flit and floating

my blushing hydrangeas

as down as i was last week i feel a bit as if i'm floating this week. not for any particular reason or lack of gravity. just an uncanny feeling of okay-ness. the feeling that i can handle what is thrown at me. something inside that says that, although things, possibly everything, will go wrong, i will survive it with grace.

it is possible i have had this feeling before but i am not remembering it in this moment. and so, i am reveling in this newfound...okay-ness. well reveling and fearing. just in case fate wants to catch me unawares...

i should be sleeping as i know i will feel as if a boulder crushed my entire soul when i awake in the morning. but the house is so quiet. all of my boys are laying (lying?) around, sprawled out, trying to combat the still night that sits outside of our window. the ceiling fan hums it's full-speed hum. other than that, the refrigerator occasionally does something. the ice in the icemaker shifts. the noises that go unnoticed in daytime are a lullaby of sorts. disjointed yet reliable.

there has always been something about the night that has kept me in its clutches. or perhaps not. perhaps there has always been something about sleep that has terrified me in the most primordial sense. as a child i cried my way through many a night. fighting sleep as if it were the devil. and even today. although i can't stay up nearly as late as i used to (how did i ever stay up until the sun rose? how did i ever stay up past midnight? oh, ok, that one was a stretch..) i am always fighting it.

and all the while, my love lies next to me in the sweetest sleep. he must know something i have been slow to catch onto. the safety of dreams. the peace that comes with heavy eyelids, slowing breath. perhaps it is about time that i join him in that sea of peaceful dreams. leave behind my fears. my wrong and learned behaviors. perhaps sleep and i need to start fresh. with a clean slate of sorts....

....zzzz....