emily b. vs stupid ad campaigns volume 2

this one is a doozy!!

the commercial is for clorox 2 color-safe bleach.

the commercial plays as follows.

scene. children playing in the park. (i didn't see this part.) so possibly playing soccer or some other team sport?
i also believe they are almost all boys. if not all boys. a big green van pulls up.

out of this van steps a grown man. he calls all of the kids over to his VAN and says something like, "take off your shirts, kids, and throw them in here." (points at van that also has a washing machine. so he can show how well the clorox 2 works. of course)

and scene.

REALLY!?!? A MAN IN A VAN AT A PARK SUMMONS A GROUP OF LITTLE BOYS OVER TO HIS VAN AND THEN ASKS THEM TO TAKE OFF ARTICLES OF CLOTHING???

a few of my brain cells actually jumped out of my ear after the commercial was over. but then my instant rebuttal made my brain cells reclaim some of their lost hope and they jumped back in. although, if i tilt my head too quickly, there is an odd rattle...

do i hear a dollar? a nickel? a penny?

as you may or may not know, my sister is the world's worst employee. in the history of living creatures on this planet. her idea of working is chatting online all day whilst at work. (hehehe, i love whilst.) this has been going on for some time. i know what you're thinking, she must not have work to do or else be so efficient that no one really notices.

to the contrary!

she has work piled up for weeks. there are boxes and boxes of filing. untouched. data entry. which will eventually be completed at about one entry per...i dunno...5 minutes. it took her two entire days to stuff and mail 400 envelopes. over 12 hours!!

for no other reason than she is chatting on aim aaaalllllll daaaaaay. SO. my mom totally called her out on it today.

AND IT WAS GLORIOUS!!!

i wasn't fortunate to be in the room when it happened but i was close enough to hear it. it went like this.

(sounds of furious chat-typing..you know the kind)

mom: what are you working on that has you typing so furiously?
ali: (after like 2 minutes of still typing but her stunned silence) i'm stuffing envelopes.
mom: are you chatting?
ali: yeah...IT'S NOT LIKE EMILY WORKS THE WHOLE TIME SHE'S HERE! IT'S NOT LIKE SHE'S NEVER ONLINE!! (caps because she was practically screaming at the top of her lungs)

and scene.

really? you want to compare? i'm pretty sure you don't...

i just think it's awesome that that is her only defense. how about, you're right, mom, i'm possibly the crappiest employee this world has ever seen. how about, i'm sorry, i should really be focusing on work instead of getting paid $60 a day to shoot the shit.

no, it makes much more sense to yell out comparisons that do not exist. and that is so like her. true to form. i mean, what kind of person would own up to their mistakes? what kind of person would realize that they're disrespecting and lying to their boss and co-workers/family? what kind of person takes resposibility for even 5% of their actions??

definitely not my sister.

so thank you, mom. for being ballsy. and for confronting ali so that i didn't feel like my head was going to explode anymore. and because she only chatted about 4 sentences worth the rest of the day. and that was pretty much amazing.

isn't there a shel silverstein poem about a sister for sale? heck, i'm tempted to leave her on the driveway for one of those charity pick-up trucks. but i'm pretty much sure that she'd still be there when i got home...

ali, get your f-ing s*#t together. sweet mother of mercy.

oh, sweet blog, how i've missed you (aka: highlights of this past week)

has it truly been so many days?? perhaps facebook really is sucking my brain out of my, well, face. i don't know. is there a better reason for being away so long? brain-sucking can get pretty serious...

a.ny.who. i've been pretty much a crabby patty lately. i've been equal parts nit-picky, shoulder-shruggy, and just plain negative. not really sure why either. it's one of those weird things where i'm actually hoping it's hormonal so it doesn't mean my brain is breaking.

(two brain mentions in one blog...does that mean i have brain...on the brain..? i am a riot...)

last thursday saw me reuniting with a bunch of mfa peeps whom i have missed and realized just how much when i saw them again. it was an evening of wonderful conversation, some recitations in other languages (thank you, dr. locklin), and just the warm and cozy feeling of suzanne's home. it is like a poet's paradise.

so then perhaps it started friday.

i slept terribly. i woke up early only to have the day ensue in a likewise (read terrible) fashion. there was much being asked of me. much multi-tasking. much craziness. of note, toward the end of the day i snapped at my boss. totally uncalled for. but i snapped. as did he in rebuttal. this was followed by quick but heartfelt apologies and a quiet rest of the afternoon. who yells at their boss?? (sigh)

then i had to drive up to torrance to have dinner with the fam. which i usually don't mind. but when ben called to ask me when i was coming up and i said, "i just have to go home and change and i'll be on my way," it was all i could do not to sob into the phone. i wanted to plead. and beg. just to get into bed and cry a bit, be cozy and lose myself in a good book.

alas.

then saturday saw lauren's baby shower and an ntma dinner. the shower was in this adorable home in claremont and it felt so good to be around all of my friends. it seemed to balance out all of the family time/business dinner stuff that was clouding my head. we chatted for a couple hours pre-shower and then sat around, ate, etc. i can't imagine anything more fun than having a baby shower. not that it is in my imminent future. but wherever it is in my future, i know it will be beyond compare in the awesome days of my life dept.

and then came the ntma dinner. which was really fine. but you know when you're just not in the mood? y'know, the kinda mood where you could easily bite your boss's head off? (sigh) so off we went. into a sea of "tell me what you do again" "it's so good to see you" "well it was great meeting you." my brain (that's time 3!) sounded like this all night:

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

i was exhausted...

BUT THEN.

OFF IN THE DISTANCE.

JUST BEYOND THAT FOGGY CORRIDOR.

(i just wanted to use corridor...i'm not even sure that makes any sense)

there was sunday. the day of rest! halle-freakin-lujah! and we rested. and we redecorated. and we shopped at crate and barrel. does it get better? i love me some serious c & b. (so come over! our house is super cute now...it kinda looks like we know what we're doing!)

and now it's today. soon to be tomorrow. this week i'm getting my hair cut. my request is that you comment with your vote:

long or short

i will tally the votes and take all suggestions into serious consideration. perhaps it will warrant before and after pics. or not. as i previously mentioned...not even paul mitchell...


p.s. benny, as you slept so sweetly, and as i began this semi-pointless and rambling blog, tiggy attempted to hump your leg. i'm pretty sure he mistook it for a pillow or just blankets. nevertheless, i pushed him away. i couldn't allow him to degrade you that way. well, without you even knowing, at least. but don't worry. he is sleeping on you this very second. i think he's already forgotten our shameful encounter :)

emily b. vs stupid ad campaigns

there are two commercials on the air right now that are so stupid that a few of my brain cells commit suicide everytime they're on tv.

1. carl's jr: "having three girlfriends is great..."
do you know this one? it is straight up retarded. i know, that's not a nice word. but i can't think of a better one right now...
the commercial is of this a-hole of a guy getting his car repainted because one of his three girlfriends found out about his other two girlfriends. basically, carl's jr is saying that cheating is awesome. and the idiot guy in the commercial makes me not want to eat at carl's jr for awhile. possibly the opposite of good advertising? who is this commercial targetting? my only guess is...douchebags. i can't think of any other kind of person who would enjoy this stupid ad. yeah, you heard me.
to counter this ad i have come up with my own, much more hilarious version. BUT. it isn't the kind of thing i want linked to my blog...i will just give you a hint of how it might go...
"having three girlfriends is AWESOME until you find out one of them is a tranny..." you can probably see where this is going.

2. heineken: "(i can't remember the exact quote)"
the jist is that where or whatever you are navigating, have a heineken in your hand. seriously?? so if you're navigating your car...you should have a heineken in your hand? what about a plane? a train? a school bus? f-in idiots. i can't imagine, in a room full of ad guys (and by guys i mean people of all genders, including aforementioned trannies), that NO ONE would think that equating drinking beer and navigating is the WORST idea in all of life. and i'm not even limiting that to life on earth. any life. anywhere in the universe. or beyond.
i almost want to do a 'really?!?' skit from snl.
"really heineken? really? you thought drinking any kind of alcoholic beverage would help navigation? really? you didn't stop to think that navigating most things is illegal while drinking beer? really? have you even ever seen drunk people? they can't even navigate their own bodies. really."

i'll be here all night, folks :)

in praise of my husb

my husband reads my blog everyday. well, at least every day that i have a new post. after he reads said new post, he always fills my head and spirit with compliments. he has never a disparaging word to say.

my husband took the trash out to the curb this morning. even though there wasn't much trash in there. and even though he could have been at work a bit sooner. and even though it was cold. (good god was it cold...ok, by california's standards.)

my husband and i have termed one another, 'favorite.' as in,'hey favorite, what time are you leaving work today?' or 'i miss you, favorite.' is there a better nickname ever??

my husband attempted to fix my crazy morning-hair as i woke from my dazed stupor to kiss him goodbye. not even paul mitchell himself could fix this hair in the early morning hours :)

perhaps i go on and on a bit too much about how in love i am or how lucky i am. but we live in a world where people get more attention for being nasty than nice. for being negative than positive. and i'm sure sometimes my blog makes you want to gag a little. i admit i gag a little sometimes at my own sappiness...if you can call it that. but. with all of the bad and ugly in our world, i am clinging to what makes me happiest in my own world.

and this morning it was the sight of our trash can, newly emptied by the city of long beach. and i swooned a bit.

good night, sunday

it has been a few days longer than i like it since my last post. perhaps because i have had very little to nothing to say. (and maybe a little more than perhaps.) but now it is sunday night, my husby's asleep, and i have already picked a font AND a font color. so here we go.

of note, we were lucky enough to meet up with the carvers on saturday for some casual wine tasting out in temecula. could it have been a prettier day? most likely not. it was gorgeous. like. drop dead gorgeous. sunny and warm and not a single speck of smog in sight. (apparently alliteration is in abundance...oh, i crack myself up.) so we wine tasted, talked, laughed, etc throughout the day. i felt my spirit was a bit renewed as both brian and jen are intelligent, witty people AND are a wonderful married couple. since stupidity is so rampant these days, intelligence is like diamonds. well, in a way. a less shiny, less tangible way. and, ok, intelligence is a super dorky accessory but i'm not going there. where was i...AND they are a wonderful couple who truly love each other. there are a few of those in the world. we are lucky to have one of these said couples as close friends.

let me explain, perhaps, why this is nicest. because after spending the day together, i don't have to go on and on and on about how miserable they are, or how wrong they are for each other, or how many problems they have. at the end of the day, i say things like, they are one of my favorite couples.

so thank you brian and jen, for allowing me peaceful moments when i think all is lost in the world of people who get married for terrible reasons. like maybe my friend who gave her boyfriend the rings and said, "ok, i'm ready." of course, she really meant it. she'd already bought her wedding dress like a year before. or something. or like people who settle. "well, i've been with you for x number of years so...i guess we should get married."

(oh, here it comes.)

here's the deal. get married because you are passionate. passionate about your soon-to-be-spouse. passionate about your lives joining together. passionate about working hard to make your marriage successful. because it is work. for me, it is the most rewarding work i can imagine. but it's work. and there will be a lot of head-shaking. and moderate amounts of yelling. i was reading in a magazine about how it is almost miraculous how two people can blend their lives together so that neither one's life is completely lost in the others. (does that make sense?) this is how i like to think of it. i met ben when i was 22 and he was 21. we each lived over 20 years without knowing each other. having totally different experiences. and families. and relationships. and all of a sudden we are thrown together at the mercy of the universe to adapt and compromise and WORK. and i can tell you that the night we met i knew we would be married. i can also tell you that on our first date i told him i'd named our children. not because i'm crazy (although i admittedly am) but because i just knew. and hence my elitism when it comes to couples who settle. there are freakin like a bazillion people in the world. if you're not SURE if the person you're with is 'the one' then move on! because if they were the one, you'd be sure. from, just about, minute one. why waste time, a wedding, your life, on someone you could just shrug your shoulders about?? love is about PASSION, people. it's about a unique bond. for goodness sakes...

now for the apology.

this rant is more for me than anyone else. actually, the people it's most likely for will never know about this blog. (phew, right?) but poor ben has had to hear this rant like...i don't know...a lot. so i'm putting it down in words on here. to say what i mean and mean what i say. and to, hopefully, get it out of my brain so i can do some real writing! a spring cleaning of sorts...in january.

so good night, sunday. i will rest upon your starry breezes and wait for your return.

p.s. if you happen to be getting married on the 5th of this coming september, you are soon to join the ranks of 'emily's favorite married couples.' in case you were worried :)

with so much talk of goal-setting

i figure it is about time for my own goal-setting for 2009. apparently resolution-making is out. (who knew?) and goal-setting is the new black. i don't know.

but i plan to set goals that are within reach. goals i am truly aspiring toward. here goes..

1. cook more (how can i ignore the benefits of a home-cooked meal?? it smells wonderful...it tastes wonderful...and it's cheaper and real-er than eating out. so what if it takes waaaaaaay longer?)
2. get more serious about photography. my other love, at the moment. i want to stop talking about it and go out and take pictures, damn it! :)
3. i am determined to be more on top of birthdays and occasions and the ensuing card-sending-out that goes along with that. just because it is sooo easy to comment on facebook is terrible. terrible, i say!!
4. 2009 is going to be the year i say what i mean, and mean what i say. i am a bit tired of keeping things inside re: (well, mostly) my sister. she deserves to know what someone (who knows her pretty well and has nothing to lose - ie. a relationship) really thinks about her. and all of the ways she is f-ing up her life.. this one's gonna be fun.
5. stop being lazy. YES. it's wonderful to get home and hop into bed to eat dinner and watch tv until sleeping happens. YES. it's wonderful to plop down on the couch and feel the life slowly drain out of me. BUT!!!! this is ridiculous!! when i'm active i feel so much better about myself! even if it's playing ping-pong for an hour or two :) anything that's not sitting/laying/slouching is good by me!
6. this goal is always hardest and resets itself every year. i want to send my poems out to 3 new places this year. nothing crazy. but i just can't seem to make this a priority and i know i will look back one day and shake my head.

well, i think this is a good place to start. perhaps as i cross each item off i will add something new. or something. i'll keep you updated :)

this sunday night

was much like other sunday nights. there is much lamenting about work beginning anew the next morning. much discussion on how two days is never long enough. some genius theorizing on how to create a nationwide 3 day weekend.

and so it goes.

but tonight was also a bit different in the sense that i was overcome with a feeling i'd never felt before. this feeling was 2 parts sadness and 1 part anxiety. i guess. i don't really know how to describe it.

but i will try relentlessly anyhow.

ben and i were watching tv and out of the blue a thought pops into my head. the thought is a bit terrifying. the thought is: i cannot bear a minute of my life without ben. i cannot bear to know that each of us is mortal. and therefore finite. i cannot bear the thought of this, us, ever ending.

it was terrible. and i felt incredibly young about it. perhaps because i am incredibly young, in the scheme of things. maybe when i am 60 i will think, what a silly young fool i was then.

or not.

anyway, it is keeping me up. and it's a bit ridiculous because there is nothing i can do about any of it. except that i've never minded mortality before. and all of a sudden, it's truly unbearable.

now, i know what you're thinking. that's just the electrocuted part of you talking.

but no.

i think it is the consequence of happiness. why else be so afraid?

today we took a short bike ride around our neighborhood. there are yellow leaves covering the streets and they crunched under our tires. and there was not a car on the road. well, there actually was a car. but it was so quiet. the whole neighborhood, i mean. and i looked at ben and said, 'i LOVE our neighborhood.' and i looked ahead and thought, 'i love our life. i love you. i love and love and love.'

and i truly do.

i love all kinds of things so wholly that it is making me afraid.

isn't this a downer of a blog?

oh goodness. you can see why i am so into shoulder-shrugging these days. what else is one to do?

on a much lighter note, i found (EUREKA!) an oooooolllllllldddddd poem i'd written in my undergrad years, an imitation of pound's 'in a station of the metro.' i was thrilled.

thrilled!

my teacher asked me for permission to hand it out to future classes as an example. it was one of my proudest moments...in undergrad, anyway.

but the poem is in the other room. i will try to post it next time. didn't i lead you on? i will post it, i promise.

until then, i will sleep, eat and work. and try to ignore or face or relinquish my unfounded fear of what lies in store.

i must refuse to waste any (more) time on such nonsense. i do declare!

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

happy birthday, little brother

before the night is through i must acknowledge your birth on this here blog.

why? you ask...

because i spent my whole life wanting a little brother. at the age of 3, i was given a life size 3-year-old doll. this doll was obviously a girl doll. complete with curly blond hair and long eyelashes. so what did i name my obviously girl doll?

i named her david. because i so badly wanted a little brother...and my neighbor friend had a little brother named david. (and in an odd twist, i got to marry someone who had both a little brother AND a brother named david. TWO BROTHERS!!)

(are there two brotherth? there'th one brother and then another brother and then...) :) (oh c'mon, it's kinda like waterth!!)

and now i get my very own real life little brother! and he is 24 today. and i am very glad he was born because i like him a lot.

so happy happy happy birthday, zachie! in california time that is...you're already a day older than 24 where you live...as i said i would, i will now tell you not to work too hard. you are young. (a baby!!) you have your whole life ahead of you to work. (i know, totally depressing.) and you are only 24 once. (duh!)

now i am going to go to bed. because i am exhausted. 28 is a whole 'nother beast. it is much closer to 80 :)

xoxo,
your big sis

oh kittens, where are my mittens?

my hands are cold. as always. my grandma says this is because i have such a warm heart. i think it's because it's freakin cold outside...but i like her reason better.

the worst news of the year thus far:

the colts lost to san diego in the first round of the playoffs. i know, i know. 'but san diego didn't play all that well during the regular season.' i know. 'but the colts have been kicking major ass in the last 9 games.' i know. 'but...but...' i. know. i was sad. sad that i'd have to wait 8 more months to watch peyton and the colts play again. sad that i wore my jersey and everything. sad that i sat and watched each minute of a game that ended crappily. but, the colts did kinda suck.

even i can admit that.

their running game sucked.

their passing game sucked.

and their defense...

SUCKED.

like a vacuum.

the best news of the year so far:

i am crazy in looooooooove :) these past couple weeks have been the loveyest weeks of my life. each second spent with my husb is surpassed only by the next. it is CRAZY!!! and it is the awesomest feeling in the world. without a doubt.

ben and i bought a bunch of old board games to add to our collection. it is hard to find 2 person games...but we have been reliving our childhoods with classics like life (which i'd never played ever) and parcheesi (also never played but apparently it is a gift from god that i can win that game everytime we play it). we have also successfully turned uno into a drinking game. it is not hard to take pride in getting drunk off of champagne in a single hand.

i know.

does life get better than this?

i submit that it cannot :)

already the juxtaposition

i like to create a january 1st, each year, that will set the tone for how the rest of the year will go. i refuse to be stressed. or spend the day working.

this year i slept. and relaxed. and felt not even one ounce of stress in my being. it was miraculous. and something i have needed for a while now. just being quiet and cozy. shacked up all day with my husb and our boys.

today, i went into work. i had taken the day off but couldn't, in good conscience, avoid the work that should have been finished up by the end of the year. so, i went to work. and, after some routine screwiness, got my work done. i decided that i am at the point where when something goes wrong at work, it doesn't even phase me. if it goes right, then i am almost brought to tears with sheer joy.

so work went and i thought, today isn't too bad. much better than my last day at work. (read: god's laughter...)

but apparently my grandma is sick. which means my mom is worrying. and calling me a bunch. and over-planning. etc. i will go and see my grand right after i write this. there isn't much i can do but sit with her and hopefully make her smile.

ben and i saw her for hanukkah and we had a chance to sit around and talk for a while. it was really nice. at one point she looked at me and said, "you and i have something special." and it's true. i think i said it before in her birthday post but i'm pretty sure my grandma loves me more than anyone else on the earth. and if my grandpa were still alive, i would come second only to him. and i am absolutely fine with that :)

hasn't this post taken a weird turn?

such is my day. all of a sudden it's hectic and stressful and overwhelming. and i'd be remiss (or just plain stupid) if i didn't suspect that most of this inability to cope was some kind of hormonal joke. yes i believe hormones have their own senses of humor. don't you?? it would explain so much...

anyway, here is to the day calming down a bit. i'll definitely drink to that.

the surrealness that is january 1st...

as the year wound down yesterday, there was good news on the technology front. my laptop has been saved by a new power cord.

HALLELUJAH!!!

the husb called me at work to tell me the good news and, after the goings on of that day, i cried a bit more. for joy this time. so i'm back. and i'm better than ever.

well. i don't know.

also, the foreign object that had become a part of my car tire was discovered to be a....

...wait for it...

RAILROAD SPIKE!

i know, right?

it made me feel very rural. like i had been driving my little prizm along the tracks with dust curling up in my wake. perhaps my cow-herding dog is in the car along with me. we are on our way to see my cows in the grassy fields.

or i was driving in the alleyway in los alamitos and heard a weird pop sound. and thought, maybe i ran over something. like a soda bottle. or something else that would logically be in an alleyway.

or a railroad spike. you never know.

so my year ended on some very weird notes. what is one to do but just take it all in?

we were lucky enough to have one of ben's college friends, brent, and his girlfriend haddie visit us on their roadtrip. we had a fun dinner out and rang in the new year together. they are great people and it was awesome to get to know them. it was surely a lot of fun and a great way to say hello to 09. laughter and friendship abounding.

so far, 2009 has been alright. i slept in a bit, feel pretty good, and am excited to embark on whatever adventure calls to us this day.

i hope the new year is full of wonderful surprises for us all. i wish you good health and happiness, laughter and love.

amen.