all of this waiting

and all for banana bread. let's see. i screwed up kraft mac n cheese last week. (possible? oh, quite.) and tonight i waaaaaaay (like way) undercooked my banana bread. thank goodness ben wanted a piece and i went to cut it and it was like, "oh hi, i'm banana bread. i LOOK like i'm all brown and cooked through but wait! i'm not! i'm super uncooked! yippee!!" at which point i unhappily placed said bread's loaf pan back and waited another 15 minutes. nope. still not done. and another 10 minutes. i have been making banana bread (this recipe) for, OH, 15 solid years. apparently just a blip on the radar screen of the kitchen gods because they were laughing their...well, they were just laughing at me. loudly. i have never encountered a loaf that took an additional 25 minutes to cook.

apparently there is a first time for everything.

i don't know, kitchen gods. i feel like i try so hard. i want to be amazing in the kitchen. i want to glide around throwing ingredients this way and that. i want to create. how will i ever parent if i can't even make a nice batch of mac n cheese with my eyes closed? from the box, nonetheless!?!? it seems an unforgiving situation.

any tips or pointers?? i'm desperate, y'all. (p.s. i only say y'all on here. i have never actually spoken the word. not even in jest. is that weird? poor californians...their accented words consist of 'brah' and 'dude.' which mean the same thing. *sigh*)

in other news, my bad mood seems to have lifted. which is awesome. because now i can be normal again. and understand and be understood. simultaneously! perhaps each set of gods gets a shot at someone. like the mood gods were having their fun with me this past weekend. now the kitchen gods have taken over. and it wouldn't be fair for two sets of gods to set their sights on an unwitting victim. would it? (what does unwitting mean??)

my goals:
1. transform into giada delaurentiis.
2. start spending more time with my dictionary.
3. ...what else is there? :)

goodnight to my friends all over the world tonight. may your dreams be as those of the happiest children. and may all your christmases be white...(ok, so i gave up on that last one...)


zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

crappy crap crap

i am having a crappy day. full of grumpiness and all-around blah-ness. how come bad moods are made worse by people? people are like fuel to the fire that is my bad mood. i don't know.

maybe it's because today is one of those days where i feel like i'm speaking an entirely different language than everyone else. i say 'yes' or 'no' and everyone hears 'gaosignwegaew' or 'ncuaieg.' (even in alien speak 'no' begins with n. i didn't know that before today..)

it's just frustrating. i'm not even communicating well with my own self today. part of me is content sitting here on the bed, typing, listening to birds and the breeze. the other part of me is like, what the f, get up and do the dishes, look at the mess that you are living in.

(and a small part of me says, "technically it is 'look at the mess in which you are living.')

part of me is sick of always doing. the other part is consumed with said doing.

and this is what's left.

i DID get a new tote/purse from target yesterday and i suppose that is helping my mood in a very slight way. but barely. and i AM in love with my new wedges (shoot, there's no link...well, they're just super cute) that i got from nordstrom. and i DO love my new little stamps from mayberry sparrow. my fav is the chubby raindrop. a close second is the baby gnome. well, duh.

ok, so it's possible to cheer up a bit. but.

but.

but i'm so restless.

and i'm really angry. deep down. well, today at least. angry about nothing. which is making me even angrier. i mean, at least be angry about something pin-pointable.

see? it's the kind of day best slept off. instead i'll get up and do the dishes. because, lord knows, they don't do themselves.

random signs that there is a god

it is such a beautiful day out. the wind is dancing amongst all of our neighborhood trees. we have a nest of baby birds in one of the trees in our yard and they have been chirppy all day. on a day like today i am reminded with each cold gust of wind all that god is. (and before we go any further, i don't think god minds if i capitalize or not. we've talked about it and i'm pretty sure he has bigger fish to fry.)

sammy has been my constant companion all day. laying his warm body next to me, on my lap, etc whether i am sitting here in bed blogging or on the couch going through the coupons. he's usually so busy and scatter-brained that to get him to sit still for 5 minutes is unreal. but today he's just a cuddle-bug. and i get to reap in the benefits of how much heat all 14 lbs of him gives off.

i went to both target and trader joe's today. does it get any better than that??

at trader joe's i purchased their single most delectable item. havarti cheese. do you like cheese? do you like heaven? then you must try this cheese and i dare you to tell me it is not the single yummiest food ever. i tore a corner off (it comes in a big square chunk) and the minute i tasted it i thought, 'god does exist. and he is even in this cheese i am eating this very second.'

and just in case you needed proof that god has a sense of humor...yesterday ben and i were at bake n broil. if you are ever in long beach, go to bake n broil. every single thing they make is amazing. every. single. thing. so we are stuffing ourselves silly and i mention off-handedly (how else would i mention it?) that bake n broil makes bulimia seem like a good diet option because you can enjoy all of the sheer divinity that is the food and then get rid of it easily.

oh, of course i was kidding!

BUT. this morning. and i mean EARLY this morning. i woke up with a stomach ache unlike any other. and, to keep this short and sweet, had about an hour and a half long stomach flu. and as i walked out of the bathroom for the last time, i thought, 'well played, god. touche.' it was odd to feel so very close to him at a time like that. but who else?? i had to open my stupid mouth about throwing up and 12 hours later... (no pun intended. no really. no seriously. ok, maybe a little..)

so if you feel like peering into the window of my life today, it will look like this:

cats
cheese
husb
freshly folded laundry
peace
and
love

amen

a year ago, today

at about 5 o'clock ben and i met in our new driveway. keys in hand, we unlocked the front door for the first time. and walked into our new home.

*sigh*

i am still in love with our house. a year later. and hope to be for many years to come. if there were a secret video camera (i hope there isn't...yikes...) you'd see the look on my face at the end of each day. whether my day has been particularly horrible or wonderful, the minute i walk in the door i can't help but smile. i am home. i am happy.

dear house,
thank you for being my little piece of heaven.
i love every inch of you. (even if i daydream about remodeling your back porch...)
cheers to you. here's to all of the years and memories to come :)

love, your one and only lady resident

me vs playcount: round fourteen

the other night my husb and i are listening to music via airport express. (side note: airport express makes things like doing dishes and cleaning some of my favorite activities.) said husb decides he wants to watch tv, switches the receiver's mode, and proceeds watching tv.

this prompts a mini anxiety attack. on my part.

i jog (literally. i know. i wish i were exaggerating.) into the office to pause the music on itunes. and i swear to you i sighed. as if i had just saved the world.

ben finds this hysterically funny. apparently, he is not driven to have an incredibly accurate playcount. (how could this be?!)

isn't the first step admitting one has a problem? well, i'm admitting it. but riddle me this.

why would anyone want music playing silently on and on and on?? why would you want to have some random song's playcount be 15 if you've only heard it once??

(sigh.)

i have a feeling this is a losing battle, people...

on a related note, i have a new favorite song for this week.

the song is not new...nor is my liking it. but is the next (after 'lonely day') to be needed. to be yearned for.

my song recommendation for this week is 'all kinds of time,' by fountains of wayne. perhaps it is a sign that my soul is crying out for football season. or perhaps whenever i hear it i picture peyton (as in manning. is there another?) in slow motion. it is the kind of song that you replay right before it's over so that you can hear it multiple times without your ipod knowing. oh right. that's only me...

folks, give it a listen. it's the kind of song that makes me want to lie down in the grass and let the day pass over me like a whisper.

you heard me.

p.s.

dear peyton,
how are you doing during all of this 'march madness?'
i think it's trivial.
and boring.
i am counting the days until august...aren't you?
i am hoping that my jersey-wearing will bring more good luck to you
in the coming season...
also, you should listen to 'all kinds of time.'
i mentioned it above.
i don't know what kind of music you like, per se,
but it's about a quarterback so i don't think you can go wrong.
hang in there.
only about 165 days left until the season begins...

all of my best,
emily b.

erin go wha??

is there a color more appropriate?

i think not.

perhaps today is the day to tell you about where my education began. just perhaps. i was lucky enough to go to a non-denominational private school from pre through 4th grade. i loved it. every year and every second of it. after that, school sucked. ah, the golden years of enjoyable academia.

moving on.

in 2nd grade our classroom was a bit of a bungalow with large windows. on the st. patrick's day that fell during my 2nd grade year, my friends and i were all abuzz about our leprechaun friends. oh, you heard me. one could see hers on the blackboard's chalk holder, mine was on the bookshelf, etc etc. this went on all day. we'd cup our hands and say our leprechaun was in there but if we tried to show anyone they'd disappear. we'd pretend to soothe our leprechauns into sleep as they hid in our desks.

does life get any better? oh, saint patrick, you mysterious holiday-inspirer.

a.nywho.

it seems said leprechauns have visited me again for their usual bout of tomfoolery. this morning they distracted me so much i forgot to put on makeup. (GASP!) fear not, i made a special trip back home to 'put on my face.' but, to paint the whole picture, these tiny friends also swayed my wardrobe choice today and i feel like a piece of hubba bubba watermelon gum.

(don't act like you don't know exactly what i'm talking about...)

pink sweater, green tank.

i don't know what i was thinking...i'm pretty sure i wasn't.

but do i have a sweet tooth. hot damn.

sunday is hard to pin down, or, my very own odd weekend

do you ever feel as if you need to use courier? i mean, like there does not exist another font that can better express your feelings? courier and i have a thing. i don't know if it's healthy to need a particular font. but so be it.

this weekend was weird, y'all. i dunno.

friday night we saw joel mchale (of 'soup' fame) and it was awesome. his opener was chris porter who was hilarious. let me rephrase. hiLARious. joel mchale was also funny. he did a lot of stuff from the soup which..i dunno..seemed like a cop out of sorts. about half way through he started in with his own material and it was way way better than the soup stuff. although we watched 'the soup' when we got home and it was also funny. so, that's a big question mark...

but we did have awesome seats. (for the live stand-up. and i guess for the tv show back at home. duh.)

so that was friday.

on saturday, ben and i went to visit my grandma. we were her first visitors since she was moved into the valley view gardens. i was nervous. BUT. she was great. she looked good and acted happy. she seems to be making the most of the situation although i think that's because she doesn't really know what's going on (ie why she's there in the first place). BUT. she seems to be doing much better than we ever expected.

with all of that in mind, it was incredibly sad to see her there. does that make sense? it is possible she is one of the highest functioning people in the place. there were way more people in wheelchairs, hunched over, not able to feed themselves, not able to hold conversations. and this is her life now. this is her 'society.' in some ways it's harder than when she was at home and a total danger to herself. because now it's real. it has happened and continues to happen. and i wish it could be different and it can't.

and that, in a nutshell, was saturday.

oh, and we also had golden spoon for dinner. i know. that will make this next segment even harder to understand. well, except for the fact that they didn't have ANY of the flavors that i like. so perhaps that better explains the next bit...

anywh.o.

i was in a crappy mood this weekend. from beginning to end. why? who knows. it was that 'impossible to be happy' mood that comes from nowhere and sucks the life out of you. yeah, you know the one. i'm hoping it goes away. i can only apologize to ben so many times. 'it's not you, it's me.' i don't think that has ever been truer.

on a much more postive note, tiger is continuing to recover and is more himself every day. he actually jumped into the bathtub tonight and rolled around (for the first time since he's been sick). this is one of those indicators i was looking for and it is possible i feel a little more like myself now that tiggy is feeling more like himself. it will be refreshing to be at work tomorrow and not be worrying about him (as much) all day.

i almost believe that the act of worrying is the devil's handiwork.

who else would have invented such a stupid thing??

other stupid things of note: sunday nights. good. for. nothing...

and off in the distance

friday is so close. i can almost reach out and touch it...

what a freakin stupid week. for real.

i believe we are on the mending side of tiggy's illness. whatever the heck it was. only my secluded and sequestered cats would get weird illnesses. i would liken it to a cold. i think. there was some throwing up of food. some not eating. some runny eyes. some 'coughing.' some general discomfort. some lethargy.

now there is no throwing up. much more food eating. still runny eyes. no coughing. possibly general discomfort. possibly some waning lethargy. i am thinking that the more he eats, the less lethargic.

i am hoping, at least.

on the flip side of the mental and emotional exhaustion that accompanies an animal being sick and not being able to tell a human about it in words...

sammy has been sweeter than pie lately. bouncing off the walls wanting pets. purring. rolling around. who is this cat?? the past couple of mornings he has woken us up pre-alarms. one morning it was around 5. the next around 6. if only he knew how the laws of gravity are ten-fold whence i am asleep. lifting even part of my hand takes all of my strength.

'but i want pets, mama.'
(purrrrrrrrrrrrr)

i love my boys. but i am thorougly exhausted. which is why i'm up at 20 to 12 blogging instead of sleeping.

(so smart!)

but it's been a hectic few days. i have been worried about my chubby, little, gray boy. but he's fine. and on the mend. and i can't complain about my sammy being so lovey. who could complain about that??

at this very moment, i feel like this whole week i've been treading water. just so i don't go under. like, i feel ok but exhausted throughout every cell of my body. just maintaining is so much work. and if you'd ever seen me attempt to tread water (because lord knows i was not bestowed upon with the gifts of aquaticness) you would understand that by 'work' i mean impossible feats of the physical body.

like riding a bicycle? guffaw.

monday, monday

so good to me...

well, not really. and isn't it sunday, sunday? i will check...hm. seems it IS monday, monday by the mamas and the papas.

why aren't there band names like this anymore? heaven forbid. now every band name has to be like made up or something. the yeah yeah yeahs. for serious? ugh. (side note: no offense to the aforementioned band. just an easy example.)

a.nywho. monday was pretty sucky. it consisted of me being exhausted for no reason and cranky because of said exhaustion. so how does one go about remedying such a situation? well, i decided that it would be grand to get off of work, go grocery shopping, and then work out for 1/2 hour. (snoring noises) who remedies tiredness by doing more work?? you're lookin at her... goodness.

but now here i am. it's already after 11! and i just wanted to drop a short note before nodding off because there was a small shining moment in my day today.

i had to call my cousin because he is also a client where i work. (p.s. we have no relationship whatsoever. so it wasn't a cutsie call or anything like that.) i had to relay a message between my boss and my cousin. so his daughter answers the phone (she's 11ish?) and here is what ensues:

me: who is this?
sarah: this is sarah.
me: hi sarah, this is emily. you were at my wedding.
sarah: oh! i remember you! you're really pretty...
me: thank you! i think you're really pretty too.
sarah: thanks...

the whole 'you were at my wedding' thing was only because i couldn't think quickly enough what we were to each other. second cousins? and that would have sounded weird. hey there, this is your second cousin calling. i dunno. it just turned out to be the sweetest moment. one that made me smile every time i thought about it throughout the day. and even now :)

let's see. what else?

my grandma seems to be doing pretty well in her new surroundings. apparently she is participating in the daily activities. she does ask someone several times a day, every day, when her ride is coming to pick her up. we have been advised to wait to see her until that stops. otherwise, it is just going to be upsetting to go there if she is thinking it's her ride home. i hope that ends soon because i'd really like to go and see her... but she is eating, making friends, and is involved in arts & crafts. so i don't think it could be going any better.

OH!

how could i forget!!? ben and i drove up to the ramos' to meet their newest little boy, joseph charles, and to reunite with 'the gang' (our band of friends) who we hadn't seen in about a month or so. seriously guys, lauren and ricky make the CUTEST babies. charlie is too cute for mere words. just holding that warm, chubby baby is pure joy. there's nothin like it.

if i had a pic, i would attach it here. hopefully we'll get some pictures of that adorable boy and i'll post one. because y'all are gonna fall in love. for serious.

p.s. zach adam. you are awesome. and i really do want to see taken. we will add it to our queue. i will let you know how that goes :)

trouble, right here in river city

earlier this week ben and i watched 'iron man' which was, to my surprise, incredibly good. it was the kind of movie that sets a standard. again, surprisingly.

then, later in the week, we watched 'transformers.' this was after being told by ben's brother, we'll call him "zachary," that it was an awesome movie.

zach. you are in huge trouble.

while we were watching 'transformers,' all i could think of doing was blogging about how i might just have to take a picture of my very menacing squinty eyes and post it on here with a note. the note would read thusly:

zach adam. this movie blows. grrrr.

the note would utilize your middle name only to emphasize the already menacing eye photo. (and because i secretly love calling you zach adam. i think it's fun.) but back to my very angry and unfriendly point.

any movie in which any character says, "and you'll erase her juvy record. like forever." is "no bueno" as we say here so close to the border.

let me also say that i KNOW the special effects were awesome. i know. BUT. dialogue = sucky. storyline = boring. please know that i know the fault is at the hands of the writers (what, are they 12?). i am in no way faulting you, my dearest and youngest brother :) BUT. you get the squinty-menace eyes anyway.

you are lucky, however. as the mere fact that josh duhamel was kinda sorta in the movie saved you like no other. (should i insert a picture of me drooling? goodness gracious.) (btw, what was the point of him being married with a kid? did that ever go anywhere? or am i just jealous?)

any. who. you know i love you, little bro. and i hope you will still recommend movies to us in the future. but know i might have something to say about it once said recommended movie is watched :)

xoxo,
em

p.s. i totally had the transformer that was a semi and i think i had one that was a plane...it was only like 20-some years ago so i can't be positive but...they were my favorite toys ever. well, second maybe to my thundercats figurines...

my day is made

perhaps i have not elaborated on how much i love my boys. perhaps i have not explained that 'my boys' are my two cats. perhaps i should shut up and let them speak for themselves.


seriously, try to look at this and not laugh.

world, i present you with my sweet boys, sammy (orange) and tiggy (gray).

let me paint a picture:

when either ben or i are within 20 paces of the bathroom, a deep rumble slowly builds (he's 13 solid pounds, people) until tiggy runs past and into the tub.

then he rolls around to the point of ridiculousness while one or the other or both of us pet him wildly.

then he jumps out and runs around the house.

tonight was special. not only was sammy in the tub (so random) but tiggy jumped in (ok, so i begged and pleaded and snapped and cooed). and snapped that shot.

then i laughed so hard that i almost fell over.

doggy-paddling in a sea of molasses

although that may sound a bit yummy, that is beside the point.

good god.

no matter what i have done today, i feel like i'm moving at a speed too slow to be recorded. too slow, perhaps, for others to even notice the movement at all.

i have eaten well. i have had much water to drink. i even got a nice, full, 8 hours of sleep.

it seems today i am destined to be exhausted. and on that same note, a terrible employee.

it is all i can do to keep my head up.

all i can do to not fall asleep while i drive the long and tortuous (i'm joking! i'm joking!) 2 miles home.

once home, i will attempt to work out for the 4th day in a row. i know. i feel like applauding, myself. but i have a feeling that, if my bedroom were a metaphor, it would be a kitchen. the bed would be the fridge, and i, a helpless magnet.

maybe a letter magnet. i have a feeling i know what letter i would be...

...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

this is a direct order

access some kind of music something.

download.
pirate.
actually walk into a real-life store and purchase a material thing.

i don't care.

get your hands on phantom planet's 'the guest.'

more specifically, get your hands on the song 'lonely day.' it is #3 on 'the guest.'

more specifically, listen to the last 90 seconds of the song. wherein mr. gorgeous-voice (well, i don't know his name but you'll know who i mean) sings 'lonely' in the background like 20 times.

i am in love, peeps.

how any song about having a lonely day could be so infectious. so fun. so catchy.

i have listened to it about. oh. 4 million times in the past 3 days. (although very rarely through to the last second. i'm trying to deal with my playcount issues but. to no avail.)

you will thank me :)

oh, and the rest of the cd is also awesome. a keeper, if you will.

the changing of the guards

february ended so sweetly and so did march begin. the transition was seamless. hidden amidst beautiful weather that lasted all weekend long. it was like early summer in late winter. well...winter by so cal standards. so, probably not like everyone else's winter weather. i don't know if i was sad to see february go. it went by entirely too quickly, complete with two trips out to the desert, ben's grandpa falling gravely ill (but then recovering, so that's good!), a visit from zach and angie (yay!) and a super bowl that did not involve mr. manning. hmm. i am indifferent.

so here is march. promising yet contradictory, even in these early moments. sunday was sunshiney and breezy. a wonderful combination. today (monday) was gray and randomly rainy. which i can appreciate as much as the former. but i wondered what else march had up her sleeve. i think this will be a very odd month.

on a much sadder note, it seems inevitable that my grandma will be moved into an assisted-living, dementia-care facility by weeks end. i don't know how to deal with this so at the moment i am hiding from it. busying my mind with other things. she will be incredibly unhappy and has no idea she will not be in her home this time next week. (of course, this isn't because we are cruel. this is because she is completely unwilling to have anyone come into her home and refuses any/all help. and cannot care for herself anymore. at all.) i feel like a chapter is closing. well, i guess a chapter is closing. or has closed. the grandma that i grew up loving and knowing and growing close to has disappeared, disintegrated into a stranger. and i am so incredibly sad and lost in feeling this way. i feel like her move is a small death. or a big death. and i have never had to grieve for someone who is still alive. so.

i know that march will compete with all of this with her budding, green leaves on the tips of all of our plants and her gorgeous sunsets. (tonight's was lavender when you looked straight up. then, as you looked toward the horizon it was deep purply gray with neon pink accents. amazing.)

in the meantime i will appreciate all of the youth that my body still holds. appreciate my ability to take care of myself and my family. appreciate the memories i have and all those waiting to be made.

and occasionally i will hug ben and hang on for a little bit longer and feel my jaw tighten and hold back tears. because nothing is forever. because our lives are so fleeting.

a preview of confessions: vol. 2

1. i am obsessed with bowls. whenever ben and i go shopping, i always find bowls i want to buy. currently, i am obsessed with anthropologie's latte bowls. they come in pretty colors. i mean, who knows if cookies and cream ice cream would taste better if i ate it in a pink bowl. or a turquoise one. or an orange one. or a yellow one... see?!

dear saturday, can you please last forever?

today was awesome.
amazing.
perfect.
etc.
and not even for any particular reason.
it was equal parts:
fun
relaxing
stress-free
romantic
which was made possible by:
benny
the boys
the gorgeous weather
wall-e
turkey burgers
and our home
complete with:
comfy bed
ping-pong table
and (thank you, mail lady)
the new crate & barrel catalog

it's always hard to fall asleep after days like today.
no, not just because we had a bit of a lengthy nap this afternoon.
but because the thought of today ending.
the thought of tomorrow beginning.
is a bit sad.
alas.
i know i am not the first or last to feel this way.
take it away mr. frost:

so dawn goes down to day,
nothing gold can stay.

(clapping)

picture this:
on my right sleeps my ridiculously gorgeous husband.
(you heard me)
on my left are BOTH cats, curled up and sleeping soundly.
and sooooo furry.
it is all i can do not to rub their bellies with all of my might.
and here i am in the middle.
every time i want to get up i have to crawl down the middle of the bed. and then back up the middle to get back in.
and each time i have to hold in my laughter.
i couldn't be happier about these sleeping arrangements.

other things of interest:
i had the best turkey burgers of my life today.
and with that.

goodnight world. goodnight friends. goodnight house. goodnight husby. goodnight boys. goodnight words. goodnight moon. goodnight stars.