this one is about me being selfish and also self-loathing

it's almost like there is a real, material, little girl living inside of me whining and stomping and making terrible faces. saying things like, "but i don't WANT to!" saying things like, "but why do I have to?!"

i think she has pigtails. long and straight. she wears church clothing. the clothing of someone who feels others are asking too much of them. the clothing of childhood.

this little girl, living inside of my very soul and mind, is a bitch.

well. i'm just being honest.

i woke up today and felt like throwing a tantrum. i don't wanna go see grandma. i hate going to that place. it smells. i wanted to find reasons to not see her. because i am selfish. and made it all about me.

so unattractive.

in reality, my grandma gave me so much, loved me so much, that i should see her much more than i do. i barely see her once a month. and every time i see her, i leave in tears. because seeing her there, knowing she is not herself, is one of the most terrible feelings i've ever known.

oh wait, was i talking about me again?!

so we went today. (thank god ben went with me.) and, as always, the place smelled. like sanitizer and old people. and that makes me sad. then they served food. and then it smelled like aforementioned smells plus food. i mean, i can handle the smells of many things. but. i dunno. not today i guess. then, as we took a walk, my grandma had a bathroom accident. i won't say much more except that it smelled terribly. (does that sum it up without making everyone gag the way i did?)

and i had to leave.

and i left without saying goodbye.

(in my feeble defense, my sister was there and took care of everything.)

other than my feeble defense, i felt/feel like a terrible and selfish brat. i can't shake it. and even worse, i never want to go back. like ever.

HOW TERRIBLE IS THAT??

i keep trying to make it about seeing her but i always turn it around to how it makes me feel. but i don't WANNA go. i mean, this little girl is getting on my nerves. but this little girl is me. i've created her. or stemmed from her. and here we are. (i didn't even say goodbye to my grandma! what is wrong with me?!)

the truth is, i've been cry-y all week. crying at tv shows. (preposterous!) crying at nothing. (are you kidding me?) crying about this. crying about that. i feel like i'm fighting tears all the time. and it all started with the dream about my grandpa. who would have been so disappointed in me today. who would have lectured me about "who do you think you are to treat your grandmother that way" and "she loved you when you were stinky and grumpy."

all of this is true.

after all of these years of loving her i feel like she is already dead to me. in a way. possibly in the most important way. everything that we used to talk about, the way we would hold hands, outings taken together, meals shared, jokes made, memories engrained...it's all different now. the memories stay but it is hard to not replace them with the new her. i feel like i am always fighting to keep her in my mind the way she used to be. at her best. beautiful and smart and fashionable and loving and mean. but in a good way.

perhaps this is a week of mourning. perhaps that is why all of the crying. the preliminary dream about teeth falling out. the re-mourning (if you will) of my grandpa. and my constant struggle with the denial of my grandma's ongoing life. a life filled with dementia and sanitizer-smell. my mourning of who she used to be, that person forever lost within her.

i don't know. i don't know if i need someone to slap me and tell me to buck up. or if i need someone to just let me cry my eyes out. i'm hoping after all of this, tomorrow will be a much different day. a day where i am not the center of my own world. i don't know.