on frenemies
here are the rules:
you must first read nat the fat rat's blog entry, frenemies. then, come back and read this. it was meant to be a simple comment but the more i thought about it the more i realized i had too much to say for a mere comment section. and nobody likes a blowhard. so, i figured i'd post my response here.
before i begin, i must tell you that reading natalie's blog is like therapy. basically what i am saying is read it! it will make you laugh. it will restore your faith in humanity. it will make you feel like you are not alone in the world. all of these things i promise you.
ok.
where was i.
it seems in the past 6 months i have been repeatedly reminded to be thankful for what i have. and, at the same time, to refocus on what i have, instead of what i want. it seems so much easier to want. to want more. better. different. i feel this affects most everybody. i think it's a daily battle to refocus. most days i lose that battle but lately i've been trying to win it.
first. i saw a news story about a man who got a face transplant. i mean really, what better proof exists that there are miracles. it blew me away. during the story they showed pictures of the man before the surgery. he had no nose. he had only a hole in his face. (he had been hit by an electric rail car.) my whole life i have hated my nose. full on, full-fledged, hatred. in an instant, i thought, thank god i have my nose. regardless of what it looks like. i have a nose. and it's mine. in a way that may seem dramatic but i swear it wasn't, i felt like my life changed a little bit.
second. i read about a woman who had a staph infection that turned septic and, after a series of events (including the birth of her daughter), she lost both of her legs and one of her arms. (the time spacing between the news story and this was maybe two weeks.) lately i have been hating on my body. it doesn't seem to be doing what i want. i've been lazy and putting on weight and, in my upset-ness over this, binging on cheese. but all of a sudden i looked down at my legs (legs i have never loved) and thought, i have my legs. i felt silly and ashamed for hating legs that had never done me wrong. healthy legs. and, after some sun, nicely tanned legs. so they aren't the shape i'd like them to be. benny likes them. is there better criteria?
then. i happened upon a friend's facebook page. one of their 'groups' they belonged to was about a woman who had had a difficult pregnancy (the last four months of which were bedrest) and who was about to see her child for the first time, got out of bed to be wheeled in to see her daughter, and died. she had developed a blood clot that travelled to her brain and it killed her instantly. the story brought me to tears. how could it not? i immediately thought about how much i want children. but at what cost? i immediately told benny i'd rather have my life and be with him than have children. i'm not sure if that's selfish but it made me realize how full and happy my life is without children. i mean, i would love to create, carry and birth a child. but i love my husband and our life more than anything else. even those things i cannot comprehend.
i know the last one isn't exactly body-related but it really caused me to refocus on what i have versus what i may feel is missing in my life.
i have my good health, a wonderful loving handsome husband, our beautiful home that renews me each time i step inside. i have a body that is all mine. that is perfect regardless of if i see it that way (i'm trying). i have a family (blood and otherwise) that loves me. that supports me. friends who are my second family. i have a steady job. i have words, music, old cameras, and, of course, cheese :)
there are so many days where this is not my focus. i am trying to be better about this. better about being hard on myself. better about wondering why i'm not getting what i am wishing for. i know that my life is following its path. so far, i cannot complain.
we see what lies ahead by living through each day. i will try my hardest not to take any of the moments along the way for granted. i will succeed. and i will fail.
such is life.
xoxo
you must first read nat the fat rat's blog entry, frenemies. then, come back and read this. it was meant to be a simple comment but the more i thought about it the more i realized i had too much to say for a mere comment section. and nobody likes a blowhard. so, i figured i'd post my response here.
before i begin, i must tell you that reading natalie's blog is like therapy. basically what i am saying is read it! it will make you laugh. it will restore your faith in humanity. it will make you feel like you are not alone in the world. all of these things i promise you.
ok.
where was i.
it seems in the past 6 months i have been repeatedly reminded to be thankful for what i have. and, at the same time, to refocus on what i have, instead of what i want. it seems so much easier to want. to want more. better. different. i feel this affects most everybody. i think it's a daily battle to refocus. most days i lose that battle but lately i've been trying to win it.
first. i saw a news story about a man who got a face transplant. i mean really, what better proof exists that there are miracles. it blew me away. during the story they showed pictures of the man before the surgery. he had no nose. he had only a hole in his face. (he had been hit by an electric rail car.) my whole life i have hated my nose. full on, full-fledged, hatred. in an instant, i thought, thank god i have my nose. regardless of what it looks like. i have a nose. and it's mine. in a way that may seem dramatic but i swear it wasn't, i felt like my life changed a little bit.
second. i read about a woman who had a staph infection that turned septic and, after a series of events (including the birth of her daughter), she lost both of her legs and one of her arms. (the time spacing between the news story and this was maybe two weeks.) lately i have been hating on my body. it doesn't seem to be doing what i want. i've been lazy and putting on weight and, in my upset-ness over this, binging on cheese. but all of a sudden i looked down at my legs (legs i have never loved) and thought, i have my legs. i felt silly and ashamed for hating legs that had never done me wrong. healthy legs. and, after some sun, nicely tanned legs. so they aren't the shape i'd like them to be. benny likes them. is there better criteria?
then. i happened upon a friend's facebook page. one of their 'groups' they belonged to was about a woman who had had a difficult pregnancy (the last four months of which were bedrest) and who was about to see her child for the first time, got out of bed to be wheeled in to see her daughter, and died. she had developed a blood clot that travelled to her brain and it killed her instantly. the story brought me to tears. how could it not? i immediately thought about how much i want children. but at what cost? i immediately told benny i'd rather have my life and be with him than have children. i'm not sure if that's selfish but it made me realize how full and happy my life is without children. i mean, i would love to create, carry and birth a child. but i love my husband and our life more than anything else. even those things i cannot comprehend.
i know the last one isn't exactly body-related but it really caused me to refocus on what i have versus what i may feel is missing in my life.
i have my good health, a wonderful loving handsome husband, our beautiful home that renews me each time i step inside. i have a body that is all mine. that is perfect regardless of if i see it that way (i'm trying). i have a family (blood and otherwise) that loves me. that supports me. friends who are my second family. i have a steady job. i have words, music, old cameras, and, of course, cheese :)
there are so many days where this is not my focus. i am trying to be better about this. better about being hard on myself. better about wondering why i'm not getting what i am wishing for. i know that my life is following its path. so far, i cannot complain.
we see what lies ahead by living through each day. i will try my hardest not to take any of the moments along the way for granted. i will succeed. and i will fail.
such is life.
xoxo
Labels: in response, life as meditation
posted by emily b. at
8:44 PM
2 Comments:
you totally get it. and i loved this post, every word of it. you're right about having to refocus, i think that's what it boils down to. and especially about wanting. i want so much, but whenever i stop and look around i realize how much i really have. but i never, ever just stop to look around - i'm always on the path to acquiring more, more more! i think that ultimately that is what heaven will be like - complete and total acceptance of yourself. what a concept!
p.s. thanks for all those nice words. you're not too shabby yourself!
"The thing about breakthroughs is that you can rarely ever take credit for them."
This is certainly true with the best poems... and probably with getting pregnant. Let it go. Then, I promise, it will happen ;) Easier said than done, I know. And I'm going to keep an eye on Nat the Fat Rat. Thanks for the tip!
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