oh week of unendingness and the like

this week has been so many things. it has been slow. it has been long. it has been...boring. you know what i say to that??

harumph.

loud. and. clear.

yesterday (7/29) was my mom's wedding anniversary. 30 years ago she'd married my dad. i love the pictures from that day. my mom in her floppy hat. my dad in his unbuttoned shirt. they were so 1979. if i had any pictures, they'd be on here. alas. they live in the closet at my mom's house. in a dusty box. my parents were only married for 5 years. i had never thought of their marriage in terms of years before i asked my mom yesterday. it was odd to put a number to it. and think about our 3 year anniversary sneaking up on us in a week.

in other anniversary news, today (7/30) was my (maternal) grandparents' wedding anniversary. it would have been 65 years had my grandpa been alive. what a marriage they had. how unconditionally loyal they were, one to the other. it certainly gives me something to strive for in my own life. a successful and lifelong partnership with my husband. oh, swooning swooners.

tomorrow will mark the tail end of the end of july. i don't know why it seemed to be such a challenging month for me. as i said a couple of posts ago, this july has seemed eternal. at the same time, i cannot grasp that it will be august this weekend. (or that, we will indeed be celebrating our wedding day happening 3 years ago...)

i don't know that i can say time is flying (with the exception of said long-suffering july). more like teleporting. i mean, at every turn it's the next month! soon we will be ringing in twenty-ten!

CRAZY!!

aaaaan.yw.ho.
the good news is that tomorrow is friday. as well as the end of this seemingly hopelessly neverending july. i will say that i've meant to have been blogging this entire week but with early nights (zzzz) and no great time at work for this chatty banter (*you've got to grind, grind, grind at that grindstone*) i have been left with only daydreams of posts. repleat with pictures and poems. and the like. but for now, for tonight, this is all i've got.

muah

who will read me to sleep tonight?

goodnight house, goodnight boys, goodnight neighbors making noise
goodnight hugs, goodnight kisses, goodnight misters and their misses
goodnight sky, goodnight stars, goodnight silent rushing cars
goodnight husb, goodnight yard, goodnight day that was so hard
goodnight feet, goodnight hands, goodnight whooshing ceiling fans
goodnight love, goodnight trees, goodnight you's and goodnight me's


:) xo

as july is all around us

for some reason july seems to be going on forever.
two weeks ago i was getting panicky about quarterly reports.
and other such work nonsense.
and i had 3 more weeks to go!
now here we are. good ol 7/22.
we have nine days left!!
will july never end??

perhaps it is all the forward-thinking mr b and i have been doing.
we have three trips to chicago in the next three months.
so we are daily talking about departures and arrivals.
layovers and checked baggage.
our three year anniversary is just a couple of weeks away.
and beyond that the day of my glorious birth :)
that's a lot of stuff to be excited about!

it leaves little time to think about the now.
but the now is so pleasant. so worthy of our thoughts.
i do love the feeling of this little blog waiting for me.
"fill me with your thoughts and words and sentences,"
it chimes.
and how could i do anything but oblige?

things in the now i am excited about:
-joint birthday party for mr b and our good friend mr r this weekend
-so you think you can dance!! (my new fav show)
-my headache is on its way out...phew
-i get to head home in about ten minutes
(what could be better??)

i know you think i've forgotten about my goal of putting up pics from the fourth of july.
but i have not forgotten. i am guilty of not even having said pictures on my computer. how is this possible?! so, apparently it is more of a long-term goal...but i promise they will be worth the wait. especially the ones of the kiddos. heartbreakers, all of them.

kisses, my friends!
(if i knew french, that's the kind of thing i'd say in french)
(help me out, s!)

flit and floating

my blushing hydrangeas

as down as i was last week i feel a bit as if i'm floating this week. not for any particular reason or lack of gravity. just an uncanny feeling of okay-ness. the feeling that i can handle what is thrown at me. something inside that says that, although things, possibly everything, will go wrong, i will survive it with grace.

it is possible i have had this feeling before but i am not remembering it in this moment. and so, i am reveling in this newfound...okay-ness. well reveling and fearing. just in case fate wants to catch me unawares...

i should be sleeping as i know i will feel as if a boulder crushed my entire soul when i awake in the morning. but the house is so quiet. all of my boys are laying (lying?) around, sprawled out, trying to combat the still night that sits outside of our window. the ceiling fan hums it's full-speed hum. other than that, the refrigerator occasionally does something. the ice in the icemaker shifts. the noises that go unnoticed in daytime are a lullaby of sorts. disjointed yet reliable.

there has always been something about the night that has kept me in its clutches. or perhaps not. perhaps there has always been something about sleep that has terrified me in the most primordial sense. as a child i cried my way through many a night. fighting sleep as if it were the devil. and even today. although i can't stay up nearly as late as i used to (how did i ever stay up until the sun rose? how did i ever stay up past midnight? oh, ok, that one was a stretch..) i am always fighting it.

and all the while, my love lies next to me in the sweetest sleep. he must know something i have been slow to catch onto. the safety of dreams. the peace that comes with heavy eyelids, slowing breath. perhaps it is about time that i join him in that sea of peaceful dreams. leave behind my fears. my wrong and learned behaviors. perhaps sleep and i need to start fresh. with a clean slate of sorts....

....zzzz....

as we celebrate

i'm so sorry i've been away. it's been a bit of a crazy week as i'd been planning for benny's birthday. nothing crazy. but a weekend full of happiness. and carefree-ness.

my sweetest and best celebrated his 28th birthday saturday.

so you can see why i haven't had much time to be chatty. i'm hoping that changes a bit in the coming week. until then, a letter to my favorite guy.

dear benny,
if only i could express in actions my undying love for you. a love that only grows and grows. i hope this coming year is more amazing than you could ever dream.... i would give you the world if i could. the stars and the beauty of the heavens and the oceans. and yet. i can only promise you the comfort of my arms. the deepest love of my soul. the unending loyalty in my eyes. i hope we can celebrate 100 more of your birthdays together... i can't imagine it any other way.

yours always,
emmy

this one is about me being selfish and also self-loathing

it's almost like there is a real, material, little girl living inside of me whining and stomping and making terrible faces. saying things like, "but i don't WANT to!" saying things like, "but why do I have to?!"

i think she has pigtails. long and straight. she wears church clothing. the clothing of someone who feels others are asking too much of them. the clothing of childhood.

this little girl, living inside of my very soul and mind, is a bitch.

well. i'm just being honest.

i woke up today and felt like throwing a tantrum. i don't wanna go see grandma. i hate going to that place. it smells. i wanted to find reasons to not see her. because i am selfish. and made it all about me.

so unattractive.

in reality, my grandma gave me so much, loved me so much, that i should see her much more than i do. i barely see her once a month. and every time i see her, i leave in tears. because seeing her there, knowing she is not herself, is one of the most terrible feelings i've ever known.

oh wait, was i talking about me again?!

so we went today. (thank god ben went with me.) and, as always, the place smelled. like sanitizer and old people. and that makes me sad. then they served food. and then it smelled like aforementioned smells plus food. i mean, i can handle the smells of many things. but. i dunno. not today i guess. then, as we took a walk, my grandma had a bathroom accident. i won't say much more except that it smelled terribly. (does that sum it up without making everyone gag the way i did?)

and i had to leave.

and i left without saying goodbye.

(in my feeble defense, my sister was there and took care of everything.)

other than my feeble defense, i felt/feel like a terrible and selfish brat. i can't shake it. and even worse, i never want to go back. like ever.

HOW TERRIBLE IS THAT??

i keep trying to make it about seeing her but i always turn it around to how it makes me feel. but i don't WANNA go. i mean, this little girl is getting on my nerves. but this little girl is me. i've created her. or stemmed from her. and here we are. (i didn't even say goodbye to my grandma! what is wrong with me?!)

the truth is, i've been cry-y all week. crying at tv shows. (preposterous!) crying at nothing. (are you kidding me?) crying about this. crying about that. i feel like i'm fighting tears all the time. and it all started with the dream about my grandpa. who would have been so disappointed in me today. who would have lectured me about "who do you think you are to treat your grandmother that way" and "she loved you when you were stinky and grumpy."

all of this is true.

after all of these years of loving her i feel like she is already dead to me. in a way. possibly in the most important way. everything that we used to talk about, the way we would hold hands, outings taken together, meals shared, jokes made, memories engrained...it's all different now. the memories stay but it is hard to not replace them with the new her. i feel like i am always fighting to keep her in my mind the way she used to be. at her best. beautiful and smart and fashionable and loving and mean. but in a good way.

perhaps this is a week of mourning. perhaps that is why all of the crying. the preliminary dream about teeth falling out. the re-mourning (if you will) of my grandpa. and my constant struggle with the denial of my grandma's ongoing life. a life filled with dementia and sanitizer-smell. my mourning of who she used to be, that person forever lost within her.

i don't know. i don't know if i need someone to slap me and tell me to buck up. or if i need someone to just let me cry my eyes out. i'm hoping after all of this, tomorrow will be a much different day. a day where i am not the center of my own world. i don't know.

and as thursday glides into friday

i will be fastest asleep

my goal for this weekend is to post about our 4th of july gala, replete with pictures and my witty repartee, of course

until then, i will leave you with this:

i have been without a/c in my car for a couple of months and for awhile i was obsessing about getting it fixed (it's expensive!)

but today, as i drove through the tree-lined streets of the lb i enjoyed the sun on my arm

and i enjoyed hearing all of the sounds of other cars and their music ("WHO is listening to THAT" is something i say often)

there is something soothing about the raucous wind beating it's way inside my car, tumbling about, then blowing out of the passenger window

but then again, we've been blessed with a most mild summer thus far

and my commute is incredibly short (2 miles? through the park? under jacarandas and ficuses?)

i'm pretty lucky

i dunno

i'm feeling kind of

vintage, if you will (is it shabby chic to drive sans a/c?)

and i think i'm kinda liking it

sadness and joy

this is the man by which all other men shall be judged
(august, 1981)

on saturday morning i awoke and, for a moment, i was completely still. in memory it was surreal. and then i remembered my dream. and then i started sobbing. and i couldn't stop. i couldn't even stop long enough to tell ben what my dream had been about. what had me in such tears.

but it was simple.

the dream was long and rambling and most of it was the nonsense of which most of our dreams are made. toward the end of the dream, i saw my grandpa, standing on the street in an outfit he used to wear. one i must have been very familiar with in life as it was reproduced in perfection in this dream. he had on slacks, a button-up shirt, and his burgundy windbreaker.

in the dream i ran up and threw my arms around him. i sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. he hugged me, patting me on the back. "it's ok, i'm here. i'm here." i would know his voice anywhere... and this went on until i woke up.

as my eyes opened i was enveloped in calm. the light coming through our turquoise curtains was serene. and then i remembered him. his arms around me. my sobbing.

and it continued. i couldn't help it.

my grandfather died over 11 years ago. just before i graduated high school. the night he died, he was at home and we rushed over to see him. it is likely i have never cried so hard or for so long. as if crying ever brought anyone back...

all day, as we prepped for our 4th of july gala (just hours later), i would think of him and choke up. my throat would tighten. my eyes would blur. i would have to regroup. sometimes the balance is overwhelming.

even now, as i am writing this, i am wiping away tears. my nose running. my throat tight. and i couldn't tell you why if you asked. why this dream was so different. i have dreamed him before. i have dreamed my father many times. but never have i, days later, been brought to tears so easily. nor have i ever woken up and cried as i did... what an amazing reminder that my soul is constantly journeying. and that, although i am all questions and tears at this point, there will be some semblance of answers in my future. or perhaps it is only that the wall between this life and that beyond is much more penetrable than i ever thought...

my grandpa was everything a great man must be. he was smart. strong. funny. so incredibly loving. loyal. honest. my mom said he must have visited me. and i had felt that even before she said the words. how glad i was to see him again. how i had missed him. how i loved him. and how sad it was upon waking. to feel him so closely yet know how far away our souls must be.

(grandpa, if in some odd twist of fate they have blogs wherever you may be, thank you for the visit. i'm sorry i cried but i couldn't help myself...seeing you filled me with such sadness and joy that all i could give you were my tears. but please, please, please come back. don't stay away... i love you, as always.)