the changing of the guards

february ended so sweetly and so did march begin. the transition was seamless. hidden amidst beautiful weather that lasted all weekend long. it was like early summer in late winter. well...winter by so cal standards. so, probably not like everyone else's winter weather. i don't know if i was sad to see february go. it went by entirely too quickly, complete with two trips out to the desert, ben's grandpa falling gravely ill (but then recovering, so that's good!), a visit from zach and angie (yay!) and a super bowl that did not involve mr. manning. hmm. i am indifferent.

so here is march. promising yet contradictory, even in these early moments. sunday was sunshiney and breezy. a wonderful combination. today (monday) was gray and randomly rainy. which i can appreciate as much as the former. but i wondered what else march had up her sleeve. i think this will be a very odd month.

on a much sadder note, it seems inevitable that my grandma will be moved into an assisted-living, dementia-care facility by weeks end. i don't know how to deal with this so at the moment i am hiding from it. busying my mind with other things. she will be incredibly unhappy and has no idea she will not be in her home this time next week. (of course, this isn't because we are cruel. this is because she is completely unwilling to have anyone come into her home and refuses any/all help. and cannot care for herself anymore. at all.) i feel like a chapter is closing. well, i guess a chapter is closing. or has closed. the grandma that i grew up loving and knowing and growing close to has disappeared, disintegrated into a stranger. and i am so incredibly sad and lost in feeling this way. i feel like her move is a small death. or a big death. and i have never had to grieve for someone who is still alive. so.

i know that march will compete with all of this with her budding, green leaves on the tips of all of our plants and her gorgeous sunsets. (tonight's was lavender when you looked straight up. then, as you looked toward the horizon it was deep purply gray with neon pink accents. amazing.)

in the meantime i will appreciate all of the youth that my body still holds. appreciate my ability to take care of myself and my family. appreciate the memories i have and all those waiting to be made.

and occasionally i will hug ben and hang on for a little bit longer and feel my jaw tighten and hold back tears. because nothing is forever. because our lives are so fleeting.