listen, watch, be

the theme of this month.

undeniably.

while i sat in church last week for our friends' wedding, i felt like god was all around me. it was almost heavy. and a bit comforting. i hadn't been excited about this wedding (i know ben is rolling his eyes right now!) for reasons i probably shouldn't post on this most public of places. but sitting in that gorgeous church shook all of my bad feelings right out of my head.

i thought, god wouldn't want me to focus on other people's crap. he'd want me to focus on the good in my life. the love in my life. why am i wasting time being angry about a marriage that doesn't affect me? instead i should fill my mind with thoughts about my marriage. which i consider successful. and fated.

perhaps i have mentioned i am a marriage snob..?

i am.

but i felt so filled with spirituality in those moments i had no room for my snobbiness.

and then, on our flight home, we flew over the grand canyon. i am sure to have flown over in the past but it has always been dark. so. wow. are there other words? just wow. and there was that spiritual feeling, again. how else to describe it. a fullness of sorts. but a lightness also.

a heavy bliss.

i thought, god are you listening to me right this instant? are you watching the naive expression of awe spread across my face? are you feeling the joy that i am feeling?

and all i heard back was, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

yes to everything.

i have had one goal this year and it is yet to be realized. my deadline was this past friday. and it was not to be. and all i kept telling myself was, your deadlines don't matter. they are foolish. don't push the universe until it breaks. expand and contract. keep your wishes but allow them room to grow. don't suffocate them. don't suffocate yourself.

it went like that for awhile. mostly because i was talking myself down from a ledge of sorts. a ledge of feeling sorry for ones self, really.

and i don't want to suffocate myself.

so i'm breathing.

even when i'm at a wedding i feel questionably about. and flying over the grand canyon. and watching my husby sleeeeep so sweetly. and putting up with my sister. and wishing away countless minutes.

wishing and breathing.

listening and watching.

being.