untitled: a mini-post
most days i write just to write. just to make room in my head for dreams.
today i am writing for my sanity. for my mental health.
this morning i got in the cold car and gazed at the house through the rainy windows. the pattering of drops on the car's roof was calming. i knew it was warm in my house. i knew there were comfy pants and sweatshirts. warm&fuzzy boys who would gladly volunteer to sprawl across my legs and sleeeeep. blankets and blankets. hot chocolate. and i put the car in reverse and slowly backed out of the driveway. today it seemed like the hardest thing to do. i have lusted after our house since we first came upon it. it was a fateful day it was. almost two years ago. and i still lust. because it is a lust-worthy house. full of shiny wood floors. and pillows. coloured walls. (sometimes u makes things so much fancier. sometimes fancy makes all the difference.)
when we got to work, i got soaked between helping my mom get out of the rain (she has to be carried up steps) and getting back to the car to park. it is impossible to hold an umbrella whilst carrying someone. even if she's an incredibly small someone. (which at least makes the carrying do-able.) but before i ducked into the car she started asking me something about how i'd better bring the umbrella in or something or other. and i had already brought it in. so it made me mad. and when i closed the car door, closed myself inside, i yelled (without thinking) i'm an adult! and then maybe something about leave me alone and etc. and then i couldn't help but think of andy samburg's video on snl. wherein he says, "i'm an adult." and it is hilarious. i wanted to laugh. to have it turn into a funny moment. but i, and it, didn't. i just shook my head and ran back to the building.
the rain and i have a love/hate relationship. because i love the rain. but i hate being at work in the rain. rain is for cookies. and even cleaning. rain is for socks without shoes. and forced-air heating making the bathroom the warmest room in the house. rain is for lighting the christmas tree and appreciating how good it smells. and rain makes it easier to be disappointed. rain allows feelings to just be. it's pleasant really.
today rain means being (stuck) at work with my mom who makes rainy days even harder and my sister who is just being a general bitch.
with every passing moment i think about watching the house get farther away this morning. how it disappeared as i turned the corner. how it is waiting for me. full of boy-cats. and oranges from the market. and later, a husband. my favourite one. my favourite. we'll watch football tonight. i'll listen to music as i do the dishes.
it will erase what i am wanting to erase. rewrite what comes next.
today i am writing for my sanity. for my mental health.
this morning i got in the cold car and gazed at the house through the rainy windows. the pattering of drops on the car's roof was calming. i knew it was warm in my house. i knew there were comfy pants and sweatshirts. warm&fuzzy boys who would gladly volunteer to sprawl across my legs and sleeeeep. blankets and blankets. hot chocolate. and i put the car in reverse and slowly backed out of the driveway. today it seemed like the hardest thing to do. i have lusted after our house since we first came upon it. it was a fateful day it was. almost two years ago. and i still lust. because it is a lust-worthy house. full of shiny wood floors. and pillows. coloured walls. (sometimes u makes things so much fancier. sometimes fancy makes all the difference.)
when we got to work, i got soaked between helping my mom get out of the rain (she has to be carried up steps) and getting back to the car to park. it is impossible to hold an umbrella whilst carrying someone. even if she's an incredibly small someone. (which at least makes the carrying do-able.) but before i ducked into the car she started asking me something about how i'd better bring the umbrella in or something or other. and i had already brought it in. so it made me mad. and when i closed the car door, closed myself inside, i yelled (without thinking) i'm an adult! and then maybe something about leave me alone and etc. and then i couldn't help but think of andy samburg's video on snl. wherein he says, "i'm an adult." and it is hilarious. i wanted to laugh. to have it turn into a funny moment. but i, and it, didn't. i just shook my head and ran back to the building.
the rain and i have a love/hate relationship. because i love the rain. but i hate being at work in the rain. rain is for cookies. and even cleaning. rain is for socks without shoes. and forced-air heating making the bathroom the warmest room in the house. rain is for lighting the christmas tree and appreciating how good it smells. and rain makes it easier to be disappointed. rain allows feelings to just be. it's pleasant really.
today rain means being (stuck) at work with my mom who makes rainy days even harder and my sister who is just being a general bitch.
with every passing moment i think about watching the house get farther away this morning. how it disappeared as i turned the corner. how it is waiting for me. full of boy-cats. and oranges from the market. and later, a husband. my favourite one. my favourite. we'll watch football tonight. i'll listen to music as i do the dishes.
it will erase what i am wanting to erase. rewrite what comes next.
posted by emily b. at
12:08 PM
2 Comments:
Well, did it work...feel better to get THAT off your chest? You poor thing. I know somedays it's just hard to forge forward into the big ole cruel, cold, rainy world, when there is a big couch that needs sat upon, cookies that need baking....cat's that need stroked and cooed to....I feel ya.
Once, my house blew up from a natural gas explosion. Yeah, it blew up. blew my uno deck of cards all over the neighborhood, burned my dog's hair all off....I lost a lot. Including a home in the dead of winter. When I bought a house of my own, after that episode, I always was scared to death to leave my home, because I was so scared it wouldn't be there when I got back....
So I know how this whole "home separation anxiety" thing works!
and i sympathize.
I don't have a cure, but I do have hugs.....
*big long distance hugs from me to you*
~hl~
awww. i liked this one. hated your frustration, but i like reading this...well done.
{rain does this to me, too. but i'd do anything to spend the day with my mom and sister. i know i am lucky that way. xoxo.}
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