this is halloween, everybody make a scene

today we are having a halloween party at work.

i have purchased mini bottles of sparkling cider.

i have baked a pumpkin pie with which i plan to surprise my mommiest of moms.

and it is possible we will have rotisserie chicken.

and potato salad.

and other yummies for lunch.

i am excited.

in quite the spirit, if you will.

happy halloween eve, my friends!

may your weekend be spooky and sweet...

i dance and

you curl to me in sleep
and i to you
a definition of sweetness
it may be that there is a breeze
out of our window
or a violent storm or calm

in dreams we sail
rocking with the waves
our feet are tanned
speckled with water
it may be there are birds
it may be that we are alone
together

our lives are ordinary of course
we work across cities kiss good-bye
kiss hello and again
i daydream about what comes next
the night's dinner or painting a bathroom
building a family
with bricks and mortar and devotion
our love stands aside unwavering
in dreams and in living and ever after

in the language of falling, flying

the way autumn speaks in leaves
all crackles and whispers
hushed and raging
it pulls us from sleep, begs us to dance.

we have flown through this season before
undaunted and adventurous.
we know about smiles and gray skies,
storm fronts,

birds over rooftops,
fleeing trees that toss and tumble yet are always righted,
their wings, the birds' wings, tip, tip, glide, turn.
everything is moving.  right now.
everything is a motion to which we adapt,
take on,
take off.

here's what

say you have just had an amazing weekend.**

say it consisted of a daytrip with your favorite of favorites.

and you did dreamy things like tour a retired naval aircraft carrier.

and lie on a hilltop whilst planes roared over your head just before landing.

(so dreamy)

say you kept waking up in the night only to find that your body and your favorite's body were entwined.

and you sighed the deepest, most sleep-inducing sigh.

and your dreams were sweet.  (except the one about the serial killer...creepy and NOT sleep-inducing.)


and then your day was a crap-storm.


what then?


**more about the dreamy weekend later...when i have access to photos...

look who's turning 1!

(runaway balloon in the business park...i just knew it would come in handy one day!)

well, lovies, here we are.

i can't believe, a year ago today,

i typed my very firstest post.

i have never successfully kept a journal.

of any sort.

and for a writer

that's like sacrilege.

but it just was never my thing.

but blogging.

i'm having a blast.

i've made some awesome bloggy friends.

been inspired.

been pushed.

and i am nothing but better for it.

so i hope a little part of you can celebrate today...

maybe have some sweets.

maybe play your favorite songs.

maybe leave me a comment?  :)

just know how grateful i am

for each and every one of you.

for your kindness.

and friendship.

here is to what comes next...

living in strange skin (and other little nothings)

do you have those days?  it always starts when i'm getting dressed and i stand in front of my clothes for what feels like 10 hours.  but is really only parts of minutes.  and i look at every shirt, every sweater, and know that no matter the combination, it will fit oddly and not match.

even if it matches.  follow?

so i settled on a t and hoodie because if there was ever a duo that could do no wrong, it would be the t and hoodie.  my trusty friends.  but it was all for naught.  i think it's a feeling that is more internal than ex.  but the external is so much easier to blame.  i make it about how the fabrics feel, one against the other.  i sigh a lot.

today wasn't so bad.  i went with a heather gray t.  a brownish hoodie.  jeans.  gray flats.  i could even accept the brownish hoodie and gray flats.  but.  hm.  it wasn't right.  and it really affects every part of the day.  although, i admit, it's worse when the problem seems to be the undergarments.  way worse.  wearing the wrong bra makes even the best day torturous.

(side note: just realized that for the past 6 months or so, i've been saying tortuous when i've meant torturous.  mostly because i thought the former sounded more european.  and because i thought they were the same word.  awesome.)

i don't even know what cures this.  i guess a shower.  pajamas.  but those are cure-alls.  i can't be certain they specifically cure this weirdness.  i'd like to know what a shower and/or pajamas CAN'T cure.  it seems impossible.

and unlikely.

in related news, is anyone else out there addicted to pajama/comfy pants?  i find it goes against everything in my internal solar system to go to any store and not buy comfy pants.  like my planets get crazy misaligned.  and their moons fall out of the sky.

other things i'm addicted to: 

-cheese
-bowls (ie anthropologie's latte bowls or c&b's mini parker bowls)

-"eyes" by rogue wave
-husb
-etsy
-thrifty rainbow sherbet
-foot rubs

p.s.  i was really really (really!) hoping to utilize the new (to me) strikethrough feature.  tomorrow maybe?  it's a big day...  stay tuned  :)

in defense of my predictability (a mini-post)

this picture is not from tonight.

although, the cookies i made looked exactly the same.
as i used the same recipe...
but i think they looked even yummier than in this pic,
taken last june.
i am still baffled as to how one can make cookies
that look like they're straight from a magazine.
but now that i've tried twice,
i feel it is a proven fact.
most scientific, if you will.
and if i can't screw 'em up,
no one can.

and in a most honest moment,
i will divulge my most secretest of recipes.
first, you'll need a bag of ghiradelli chocolate chips.
second, you'll need to follow the recipe on the back.

one day, when i have children,
i will tell them it is a recipe passed down
through the ages.
perfected by yours truly.
yep, i've saved all of my lies for my children.
but for you, lovies, nothin but the truth.

(heart)

this very sunday-ish of mondays

.blah.

at one point i awoke to sammy heaving. you know, that hairball noise. it was dark. it was 5:00. i was a bit relieved that it wasn't tiggy galloping over me even when he has food, water and shelter. (oy!) so he heaved and heaved. he isn't much of a hairballer so i wasn't too concerned. at one point i got up to swipe his nose with vaseline (it clears up hairballs) but he slunk away. and stopped heaving. then i realized it was monday morning. and not sunday. and a feeling of dread washed over me as i found sleep again.

then i had a dream that b and i were on vacation. we were fighting about everything. at one point he said he was done. and broke up with me. i was devastated.

sigh.

then, in the still dark, b woke me up to say goodbye. i mean, not forever. but for work. although, after my dream i was a little concerned. and lonely. and terribly sad. it was only 6:30. (these eyes don't even know what 6:30 looks like!) it took me about .03 milliseconds to fall back to sleep.

then, in the gray morning my alarm went off. i got up, put on my jeans, read my fav blogs, then curled up back in bed with the tiggster and went right back to sleep. (even as the neighbor's construction project was going on! even in my jeans!) i could fit the description of a "sleepy-head" quite easily today.

perhaps i should mention that we took off our terrible mattress protector (the urethane kind) last night and now you can actually sink in to the delicious goodness that is our mattress. at the moment, i am deciding that the warranty being voided cannot be as important as the amazing comfort of our unprotected bed.

and since leaving that foamy, mattressy haven, i have been daydreaming only of returning. oh, cushiony goodness.

i just haven't felt like myself these past few days. a disastrous mix of distracted, restless, unmotivated, and whiny. i feel like all of the love in the world couldn't help. and yet, i still want it. (um, i'm pretty sure i mentioned whiny...) it wouldn't be too much of a stretch to spend all of tonight in pajamas whilst type type typing on my laptop...but i might even be too much of all of the aforementioned to do even that.

if nothing else, homemade chocolate chip cookies.

and my word is my vow.

dear southern california weather,

really?
a blazing 90 degrees?
how did that seem like a good idea
for mid-october?

how about some more of that
gray
rainy
chilly
goodness you graced us with on tuesday?

how about some
scarf-wearing,
bundled-up,
boots-n-all,
hat & mittens
kind of weather?

we're ready!
ready, i tell you!

look, nobody likes to sip hot spiced cider
whilst sitting under the ceiling fan.

nobody wants to cuddle up with their honeybunchesofoats
(best nickname ever, no?)
only to have to move in three seconds
because they're sweating!

get cold, dammit!
and stay cold!

(and by cold i mean, like, 68 degrees)
(nothing too drastic)

sincerely, emily b.

listen, watch, be

the theme of this month.

undeniably.

while i sat in church last week for our friends' wedding, i felt like god was all around me. it was almost heavy. and a bit comforting. i hadn't been excited about this wedding (i know ben is rolling his eyes right now!) for reasons i probably shouldn't post on this most public of places. but sitting in that gorgeous church shook all of my bad feelings right out of my head.

i thought, god wouldn't want me to focus on other people's crap. he'd want me to focus on the good in my life. the love in my life. why am i wasting time being angry about a marriage that doesn't affect me? instead i should fill my mind with thoughts about my marriage. which i consider successful. and fated.

perhaps i have mentioned i am a marriage snob..?

i am.

but i felt so filled with spirituality in those moments i had no room for my snobbiness.

and then, on our flight home, we flew over the grand canyon. i am sure to have flown over in the past but it has always been dark. so. wow. are there other words? just wow. and there was that spiritual feeling, again. how else to describe it. a fullness of sorts. but a lightness also.

a heavy bliss.

i thought, god are you listening to me right this instant? are you watching the naive expression of awe spread across my face? are you feeling the joy that i am feeling?

and all i heard back was, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

yes to everything.

i have had one goal this year and it is yet to be realized. my deadline was this past friday. and it was not to be. and all i kept telling myself was, your deadlines don't matter. they are foolish. don't push the universe until it breaks. expand and contract. keep your wishes but allow them room to grow. don't suffocate them. don't suffocate yourself.

it went like that for awhile. mostly because i was talking myself down from a ledge of sorts. a ledge of feeling sorry for ones self, really.

and i don't want to suffocate myself.

so i'm breathing.

even when i'm at a wedding i feel questionably about. and flying over the grand canyon. and watching my husby sleeeeep so sweetly. and putting up with my sister. and wishing away countless minutes.

wishing and breathing.

listening and watching.

being.

update: (a mini-post)

somehow i dragged my heavy, sleeping body
out of bed.
washed my face.
brushed my teeth.
washed all but three dishes.
(not really a long story but a needless one.)
flat-ironed my hair.
and was on my way.
(also got dressed but was hoping that went without saying..?)

so in honor of my ability to get something accomplished
pre-workday,
i am baking myself a boatload of chocolate chip cookies tonight.

possibly moreso because this color,
this yummy brown,
is making me crave gooey,
chocolatey,
melt-in-your-mouth,
cooooooooookies...

mmmmmmm

becky home-ec(k)y (a mini post)

and thusly my plans of waking to do dishes
and clean the kitchen
have been dashed.

try as i may,
i can't quite kick the night-owlness
that resides within me.

as going to bed after 10
means waking up any time before 8
is ugly.

at best.

goodnight my lovely kings and queens.
may your pillows be as gateways unto peaceful slumber.

and time passes and time passes

i listened to ray lamontagne on the way home today and have been humming the orchestral parts of 'sarah' all night.

i wasn't going to write. wasn't going to sign in to blogger. but i couldn't sleep. and one thought led to another. to another. to another.

until i found myself sitting up, grabbing my laptop off of the floor, writing.

and it was this that compelled me:

in early october, 1991, i was in 6th grade. i was 11. these are facts. the rest is possibly speculation to a point. one day, much like the rest and up to that point so indistinguishable that i couldn't tell you which specific day it was, i came home to a house full of people. these people were my mom's friends and parents. these people looked at my sister and me with the oddest pity. like pity you don't know you'll be needing or deserving of. a front before the storm. harried wind. frantic trees.

we went into our room, my sister and i, and my mom told me our dad had died.

whenever i see this moment, it is from the corner of the ceiling looking down on myself. crying. crying so hard i thought it might break my entire body. crying all night. i know for a while my grandpa sat with me, held me. but my tears knew no bounds and soaked my hands and face and clothes and sheets. my grandpa's shirt.

there have been times in my life i have felt so close to god i can almost hear his breathing. in that moment, the ensuing evening, the years that passed, i don't think i felt close to god at all. i think i felt god had forgotten about me. had left me. but when i go back, watching myself crying, i think god was there. in the corner of the ceiling.

is it possible to feel something has happened long after it has?

earlier this month marked eighteen years since my dad took his life.

eighteen years.

i remember when it had been eleven and i couldn't believe that he had been gone for as long as i had known him. now, my years without him have eclipsed those first eleven. most of which i don't remember (who remembers being two?). i used to go to our special place every october and father's day. i would sit on the brick surrounding the fountain and open up all of my thoughts in the hopes my dad could hear them. this year i forgot until tonight.

eighteen years.

i have pictures. some tape recordings of his voice. but couldn't tell you what it felt like to hug him. what his laugh sounded like. even his voice on the tape sounds weird. his michigan accent is so strong and i don't remember that at all.

it is so painful to lose little bits of him regardless of how hard i fight it. his existence gets farther and farther away from me. how could we not be strangers, one to the other?

dad, maybe you thought you weren't worth missing. or that time would allow your little girl to forget you. maybe you were a bit glad this year when i didn't show on father's day. i don't think my heart was in it. but you are a part of me. i don't need to sit at the fountain to tell you that. and there is no death that could end my love for you.

*i am yours, however distant you may be, there blows no wind but wafts your scent to me, there sings no bird but calls your name to me, each memory that has left its trace with me lingers forever as a part of me, i am yours* -eric clapton

four airports, three days

(favorite red flats: $40, box of snoopy band-aids: $2, press level carpeting: priceless)

we are now in chicago. after making appearances at the long beach, phoenix, indianapolis, and o'hare airports.

in order of like:

1. long beach
2. indianapolis
tied for 3rd. chicago & phoenix

and now we're in chicago. sitting cozily in zach & angie's living room. having fun being a family. sometimes family is just what you need to get your mind off of your troubles.

family.

and laughter.

and the best steak fajitas you could ever dream of.

and the office wedding. *sigh*

in other news:

indianapolis was dreamy! it wasn't in the stars for peyton and i to meet up, compare stories, share in my love for him. i settled for a stadium tour and i'll tell you what, it wasn't a settlement as much as it was AWESOME!

(ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!)

now, we didn't get to go in the colt's locker room but the sign was enough for me. (yeah, i'm that easy.) and we got to go on the field and in the hallways--thesameexacthallways that peyton walks down when he is going to rock on sundays! and sometimes even mondays!!

awesome!

and now we're in wedding mode. tomorrow night is the rehearsal & dinner and saturday is the wedding.

best news of my life:

angie is going to crash the wedding to be my date while ben stands amongst the groomsmen!! is there better news? ever?? hoorah!!

i'll fill y'all in as i find the time and words to do so.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

*and i would only dare to know the edges of the universe in my dreams*

i envy people who can pack up and take off. (i envy you, s) i can barely pack up to go to work without wishing i were at home. not to be a homebody. not to trade my mad bookkeeping skills for dishes and cleaning the hardwood floor cinderella style.

i just like the way my house smells. i like the way my cats follow me all around, rubbing their soft heads on my shins. i like the light that comes in differently in each window. i like that every room seems to lead to the next. home = peace and light and happiness.

*sigh*

on the flip side, i love seeing the world. i love travelling once we're out of the house. once we've landed somewhere. once my eyes are seeing everything for the first time (or the fifth). i like knowing i'm a visitor. that i'm new. out of place.

this week sees us jetting off to indianapolis and chicago. i am looking forward to bits and pieces of this trip but am most glad about it signifying the end of a hectic couple of months. ben and i keep saying, "october 11th. and then we can breathe." i'm looking forward for some time for weekend trips here and there without looming responsibilities.

before i showered tonight, tiggy crept through the door before i could close it (otherwise the light shines right across the pillows of our bed...not great for an almost asleep husband). he ran around in there until i enticed him out and patted on his favorite new bed (the top of the hamper) and then i quickly shut the door and showered. when i opened the door and stepped out, the floor was warm underneath one of my feet...which meant my sweetest of soft boys had laid there just waiting for me. tiggy is the worst (read: best) at knowing when we're going away. he lays on the charm really thick-like. like that sleeping by the door move...gets me every time.

i'm sure it's stupid but i really miss my guys when we're gone. i know, i know. they're cats. i get it. but i find comfort in their soft bodies taking up corners of the bed. their nuzzly faces. the way their purring always puts me to sleep. i always feel a little bit lonely when we are without them...

so, yes, indianapolis and chicago. my fingers are crossed for a tour of lucas oil stadium. also, we'll get to spend some time with zach & angie :) for me, i think this might be the highlight of this trip. and on sunday, we return home. to the welcome autumn air. a blend of the warm sun and cool breeze. our home will await us. our boys.

is it bad, on a monday, to be looking forward to sunday?

october 11th. inhale. exhale.

a letter to my grayest love

(tiger, falling fast asleep on my lap)

dear tiggy,

although i appreciated your stampede across our bed this morning, to wake me in order to feed your grumbly tummy, at 5:30, even though you still had food in your bowl, but i let that slide, i did not appreciate you throwing up approximately three minutes later, in our bedroom doorway. had i known it were just in the doorway, i probably would have left it until i was ready to meet the day (read: 7:30) but i could not ignore my fears of it being on the rug or amidst the vacuum cord, which, as i discovered, once the light was on, and i was wide awake, it wasn't.

sweet boy, my love for you is as deep as the roots of the oldest tree.

(but, for serious, give your mama a break.)

perfect fit

i have been known to dress exclusively in jeans and a fitted tee.
flip flops. maybe some flats if i'm feeling fancy.
definitely a zip-up hoodie.
no matter the day.
the weather.
my mood.
give this girl a comfy sweatshirt and some trusty denim
and she's set.

i have been known to frown at weddings.
and birthday parties.
and the like.
wearing an odd-fitting dress.
the wrong heels.
the shell of someone much older
albeit better dressed than i wished i was.

i have been known to stow away clothes in the car.
a quick change as soon as my back is turned.

i have been known to wear jeans to bridal showers.
well, my own, at least.
but it was a luau.
complete with light up 6ft tall palm tree.
and i wore a grass skirt.
(over my jeans)

god, i was comfortable that day..

and happy.

and it was only the beginning.