sadness and joy

this is the man by which all other men shall be judged
(august, 1981)

on saturday morning i awoke and, for a moment, i was completely still. in memory it was surreal. and then i remembered my dream. and then i started sobbing. and i couldn't stop. i couldn't even stop long enough to tell ben what my dream had been about. what had me in such tears.

but it was simple.

the dream was long and rambling and most of it was the nonsense of which most of our dreams are made. toward the end of the dream, i saw my grandpa, standing on the street in an outfit he used to wear. one i must have been very familiar with in life as it was reproduced in perfection in this dream. he had on slacks, a button-up shirt, and his burgundy windbreaker.

in the dream i ran up and threw my arms around him. i sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. he hugged me, patting me on the back. "it's ok, i'm here. i'm here." i would know his voice anywhere... and this went on until i woke up.

as my eyes opened i was enveloped in calm. the light coming through our turquoise curtains was serene. and then i remembered him. his arms around me. my sobbing.

and it continued. i couldn't help it.

my grandfather died over 11 years ago. just before i graduated high school. the night he died, he was at home and we rushed over to see him. it is likely i have never cried so hard or for so long. as if crying ever brought anyone back...

all day, as we prepped for our 4th of july gala (just hours later), i would think of him and choke up. my throat would tighten. my eyes would blur. i would have to regroup. sometimes the balance is overwhelming.

even now, as i am writing this, i am wiping away tears. my nose running. my throat tight. and i couldn't tell you why if you asked. why this dream was so different. i have dreamed him before. i have dreamed my father many times. but never have i, days later, been brought to tears so easily. nor have i ever woken up and cried as i did... what an amazing reminder that my soul is constantly journeying. and that, although i am all questions and tears at this point, there will be some semblance of answers in my future. or perhaps it is only that the wall between this life and that beyond is much more penetrable than i ever thought...

my grandpa was everything a great man must be. he was smart. strong. funny. so incredibly loving. loyal. honest. my mom said he must have visited me. and i had felt that even before she said the words. how glad i was to see him again. how i had missed him. how i loved him. and how sad it was upon waking. to feel him so closely yet know how far away our souls must be.

(grandpa, if in some odd twist of fate they have blogs wherever you may be, thank you for the visit. i'm sorry i cried but i couldn't help myself...seeing you filled me with such sadness and joy that all i could give you were my tears. but please, please, please come back. don't stay away... i love you, as always.)