the division

before ben left for work this morning we talked about making dinner together. like a real dinner. like no microwave involved. like defrosting chicken. (i know!) so i made a small grocery list, moved said chicken from the freezer into the fridge, etc etc. at work i thought about when i should go shopping. what time i should get home so that we can start cooking asap. i thought, "do we have a vegetable side to go with dinner?" i thought, "this is going to be romantic." we were going to cook together, be together, have a great night, etc etc.

whoa.

i get home, groceries in hand. i do dishes whilst doing laundry. i take chicken out to further thaw. i am pumped and ready to be as much like giada as i am humanly capable. i have music on. what could be bad? well! ben gets home. is in a bad mood. is hungry/tired/grumpy. does not want to cook dinner tonight. instead he has leftovers. and we barely say two words to each other all night.

hmm.

how could the chasm between fantasy and reality have been so vast tonight? i mean, it was insurmountable. and soooooo disappointing. *sigh* i should have known that since the planning was going so smoothly, something would come along and muck it up. a friendly reminder that god laughs while we make plans, i suppose.

touche god, touche.

revisited

last night, for the first time in a long time, i had a dream about my teeth falling out. there was a time i had these dreams every night. and it got to the point that it didn't phase me.

but it kind of freaked me out last night. maybe because i had lost two teeth in the dream. one was a molar and one was one of those fangy top teeth. (well, they are fangy!) it wasn't the molar that freaked me out because nobody could see that it was missing. but the one on the side/front...i was hysterical.

in the dream, that is.

and the pits where the teeth used to be HURT. it was terrible.

so i woke up and felt all around and had all of my teeth but couldn't help feeling as if i'd been visited by a ghost of sorts. to have a feeling so familiar wash over me yet have it feel so strange.

and, of course, the boys woke me up at 4 (tiggy wanted food). and then at 5 (tiggy wanted something, who knows). and then at 6 (sammy found the ball with the bell inside of it and thought it would be great to bring it up on the bed and drop it onto the hardwood floor. over and over).

what monkeys those boys are. tiggy almost sat square on my face at the 4 o'clock hour. thank god i was awake enough (barely) to turn away at just the right time. yikes! and as for the bell-ball, it will be retired at bedtime tonight. after i brush and floss and love every single one of my 32 pearly whites.

in light and in shadows of the soul

isn't it amazing how miserable people have the uncanny ability to suck every atom of joy out of your own life?

it is no secret that i have a miserable sister. (well, unless it is your first time here, and in that case, welcome!--fyi, my sister is a miserable jerk.) it may also not be a secret that i have a mom who is constantly struggling and therefore depressed. and depression is miserable.

and, for today it seems, i have a miserable boss. he is overwhelmed. i get it. but still, miserable.

and MAN. i am struggling to keep the sunshine of my soul burning bright. it feels impossible to dodge all of the thunderstormy clouds that the aforementioned are trying to infuse into my life.

dammit people, i want to smile!!

i have a song in my heart and a swing in my step!!

and if everyone doesn't buck up and deal with their crap, i am running home (well, driving...but running) and climbing into bed with my boys to drown myself in the happiness that is my life. and i will stay there as long as it takes (read: tuesday morning, when i have to get up for work). and i will not waver.

!

june is slipping away v.2

**this original post was written last night at 11:59pm...but it recorded it as being written friday at 9 something...so i thought it very confusing. apparently when you edit a post (ie delete the words and retype) it keeps the time/date stamp. ah, always learning...**

in one minute ,sunday, and this weekend as we know it, will be over.

how?!

oh weekend, you were so kind to us. so unassuming. so gentle and serene.

oh home, how you sheltered us from haze and heat. how you loved us in your all encompassing way.

oh heart, could you ever have imagined such effortless joy? such seamless beauty?

oh life, as always, when my arms threaten to throw themselves up in exasperation, you are calming me. providing me with moments that fill me with such happiness.

the ever balance. the give and the take.

the juxtaposition and the constant education of what it means to be. and how that being is everything.

emily b and the...

perhaps my name should be alexander. (except that might be weird seeing as i'm a girl and all...)

oh, the humanity! today is terrible.

it started when, at 2:30am the house phone rang. it was a name and number i didn't know so i didn't answer it. but my heart was pounding. hard. and i think i sweated a little. i hate wrong-number-phone-calls in the middle of the night. they creep me out.

(other things that creep me out: koi fish, ivy, grasshoppers. bleck)

then, at 4:30am, sammy found a plastic bag he just had to lick and bite on. enough so that it woke me up, causing me to find that silly orange boy and his newfound toy to try to put it somewhere (anywhere!) that he couldn't get to.

then, at 7, my alarm went off.

the horror!!

then, and now (i suppose), i was/am stuck in this teeny tiny office with all members of my immediate family (read: mom and sister). both of whom are driving me to consider illegal drug use. fear not, i am a drug-hater. but maybe a stiff drink. i'm desperate...

also, ben is away. and not that i can't manage. i can. and not that i can't be alone. i can. (i hate it...but i can.) but when everything else is so crappy, he sure does level out the playing field that is my life. and when previously mentioned phone call happened, he would have been comforting. and i would have felt safe. instead, i spent 1/2 an hour convincing myself that it wasn't a stalker or someone calling from outside our house.

(have i mentioned before that i think i have a paranoia problem?)

my dream day would consist of the following:

-a break from my family (read: mom & sis)
-los al target (the premiere target in all of the world)
-maybe buying something crazy on etsy
-popcorn for dinner and chocolate pudding for dessert
-snuggling with my boys
-it actually being thursday so i wouldn't have to spend another night alone...

(if i get another random call in the middle of the night tonight, i swear i'm gonna lose it, you guys.)

one hundred

can it be?

can it really be?!

99 posts ago i was shyly saying hello, finding my way in this crazy blogging world.

and now, here i am.

thinking i'm awesome :)

but really, you're the awesome one. you, reading this for the hundredth time or the first. you, leaving comments and making my day. you, allowing me to just talk, write, be.

so thank you. any and all readers. thank you for sticking with me. i promise the next hundred will be even more fun, entertaining, insightful. i promise more pictures. more poetry. more peyton (in the fall, of course).

i won't let down a single one of you.

xoxo,
emily b.

we two

i have been crazy in love these past few weeks. it is clearly at the point of ridiculousness. but i have no shame. i am so freakin lucky it blows my mind.

what a pair of goofballs we are :)

this week of days

hasn't this been the longest week ever? i feel like every word out of my mouth has culminated into a big, eternal "ugh." each day stretches on for weeks. and this week has stretched on for the better part of the year.

or does it just feel that way?

there is something nice about the boss being away. the phones don't ring. there is plenty of time to focus. and yet. focus is exactly what i can't seem to be able to do. i have my work all lined up in front of me. my visual checklist. i even have a literal checklist. and yet. here i am. whining about the conundrum that is this week.

let's see. what am i busy thinking about so i don't feel trapped in the confines of space and time that make up the black hole that is this week?

1. my sweetest love. oh, that husband of mine. i daydream about him all day and then when we get home from work it is like heaven on earth. last night his charming self got me right out of my bad, frustrated mood. this is a man that i miss as soon as he steps out the door. and he can never get home soon enough. i am so lucky it hurts, aches deep in my bones. oh, that husband of mine...

2. is there anything else? i'm blanking.

now back to work.

it isn't even 2:00 yet.

holy crap...

this one is about me wearing grown-up clothes

since i was 14 i have donned jeans and sweatshirts almost exclusively.

what? it's not a crime...

of course i can dress up for occasions. i know what's appropriate. but oh how i daydream about wearing jeans and a sweatshirt. and, if i'm in a particularly bad state, oh how i daydream about sweats. pure and simple.

(once, i went to a dressy event and brought along sweatpants in the car so that i could put them on for the car ride home. i mean, sometimes you just cannot wait.)

this last sunday saw us at a client's 90th birthday party. the night before we went shopping and i found a pair of white linen-y wide-leg pants. i thought, these will look terrible. i thought, but i should try them on anyway. i thought, these are cute. so i tried them on and ben loved them. i did a lot of shoulder shrugging.

(DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO LOOK AT YOUR LEGS IN WIDE-LEG PANTS AFTER A LIFETIME OF SEEING THEM IN JEANS??! IT'S IMPOSSIBLE!!)

but i bought them. mostly because ben has great taste (hello, look who he married! jk). but really. he has great taste. and if he says they look good. then by golly.

so i wear them to this party in pv. (did i mention it was at the home of the director of the bold & the beautiful? oh i didn't? hm.) it was at the home of the director of the bold & the beautiful. the soap we watch exclusively at lunch here at work. 5 days a week. every week. without fail. uj has been watching this show since day 1. it was awesome.

SO.

i wear them to this party. the pants are a hit. by that i mean i got compliments from strangers. and slowly my love for the pants grew.

here's the deal.

i am 28. i get carded everywhere. i get funny looks even after being carded. i am asked if i am in high school. sometimes, when i'm lucky, i am asked if i am in college. these things happen without fail. and much to my exasperation.

but.

i think i actually looked as close to 28 as i ever will, thanks to those pants. and my sassy wedges. and my sassy top from target with the little teardrop hole thingy in the back. (i know!!) and really, poor ben, all these years. i mean, who wants people to think their wife is in high school?! although maybe high-schoolers should stop looking like 28 year olds...?

an.yw.ho.

i was like a real life big girl yesterday. it was a bit crazy.

(in other news, we got invited by said director to the set of b&b to watch them film) (silent screaming) (do you think i have too much pride to beg kkl to take a picture with me?? oh hell-to-the-no.)

on frenemies

here are the rules:

you must first read nat the fat rat's blog entry, frenemies. then, come back and read this. it was meant to be a simple comment but the more i thought about it the more i realized i had too much to say for a mere comment section. and nobody likes a blowhard. so, i figured i'd post my response here.

before i begin, i must tell you that reading natalie's blog is like therapy. basically what i am saying is read it! it will make you laugh. it will restore your faith in humanity. it will make you feel like you are not alone in the world. all of these things i promise you.

ok.

where was i.

it seems in the past 6 months i have been repeatedly reminded to be thankful for what i have. and, at the same time, to refocus on what i have, instead of what i want. it seems so much easier to want. to want more. better. different. i feel this affects most everybody. i think it's a daily battle to refocus. most days i lose that battle but lately i've been trying to win it.

first. i saw a news story about a man who got a face transplant. i mean really, what better proof exists that there are miracles. it blew me away. during the story they showed pictures of the man before the surgery. he had no nose. he had only a hole in his face. (he had been hit by an electric rail car.) my whole life i have hated my nose. full on, full-fledged, hatred. in an instant, i thought, thank god i have my nose. regardless of what it looks like. i have a nose. and it's mine. in a way that may seem dramatic but i swear it wasn't, i felt like my life changed a little bit.

second. i read about a woman who had a staph infection that turned septic and, after a series of events (including the birth of her daughter), she lost both of her legs and one of her arms. (the time spacing between the news story and this was maybe two weeks.) lately i have been hating on my body. it doesn't seem to be doing what i want. i've been lazy and putting on weight and, in my upset-ness over this, binging on cheese. but all of a sudden i looked down at my legs (legs i have never loved) and thought, i have my legs. i felt silly and ashamed for hating legs that had never done me wrong. healthy legs. and, after some sun, nicely tanned legs. so they aren't the shape i'd like them to be. benny likes them. is there better criteria?

then. i happened upon a friend's facebook page. one of their 'groups' they belonged to was about a woman who had had a difficult pregnancy (the last four months of which were bedrest) and who was about to see her child for the first time, got out of bed to be wheeled in to see her daughter, and died. she had developed a blood clot that travelled to her brain and it killed her instantly. the story brought me to tears. how could it not? i immediately thought about how much i want children. but at what cost? i immediately told benny i'd rather have my life and be with him than have children. i'm not sure if that's selfish but it made me realize how full and happy my life is without children. i mean, i would love to create, carry and birth a child. but i love my husband and our life more than anything else. even those things i cannot comprehend.

i know the last one isn't exactly body-related but it really caused me to refocus on what i have versus what i may feel is missing in my life.

i have my good health, a wonderful loving handsome husband, our beautiful home that renews me each time i step inside. i have a body that is all mine. that is perfect regardless of if i see it that way (i'm trying). i have a family (blood and otherwise) that loves me. that supports me. friends who are my second family. i have a steady job. i have words, music, old cameras, and, of course, cheese :)

there are so many days where this is not my focus. i am trying to be better about this. better about being hard on myself. better about wondering why i'm not getting what i am wishing for. i know that my life is following its path. so far, i cannot complain.

we see what lies ahead by living through each day. i will try my hardest not to take any of the moments along the way for granted. i will succeed. and i will fail.

such is life.

xoxo

oh me oh my

how i had wanted to blog this past weekend.

how i had wanted to blog last night.

but the weekend went like this: saturday=friends all day long, sunday=watched golf, laid around, watched basketball. weekend=computer not turned on once.

and yesterday went like this: benny calls me at 3 to tell me he's coming home sick, i get home around 5 to find my handsome man looking pale and writhing in pain. at 2 am his fever finally arrived and by morning he was feeling a bit better. also, during the entire day, i had the hugest headache known to myself. headache=eyes watering, chills, etc.

thank god today was nothing like yesterday!! (for either of us. benny seems to be on the mend and i woke up (after 12 & some odd hours of tenuous sleep) feeling much better.

yay!!

so, here we are.

hello friends :)

things i have been daydreaming about:

1. framing pictures and decorating our bedroom (it's been over a year...i think it's time). i spent much of sunday vigorously flipping through old domino magazines looking for walls covered in framed pictures. something to model our walls after. but came up empty. i know. how is that possible? well, it happened. and i felt a bit lost. what do you think? are you for random frames arranged in a collage-like fashion? or do you prefer picture ledges with frames of all types and sized lined up?

2. buying new towels for our bathroom. right now we're sporting lovely lightish green towels along with a green & cream rug. but my ever-stylish husb has brought thoughts of dark brown towels and matching rug into my life. how had i not thought of that?? so i feel the magnetic, life-altering pull of los al's target. i hope to have graced its aisles by week's end.

things i have been pondering:

1. fish eggs. have you ever eaten them? are you, dear reader, a woman? if so, and if so, has it ever creeped you out? we went to sushi while we were in hawaii (my mouth is watering just thinking about thinking about it) and got a roll covered in these little orange beads. teeny orange beads, really. they were called something. not roe. not anything that sounded like they were eggs but they were. and they popped between my teeth. i mean, they were really quite interesting. but. it felt odd. eating something that was like something that my own body created and contained. (is that gross? i'm sorry...) but i'm wondering if i'm the only one. i mean, i'm pretty sure i don't want to eat fish eggs ever again. and i don't like regular (read chicken) eggs anyway. (although i don't think of them in the same category. possibly because they are different enough to not be creepy.) let me know if and how this has impacted your life.

2. how much "stuff" one really needs in one's life. we have a ton of stuff. an attic-full. it is possible that this coming weekend will entail cleaning out the attic. i mean, i'm pretty sure most of what is being stored is stuff we want to keep. or want. but there is a lot of excess. of course.

3. why did i love the star trek movie so much?! seriously, we may have to own it. (oh what, you know you guiltily loved it too...it was exciting!!)


that's all i've got, folks. check back soon.

things i am not ok with but have no control over (this one involves cursing)

-the weekend is over (eff!!)
-my sister is a bitch (ok, it's no news-flash but hot damn is it annoying. especially given the following.)
-something is wrong with my mom and the dr can't see her so recommended the er. um, yeah. like my mom is going to sit in the er for however-many-hours so that she can have an x-ray that the dr could have prescribed in the first place. (this one is making me most angry)
-said mom is being an incredibly whiny baby which makes even the hardest situation ten times harder...
-ben and i are like twenty miles apart all day (c'mon 5:30)