this sunday night
was much like other sunday nights. there is much lamenting about work beginning anew the next morning. much discussion on how two days is never long enough. some genius theorizing on how to create a nationwide 3 day weekend.
and so it goes.
but tonight was also a bit different in the sense that i was overcome with a feeling i'd never felt before. this feeling was 2 parts sadness and 1 part anxiety. i guess. i don't really know how to describe it.
but i will try relentlessly anyhow.
ben and i were watching tv and out of the blue a thought pops into my head. the thought is a bit terrifying. the thought is: i cannot bear a minute of my life without ben. i cannot bear to know that each of us is mortal. and therefore finite. i cannot bear the thought of this, us, ever ending.
it was terrible. and i felt incredibly young about it. perhaps because i am incredibly young, in the scheme of things. maybe when i am 60 i will think, what a silly young fool i was then.
or not.
anyway, it is keeping me up. and it's a bit ridiculous because there is nothing i can do about any of it. except that i've never minded mortality before. and all of a sudden, it's truly unbearable.
now, i know what you're thinking. that's just the electrocuted part of you talking.
but no.
i think it is the consequence of happiness. why else be so afraid?
today we took a short bike ride around our neighborhood. there are yellow leaves covering the streets and they crunched under our tires. and there was not a car on the road. well, there actually was a car. but it was so quiet. the whole neighborhood, i mean. and i looked at ben and said, 'i LOVE our neighborhood.' and i looked ahead and thought, 'i love our life. i love you. i love and love and love.'
and i truly do.
i love all kinds of things so wholly that it is making me afraid.
isn't this a downer of a blog?
oh goodness. you can see why i am so into shoulder-shrugging these days. what else is one to do?
on a much lighter note, i found (EUREKA!) an oooooolllllllldddddd poem i'd written in my undergrad years, an imitation of pound's 'in a station of the metro.' i was thrilled.
thrilled!
my teacher asked me for permission to hand it out to future classes as an example. it was one of my proudest moments...in undergrad, anyway.
but the poem is in the other room. i will try to post it next time. didn't i lead you on? i will post it, i promise.
until then, i will sleep, eat and work. and try to ignore or face or relinquish my unfounded fear of what lies in store.
i must refuse to waste any (more) time on such nonsense. i do declare!
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
and so it goes.
but tonight was also a bit different in the sense that i was overcome with a feeling i'd never felt before. this feeling was 2 parts sadness and 1 part anxiety. i guess. i don't really know how to describe it.
but i will try relentlessly anyhow.
ben and i were watching tv and out of the blue a thought pops into my head. the thought is a bit terrifying. the thought is: i cannot bear a minute of my life without ben. i cannot bear to know that each of us is mortal. and therefore finite. i cannot bear the thought of this, us, ever ending.
it was terrible. and i felt incredibly young about it. perhaps because i am incredibly young, in the scheme of things. maybe when i am 60 i will think, what a silly young fool i was then.
or not.
anyway, it is keeping me up. and it's a bit ridiculous because there is nothing i can do about any of it. except that i've never minded mortality before. and all of a sudden, it's truly unbearable.
now, i know what you're thinking. that's just the electrocuted part of you talking.
but no.
i think it is the consequence of happiness. why else be so afraid?
today we took a short bike ride around our neighborhood. there are yellow leaves covering the streets and they crunched under our tires. and there was not a car on the road. well, there actually was a car. but it was so quiet. the whole neighborhood, i mean. and i looked at ben and said, 'i LOVE our neighborhood.' and i looked ahead and thought, 'i love our life. i love you. i love and love and love.'
and i truly do.
i love all kinds of things so wholly that it is making me afraid.
isn't this a downer of a blog?
oh goodness. you can see why i am so into shoulder-shrugging these days. what else is one to do?
on a much lighter note, i found (EUREKA!) an oooooolllllllldddddd poem i'd written in my undergrad years, an imitation of pound's 'in a station of the metro.' i was thrilled.
thrilled!
my teacher asked me for permission to hand it out to future classes as an example. it was one of my proudest moments...in undergrad, anyway.
but the poem is in the other room. i will try to post it next time. didn't i lead you on? i will post it, i promise.
until then, i will sleep, eat and work. and try to ignore or face or relinquish my unfounded fear of what lies in store.
i must refuse to waste any (more) time on such nonsense. i do declare!
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
posted by emily b. at
11:55 PM
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