*and like the world, i marry you every day*

(gary young)

the night this was taken marked the 4th year since our engagement.  

(it was the night of zach and angie's rehearsal dinner as they were to be wed the next day.)

when ben and i met, in may of 2003, i knew i would be his wife and he, my husband.  i knew it the minute he spoke.  so i always laugh a little when i think of how nervous he was.  well, after the fact.  before the fact i couldn't figure out what was wrong with him.

but there, in the glow of the sunset, wearing my new ring, it was like every piece of my life was in place.  i'd always thought i'd be the type to cry a bit but i didn't.  i remember in the car afterward saying, "i'm sorry i didn't cry it's just...i'm so happy!"  funny what we make ourselves want to plan out only to have it be better and completely different.

like, why would i plan to cry?

all of this control we want to have over our lives and so much of it is so trivial.  it never seems so.  but it always is.  even now, even as i type this, my imaginary plans seem overwhelming and necessary.

and yet, in the quiet place beyond plans, in a land of only whispers, i know i need to let go.  only i don't know how.

in the meantime, all i want to do is marry this guy over and over and over.  when we got back to our hotel, after the proposal, i begged him, "ask me again.  ask me again."  even days and weeks later.  ask me again.  because i have never felt so beautiful as i did when he knelt down and looked up at me.  that feeling...

i wouldn't trade it for crying anything.