for the both of them and our feet.  and which they are convinced is a couch we bought just for them.


now, if we could only find a tall table for the corner, we'd be able to see our lamp  :)

on being grateful

everyone seems to be compiling a list so i shall too.  i am nothing if not a stowaway on bandwagons of this sort.

i give eternal thanks for:

-my healthy, beautiful body (even when i don't feel particularly healthy or beautiful)
-my home that makes me feel safe and at peace

-my job

-good tv
-the ability to think and act for myself, the ability to know to take responsibility when i am responsible
-poetic license
-rainbow sherbet (the raspberry, orange and lime kind)
-my husband who is handy and smart and witty and funny and handsome (and my bestest friend, my favorite of all favorites)
-my cats (who share so much love with me everyday it borders on ridiculous)
-my family
-my grandma who has always made me feel like a shining star
-the varied and wonderful friends i am lucky enough to call my own
-wafer cookies
-good literature

xo

consider me a leader of cheers

COLTS WIN!  COLTS WIN!  COLTS WIN!!

BY ONE POINT!

AGAINST THOSE (insert choice word here--my choice word, 'stupid') PATRIOTS!

YAYYAYYAYYAYYAY!

consider these officially added to my wishlist  :)

(from the wonderful shop of catherine marissa, maker of my favorite stud earrings)

a good good good good day

yep, four goods.  that kind of day.

so i will fill you in on how that happened.  first, it is friday.  which does mean that eight hours after i step into work, i'm stepping out into the weekend.  friday is also, usually, the quickest day of the week.  and quick is awesome.  second, i won a contest  :)  and let me alert everyone to the fact that i am no winner of contests.  i am a grand enter-er of contests.  but that's kind of it.  until today.  you can see what i'm talking about here.  i suggested the name jack, as in london.  and, as there was already a jack, london was the winner!  :)  it certainly put a big smile on my face post-haste.  and henceforth.  and etc.  then, i was the recipient of much lovely commentary from some of my favorite people.  and that makes even the drabbest day wonderful so you can imagine the effect on an already marvelous day.  i've been daydreaming about cuddling up on the couch with a big blanket and my lappie and type-type-typing back at said fav peeps.  there will most likely be comfy pajamas involved.  and thick socks.  (and cats trying to walk all over my keyboard but we'll see about that.)

just wanted to share some goodness.  because lordy b-gordy it is easy to share the not-so-goodness.  and i take plenty of goodness from all of you.

xo my kittens, don't forget your mittens.  there is a chill in the air of the pleasantest sort...

breastplate, backplate, sword and shield (1st revision)

we chink with sorry steps, start disassembly
remove gauntlets and sabatons and
slowly our limbs take shape as we uncover inward,
toward our quivering centers.
wrists, elbows, knees,
there are our thighs
and there, our shoulders.
soon and sooner, we are bare, stripped.
the ground, a terrific battlefield, punishes us gently
as we navigate on careful tips of toes.
our walls, unbreached, hold us closely
and even closer still.
our cannons remain unfired.  our heaviest artillery
sleeps far below us in slumped piles.
we mirror and mimic and then, slowly soften,
fold ourselves one into the other,
amidst candles and light, stone and moss,
battles and wars, victories and defeats.


*please please give me any/all feedback!  let me know what works, what doesn't, etc and etc.  this is very new (read: unpolished...no armor pun intended).  xo

a two-day headache and other misadventures

so monday and tuesday saw this girl with a headache that could take an army down.  i always know it's going to be that way when i've taken my usual dose of advil and it might as well have been smarties.  it involves pain from the crown of my head down to my shoulders and just ache-ache-aches.  but, unlike my usual routine of trying to go to bed a-sap, we started bathroom demolition.

and by demolition i mean replacing the medicine cabinet.

and by replacing the medicine cabinet i mean taking out some of our home's original wood structure and then, as the coup de grace, allowing the new cabinet to fall onto some kind of mechanical sander thing that punched a hole right through the back of it.

in case you're wondering, ben was in charge of the removal of wood.  i, the breaking of our new fixture.  it was lovely really.  *sigh*

so, last night, the headache remained but we did get the cabinet to fit (because my mister is a genius).  he is handier than manny.  (you heard me)  and we also hung our new cupboard in there.  next, removing said fixtures and painting the walls grey.  also sanding.  also priming.

(so so so excited)

our bathroom is going to look really great.  i've already planned to hang a couple of my favorite prints from irene suchocki.  they're beachy ttv pictures that are causing daydreams like you wouldn't believe.  (and, could she be any nicer??  no.  impossible.)

i'll keep you updated on the demo front.  wish me all of the luck in the world.  and by wish me luck i mean let's hope i don't break everything i touch.  a sort of lady midas, if you will.  only the opposite of that.  thank goodness for my handy man  :)

the goodness of a sunday

there came a point yesterday where all of the following were facts: 

• it was early afternoon
• my mister and i were still in our pjs
• i was reading franny and zooey
• football was on the tv but muted

it was like all of the wonderfulness in the entire universe came together and existed in our living room.  and i have since determined that nothing upon nothing can beat the sheer joyful combination of good literature and good football.

also, i think all of salinger's works about the glass family should be made into films.  because, really, they would be amazing.  as for casting, i can think of no one better than adrien brody as seymour.  (holy freakin goodness he would be PERFECT!)  especially in raise high the roof beam, carpenters.  as for other characters...emily blunt would be an amazing franny.  rachel mcadams could also do it.  i know they're completely different but...hm.  i'm still trying to think of a good 'buddy.'  and zooey...well, if franny were played by mcadams i'd go with ryan gosling because there is no on-screen pair that makes me happier than rachel mcadams and ryan gosling.  other characters i need to cast:  bessie glass, lane, muriel, booboo glass...i guess the list gets very long.

talk to me about this.  i am growing infatuated with jd salinger.  developing quite a crush, if you will.  and feel his work deserves screen time.  because the writing is all there.  oh boy, is it all there.

lost and found, weekend edition

lost:
-one earring
*this is the first earring i've ever lost.  and i'm a bit confused about the whole thing.  it was a post earring.  with a secure back on it.  and i looked in the mirror before bed and it was gone.  (gone!)  and i feel very weird about the whole thing.
-one chicken wishbone
*i'd saved and dried it for special wishing with the husb only to look for it tonight and it's gone.  there i was, daydreaming about my wish.  and then, head-shaking.

found:
-new banner!!  
*brought to you by the ever-talented and stupendous mr. b.  i am soooo excited!!  he took one of my photographs and made it bigger, made it badder, made it awesome  :)  (i love the ace of cakes..don't you?)  i really didn't anticipate it being love at first site (oh, crack myself UP!)  but it ended up so much cooler than i could have dreamed.  this is the first step in creating a blog that looks and feels a bit more like "me."  (thank you forever, benny)
-new color to paint the bathroom
*gray (or "grey," depending on whatever floats your boat).  as to which gray, not sure yet.  will keep you posted.

happy monday!

saturday happened effortlessly

i was going to make a trip to our local nature center today but after awhile i thought it too late.  thought it too nice of a day for it to be uncrowded.  daydreamed a little about going when the weather is cooler.  (bundling up and hauling that camera around the two mile trail.  enjoying the quiet.  enjoying some bird noises perhaps.  holding a warm hand belonging to my husb.  he happens to have super warm hands.  all the time.  mine are always terribly cold..  even when it's hot out.  even in hawaii.)  when we got home after errands, i crunched on some of the leaves on our walkway, found this one (uncrunched) and thought, why do i need a nature center?

when i took this one i couldn't see the veins running through the leaf.  what i liked about it was the intense red being taken over slowly by the brown.  it seemed incredibly passionate.  and then i zoomed in.  and just could.not.believe how beautiful it really was.  just in its own being.  and in its slow death.  but, because i lost light so quickly, the next one is artificial light.  i don't think it matters.  it is so awe-some.  (so not bragging. so promise.)

^not a shadow.  just the dying part.  shadowy death creeps so slowly...

these were taken with my canon point & shoot.  my trusty dusty.  and the leaf came off of my very own tree.  sometimes i'm so sure i have to go looking for something when, in fact, it is right there before me.  laid out.  calling.  becoming my muse.

hope you all are having saturdays filled with plum ice creams and lilac scented pillows.  i didn't think today was going to be too wonderful but it ended up being quite delightful.

and now, popcorn and flight of the conchords.  seriously.  perfection.

*and like the world, i marry you every day*

(gary young)

the night this was taken marked the 4th year since our engagement.  

(it was the night of zach and angie's rehearsal dinner as they were to be wed the next day.)

when ben and i met, in may of 2003, i knew i would be his wife and he, my husband.  i knew it the minute he spoke.  so i always laugh a little when i think of how nervous he was.  well, after the fact.  before the fact i couldn't figure out what was wrong with him.

but there, in the glow of the sunset, wearing my new ring, it was like every piece of my life was in place.  i'd always thought i'd be the type to cry a bit but i didn't.  i remember in the car afterward saying, "i'm sorry i didn't cry it's just...i'm so happy!"  funny what we make ourselves want to plan out only to have it be better and completely different.

like, why would i plan to cry?

all of this control we want to have over our lives and so much of it is so trivial.  it never seems so.  but it always is.  even now, even as i type this, my imaginary plans seem overwhelming and necessary.

and yet, in the quiet place beyond plans, in a land of only whispers, i know i need to let go.  only i don't know how.

in the meantime, all i want to do is marry this guy over and over and over.  when we got back to our hotel, after the proposal, i begged him, "ask me again.  ask me again."  even days and weeks later.  ask me again.  because i have never felt so beautiful as i did when he knelt down and looked up at me.  that feeling...

i wouldn't trade it for crying anything.

the kind of day that holds a promise

(yesterday)

this morning i woke slowly.  it is my favorite way to wake.  i drifted in and out.  not even the construction work next door could keep me awake.  at one point, sammy curled himself around my arm and we slept like that for awhile.  maybe a few minutes.  the kind of minutes that seem longer.

this morning i'm waiting for a service technician.  sometime between 8 and 12 he'll arrive.  and, although i'm hoping for sooner, i'm enjoying the blissful quiet of two sleepy cats, my mug of hot chocolate, and the calming lull of my fingers typing my words.  have i mentioned i love typing?  oh, how i love typing...

the past few days have been delightful days.  the kind of days that make you want to call in sick to work, grab your camera and just take pictures of every single solitary thing.  crunchy leaves.  popcorn clouds.  the fire red maple at the end of our street.  i want all of the pictures to look washed out.  full of light and faded colors.  i tell myself i'll make it a priority on the weekend.  and then i won't.

BUT.  i did make chicken pot pie last night.  like from scratch.  there was no marie involved.  and no callendars.  just me and chicken and carrots and peas and puff pastry.  it was glorious.  as glorious as one could hope it to be.  i got the recipe from my favorite food mag, everyday food.  as much of a non-cook as i am, i love flipping through the pages and daydreaming about aprons and measurements and filling the house with the yummiest aromas.  (aromas??  i don't know.)  and so, yes.  the house smelled amazing.  the food tasted amazing.  and i was pretty proud of myself.  it kind of cured what ailed me i suppose, following something from start to finish. having the end product justify the means of getting there.

*it's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life...for me...

and i'm feelin.....gooooooooooood...*

*but when we wake, it's all been erased

and so it seems, only in dreams...*

(the grandest of them all, washington dc, 1944)

one:

i had a dream about my grandma last night.  or, moreso a series of dreams and seeing her was a part of them.  she looked how she used to look.  her face was full and bright.  her makeup done.  she looked like her.  something i've missed for a good few years.  now she looks old a lot of the time.  frazzled.  here but not.

in the dream she was out getting ice cream, something she always did when she lived at home.  she loves anything chocolate.  or peanut butter.  or both.  but mostly chocolate.  so, i don't know, it felt so good to see her until i woke up and realized i haven't seen her in months.  that i'll be seeing her in a week and a half.  i don't look forward to our visits as is evidenced by them being so few and far between.  but we've already been over the fact that i am selfish.  etc.  etc.

two:

i am mourning the news that polaroid is no longer making instant film.  oh, you already knew this?  yeah, i'm a bit slow on the uptake and such.  so i just found out yesterday.  and, in the true fashion of what this world is like, people are charging ridiculous amounts of money for a pack of 10 films.  this, to me, is just ultimate sadness.  polaroids are like pieces of art history.  they connect our pictures to our parents and grandparents.  and now...  i hope this changes.  i hope there is some sort of uprising because really.  digital pictures can only do so much.  give me instant!  give me uneditable!  uprising, commence!

oh sigh.

three:

tonight i will attempt to make chicken pot pie.  if it is glorious, there will be pictures and recounting and recipe-sharing.  if it is not glorious, there will be pizza.   :)

ciao, lovelies!

(i was supposed to post this yesterday)

i think i've been a bit of a grump lately.  not on purpose.  and not really consciously at all.  so here's to turning that train around.  and fast!

i painted my fingernails an awesome matte gunmetal for halloween everyday wear.  all look fine except for one finger that is completely nail polish-less.  once it starts to chip away, i have a tendency to help it along.  of course, every time i happen to glance at my hand it's like i've completely lost a finger nail.  and then i snicker a bit.

does anyone else snicker?  i vote for more snickering.  less chuckling, perhaps.  but also chortling.  (isn't that a kind of laughing?)  more chortling for sure.  and, as i am sure it is already the most popular, keep up the giggling.  no more, no less.

aaaaanywho.

i was driving back to work this afternoon after taxiing my mom home (we work together.  i am our ride.) when i realized suddenly and a bit scarily that it was only tuesday.

only tuesday!

did anyone else realize this today?  i was sure for a while there that it was friday.  although i never complain about it being tuesday as i watch my sytycd.  i highly recommend it.  sytycd, that is.  my favorite thus far, russell.  he is adorable yet edgy and has so much talent.  watch it!  then tell me who your favorite is!!

speaking of favorite people other than one's husb, we have a client who is from germany and every time we talk i feel very european.  he is almost 100.  and has lived here (not germany) most of his life.  but he has an amazingly soft german accent.  unmistakable.  i think his w's are still v's.  and i delight in it.

it seems as though november is turning around.  last night i felt the shadow of november's first two days lifting off of me.  i cuddled up with my three boys (one husb, two cats) and smiled and laughed and felt comfortable in my own skin again.

and speaking of favorite people who are one's husb, i think i've got the best of them all.  although, perhaps i am a bit biased.  but really, 24/7 swooning.  happening right here.  in this very body of mine.

a rocky start

on saturday we left lunch and ben made me laugh so hard i couldn't keep my eyes open.  i had to stop walking.  i was laughing that hard.  and my eyes were closing against my will.

this was how october ended.

well, that and wonderful friends that night.  friends and pizza and candy and hot chocolate.  and friends' kids.

it was a pleasant end to a busy month.

but november, so far, has just sucked.  (not literary enough for you?  i can find no better verb...)  sunday was just plain stupid.  i felt like i was floundering in every non-decision i've ever made.  you know, the things you want to have an opinion about but don't make the time.  i wanted to clean out my closet and dresser.  i wanted to de-clutter.  i felt weighed down by all of my "stuff."

but we did none of that. and the day dragged on in a purely daylight standard time way.  and i felt like a lump all day.  and i still feel like a lump.

i thought, self, let's give november a couple of days to prove himself.  but alas.  day two is just the same.  same crap.  same weird mood i'm in.  same wanting to change the world but having just enough motivation to take my shoes off before crawling into bed.

it's that bad.

not to mention people are driving like a-holes now.  i mean, there are always the choice few.  but people were cutting me off just in time to stop at a red light.  and i'm not slow, peeps.  you can ask the husb.  when my foot is on the pedal, it's all about the metal.  (i just made that up.)  so there i was cursing people and their stupid cars and their stupid everything.

and i probably could have let it go if i didn't feel like i were otherwise drowning in a sea of suckiness.

and i am usually quite the lover of these last couple of months of our year.  i do so appreciate the crispness of a california fall/winter.  i love holiday meals possibly more than most.  i make a crazy good pumpkin pie.  and i love love love buying gifts for people.  wrapping them.  and etc.

but...i am not excited about how this month has started out.  all dreams dashed and plans foiled.  all bickery and the like.

i am much better when i am laughing so hard i almost topple over.  oh october, how i miss thee.  and how close and far away you are seeming in this very moment...