while my benny is away

i went to work
i worked my buns off
i left work
came home
changed into comfy clothes
and embarked on my journey of massage therapy
and acupressure
i got a 3 hour massage tonight
it was heavenly
oh, and it hurt like the dickens
but now
oh now
i feel like i could cartwheel across the atlantic

so i came home
made a yummy dinner
and crawled into bed with my boys
downloaded some new tunes onto my ipod
facebooked (but just a little)
and watched the lakers beat the jazz

when ben is away i turn most of the lights on in the house
and i also have the tv on every second that i'm awake
this is so my paranoid ears don't hear anything
and, if they do,
i can look around and easily see that it was all in my head
paranoia is the pits

tomorrow i will
hopefully
finish 95% of my remaining work
have dinner with my ma
come home
do laundry
wash the last of the dishes
and jump up and down when my benny gets home
and then

who cares?
oh, of course life goes on
but i'm saving up all of my hugs for my husb
and they will be dispensed with much vigor

ok ok, and then sleep
then wednesday
then MAUI!!

i am a bit worried about leaving the boys for so long...is that normal? i think i'm sure they'll be fine. but...i'll miss my cuddly monkeys. and their funny faces. and their sweet talking.

holy crap. i just heard the SCARIEST noise outside. i'm going to sleep and turning up the tv (most possibly in the opposite order) before i freak out anymore.

oh good, dhani is on. that makes for fun television.

goodnight, my lovelies.

this one is about the double-edged sword that is regret

i work across the street from my high school. or, at least it was my high school 11-15 years ago. from my desk i can see students shuffling around. from class to class. from class to their cars. or just partaking in the general meandering of high school. do you remember that meandering? i sure do. it's the meandering of having a bathroom pass and not quite being ready to get back to class. the meandering of youth.

i think i remember those years. although i'm sure i don't. i remember blips. small pictures of that life. but i don't understand the me from those days. why i was who i was. why i wasn't who i wanted to be. was it really that hard? *sigh*

around 4 i glanced over and saw cheerleaders flipping around in the distance. back and forth. handsprings. cartwheels. flips without hands (do they have a name?). it is hard to know i wanted that then. that life. i tried out for cheer at the end of 8th grade but wasn't a great tumbler. and i was pretty much super dorky. and that is an understatement. but who knows why i didn't make it. i'm gonna guess the latter. but the weirdest part is that i still want that life. not to be forever 15. (shudder) but to be able to will my body to fly around. to cheer until my voice goes hoarse. and at the same time, it's so not my crowd. can you imagine me surrounded by air-heady blondes with huge fake boobs? oh goodness.

just give me the gymnastics. that'll tide me over.

but now, at 28, i wouldn't change anything about my life. had i been on cheer, i would be a completely different person. with a completely different life. i mean, there are a bazillion (to the 20th power) outcomes. and i don't want any of them except the one that i have.

so i've been trying to wrap my head around being happy about my past because each moment of it has created my present. but watching those happy and beautiful and limber girls flipping and cheering and being popular and having what i wanted so badly...

regretting is so pointless. there is no going back. no undoing. no redoing. there is only now. today and tomorrow. if i'm lucky. and if i ever want something so badly as i wanted to be a cheerleader, i know that it isn't going to come to me...i'll have to get off of my butt and make it happen for myself.

*experience is what you get when you don't get what you want*

this has been my mantra lately. i would like to learn from my mistakes without looking back and regretting them. know that each and every moment of my life is what it is for a specific reason. and that i am, and have been, in control. so i will continue to want. but i will strive to only learn from that wanting. and the getting and the not-getting alike.

this one is about having all kinds of things to think about

i left work thinking...do i go to golden spoon or target? i wanted that frozen yogurt so badly i could taste it but...i also really wanted these cute t's that were on sale.

so i went for the t's.

i like to build up my golden spoon craving until it is unbearable and requires a good binge session. and hopefully on that fateful day they have raspberry. holy good gracious...

so i went for the t's. i got pink, navy, white and brown. each has an adorable print on it. my fav at the moment is the brown with a neighborhood print on it. -close second, the white with navy sailboats sailing along the bottom.-

i also got some cotton skirts while at taaaaayr-git. (ever see kristen wiig do the target lady on snl? oh my favorite.) i am so excited about our trip to maui. i can't believe it's coming up so quickly...

when ben and i were planning our vacation we couldn't decide which island. what kind of trip we wanted. did we want to feel secluded or amongst the crowd? did we want nightlife? did we want a hotel room? a condo? ocean front? ocean view? a place we'd been or a completely new experience?

*sigh*

sometimes there are too many options. but eventually, narrowing down priorities, we decided on maui. when we first went together in may 2005 it was the most romantic trip ever. e.v.e.r. i don't think it was even matched by our honeymoon. but we didn't have the boys yet. i wasn't in school yet. and we'd just moved in together a couple of months earlier. speaking of our honeymoon, we went to maui for the last 5 days of that trip as well. but it seemed so different. it was HOT. way hotter there in august than may. and it was stressful. is that weird? everything just seemed so abruptly left behind when we left our wedding reception and were on our way to the hotel, then the airport, then kauai, then maui. and getting the boys to ben's mom's was also incredibly stressful. by the end of the trip i wanted to get back to my life. back to my boys. back to normalcy...

*sigh*

this time the boys get to stay in their own home. we won't be worried about where our marriage certificate is or who has it or was it sent in. we won't be constantly daydreaming about all of the beautifully wrapped presents just begging to be opened. (ok, maybe that was just me...) this time we'll have been married almost 3 years. (yay!)

i am excited. through and through. and not just because i have a super cute tote. or some new shirts and skirts. although it doesn't hurt to be fashionably ready.. :)

i am going to have 9 days of just me and my husby...the waves crashing...the breeze...some cold drinks...and the sun gently caressing my arctic-white skin.

romance, eden, healthy glow.... here. i. come.

this one is about how everything works itself out

my sister decided, last minute, that she would not come into work today.









how can anyone not believe in god??

:)

decisions and dilemmas

today at 5 it was over. three and a half months culminating into an ocean's eleven type of exit. only there were 3 of us. and we hadn't just made off with a bunch of cash. and...

well, that could go on forever.

but on the way out, uj (my boss) says, "you should take tomorrow off. or at least take time off to have lunch with ben. relax."

he said this because earlier in the day i told him i wanted to work tomorrow. the day after the 15th is always the quietest and most peaceful day of the year. all of the ravenous, animal-like clients are satiated. the phone doesn't ring. the door doesn't buzz. it's the best kind of day to catch up on everything that has been pushed aside.

he also knows i've been a bit of a stress-case lately. i have been known to answer questions with a brash tone. known to eye-roll. and sigh. my light at the end of the tunnel was going into work on thursday to an empty office. just me against the accounting world. "watch out bank statements, i am going to reconcile you like nobody's business!!"

but.

then i found out that i would not be at work alone.

because, of course, my sister would be coming in.

to do what? i really don't know. chat. or something else meaningless and totally worth her hourly wage. hmph.

so now i don't know what to do. if i go into work, (on the one hand, if you will) i have the potential to get a lot of work done. work that i have less than two weeks to get done. BUT. and it's a big but. like the biggest. on the other hand, i will be so angry for most of the day just at the mere sight of said sister that it will paralyze my brain. because she is there earning money for doing nothing.

how do i know this?

welcome to my everyday.

so i have told myself that if i stay home i could get so much done around the house. things i've wanted to do but never had the time. like put dishes away. and make cards. and write poems. but (a little bit of a smaller but) i could also, very easily, sit slumpily in bed all day and turn into a zombie.

if i work, maybe i can buy myself some fun things on etsy.

but if i don't work, then i can be a normal happy person for a whole day.

and yet, if i work, i will be depleting my 'inbox,' if you will. (since i don't really have an inbox. at all.)

therefore, and in part, if i don't work, i can have the kind of day off that would give me the energy and excitement that would make me want to be at work badly enough to ignore my sister's terrible work ethic.

see?

i could do this all day. actually, i have been doing this all day. to work or not to work. i've got quite an extensive monologue going...

and yet i'm pretty sure i'll go in tomorrow. mostly because ben can't take the day off with me. if he could, this would be a no-brainer. alas. i will plan on compromising. i will sleep in a bit. pet the boys without feeling like i have to rush out the door. do i dare plan to straighten my hair?

oh, i mustn't.

more adventures in working with the world's worst employee

this was the task that lay before me

on thursday i filed about 160 folders. it took about 2 hours. said folder-filing is my sister's job. especially during tax season.

let me further explain.

during tax season, my sister actually has work to do. (as opposed to the other 8 months of the year when she has, oh, nothing to do.) during tax season, her two jobs are as follows: assemble tax returns and file the client folders once their returns have been signed and picked up/sent.

what i have failed to realize (sarcasm? lilbit.) is that she also believes she has two jobs to do: one being the assembling, the other being socializing.

who knew.

so, when i kindly asked her to make time each day to keep up with filing (160 folders do not magically appear overnight) she informed me that she didn't have enough time to file.

hm.

so, when she left i alphabetized and filed. and i let the boss know that i was doing that. so he could know, even though he'd never do anything about it, that she is seriously falling behind in the time management dept.

and i like alphabetizing. and i like filing. i mean, not more than i like frozen yogurt. but, it's not like i needed to drink away my sorrows afterward.

it was all i could do not to keel over laughing when she told me she was too busy to file. i kept thinking, you have time to chat, myspace, AND text. but not file.

rough life.

in other news, it is a romantically cloudy day outside and i am enjoying every minute of it from the warmth of my home. in pajamas. in love. i'm going to make some belated easter cards today (why can i never plan ahead?!) and drink some wine (later this afternoon...not for breakfast...don't worry). part of me wants to be a recluse on the weekends and the other part wants to be surrounded by friends. every weekend i feel the same pull in different directions. oh, what to do.

i got some new stamps and inkpads and am going to have a mini-party making cards for my friends. if you want to join me, give me a call! :)

(p.s. is there anything better than new stamps and new inkpads in the prettiest colors you've ever seen? i am excited...in, possibly, the dorkiest way ever.)

what today holds

i'm driving behind a car this morning and the license plate frame reads:

happiness is lawn bowling

so true, right?

it also happens that i'm listening to ray lamontagne on my way to work this morning.

he is so freakin groovy. i feel it impossible to listen to his music and not feel like my soul is made up of sunshine. groovy sunshine.

also on my playlist this morning was phoenix's single 'lisztomania.'

i am in love.

i have allowed myself no amount of playcount shame today. i listened to lisztomania three whole times on my way home. (i think this is a huge step in my recovery process.)

also, i got a ridiculously painful papercut today. ok, make that a manilafoldercut. on. my. fingerTIP. have you ever had a papercut ache? BUT. that's not the important part. (don't tell my finger that i said that.) when ben got home i showed him the damage and gave my best dramatic re-enactment. again, not the important part. here it is: he didn't scoff or make fun of me. he acted as if my tiny little cut mattered. even though he knew i was being silly. and melodramatic.

THAT was the important part.

an.y.who

what tomorrow holds...

seder. i am a bit nonplussed about the whole thing. no, i don't think nonplussed was the right word there...

it is hard to go through the motions when there is no connection. no real desire for a connection. i don't know. it's like, why are we sitting around starving and sipping wine for 3 hours (ok, it just feels like 3 hours) and saying the same things we said last year? and the year before. and... i don't know. does anyone really feel deep down like they connect with what's being said? like they have any inkling of an idea what slavery is like? oh, i know i know some people do. i just...feel nothing. (insert song from 'chorus line.') i guess i will focus on my favorite part which is where we all say, 'next year in jerusalem.' i try to work that line in all year round so when it's passover, and like official, i snicker a bit.

hey baby, i had so much fun on our date tonight...next year in jerusalem.

you get the idea.

and, if i'm lucky, i'll get to hold my husband's hand under the table. that is always my favorite part.

bar none.

this thursday full of cozy weather

in between my furious ten-key inputting i stared longingly at the gray day outside.

there is something about a gray day that calls to me. it says, "get home already! get in your pajamas!" and i say, "i wish! it's tax season!"

and there goes that conversation :)

but all is not lost. work was good today. i felt like i was on a roll of sorts. knocking down tasks like nobody's business. it felt good. maybe i should qualify this...

there isn't much in this world that i love more (in the non-living-creature-category) than bowls and pajama pants. BUT. there is one thing. and that one thing is typing.

i loooooove typing. whenever i have a task at work that means i have to retype something i get almost giddy. ok. not almost. i love the fluidity of my fingers on the keys. it's so soothing. and i like to test myself. type whole paragraphs without looking. and i had a 4 page document i had to type up. and i loved every second of it.

these are the things i lust after. it's seeming pretty sad at the moment...

in other news, tiggy is asleep on my legs (well, my knees to be exact. not comfortable but what is a mother to do), sammy is asleep at my feet, and benny is asleep about one foot from me.

seems like everyone's got the right idea but me.

g'night, friends...