numbers and letters

is there anything else?  before we left i was counting down the days until we were in utter paradise.  then, upon arrival in said paradise, realized it was much more photogenic than it was a paradise.  and began to count down the days until returning home.  to our paradise.  our bed.  our cuddly purry chubby boys.  now it's day two of this week and i'm counting down to the weekend.  only i don't know why.  there are no plans.  last saturday marked six months between my birthdays.  and now i am growing closer and closer to thirty.  with which i am ok.  thirty will be a big year.  in one way or another.  or who knows.  so i'm looking forward to that but not counting down.  the days seem to move so quickly now i don't want to lose the next six months to predictable nonsense.

in the midst of all of this 'trying to make a baby' stuff it's all numbers.  days in a cycle.  days of this phase and the next.  days of waiting.  and hoping.  hormone levels.  counts.  timing.  timing.  timing.  and aren't we laughing that it hasn't been timing all along.  almost two and a half years of wondering what we've been doing wrong and it wasn't the counting at all.  i wouldn't mind counting down for nine months but nobody asked me either.  until then.  days and days.  months.

before our wedding i made a countdown sheet.  eight and a half by eleven of numbers.  decreasing in value.  increasing in excitement.  and stress.  but mostly excitement.  and love.  before i turn thirty we'll have been married four years.  this may we met over seven years ago.  seven years of being crazy in love.  that's middle school and high school, guys.  that is freakin serious stuff right there  :)

this morning i got up at the first alarm.  i didn't snooze.  i wanted to.  but i knew i had to shower and do laundry and grocery shop.  mostly things i was too tired to do last night.  i still made it into work by nine.  and started with payroll tax deposits and ui rates and workers comp audits.  i may brag just a bit about being able to decipher a five from a six on a fuzzy fax.  i have a feeling i won't be bragging when i'm fifty and subscribing to the large print edition of readers digest.  hm.

tonight, the one i married has a meeting.  he won't be home until after eight.  maybe nine.  i've been methodically planning my time tonight.  i want to clean up my life.  i've got stacks of crap every.where.  and i want it all gone.  so i want time for that.  ok, not cleaning up my whole life but at least my nightstand, our dresser, the table in my office.  (oy.)

and maybe i'll read a chapter or two from this side of paradise.  that amory blaine and his wacky mum.  the both of them so affected...

are you reading tonight?  are you reading at all?  i need some suggestions.  i really truly loved re-reading gatsby.  maybe i'll post something short on that later.  i was so glad for the time to read it.  so, yes, are you reading?  fill me in  :)

thoughts on st thomas: part five

1.  i think i forgot to tell you about my random bloody nose that happened at dinner two nights ago.  i thought my nose was just running.  kept wiping it on my maroon napkin.  then excused myself to the bathroom to find little smears of blood on my nose and cheek and my hands.  i have never been more thankful for mood lighting than that evening.  nobody noticed a thing.  phew.

2.  my buggy bite plight soldiers on.  this morning we officially ran out of hydrocortisone so...we'll see how long we can stand it.  i'm hoping we're nearing the end of constant ankle itching.  it does make for awkward dinner conversation when one is leaning with their head practically on the table so that they can scratchscratchscratchscratch.  i have the manners of a hobo, i am sure of it.

3.  psych was on last night and we caught it right at the beginning.  sheer destiny.  i love psych.  love.  do you watch psych?  it basically is  my reason for always needing to have a tv.  that and football season.  all of the other stuff i probably wouldn't miss..  so it was like having a bit of home in all of this.

4.  today at noon marks the end of the conference for b which means lots more time together.  it also means it's thursday and only a few days away from heading back home.  i think in my deepest of hearts i am wishing for this kind of vacation (well, the laying out by the pool/beach everyday part) but be able to sleep in my own bed at the end of the day.  my dream vacation isn't much of a vacation at all as much as a hiding from the real world.  at home.  tell me i am not alone...

5.  i called my ma yesterday for the first time since we landed and she said, 'i was just thinking about you...' and i thought, aww, that's sweet.  but she wasn't done.  '...and how you always call me when you're away and you hadn't called me this time and i thought that was interesting.'  do you feel the love?  i was like, just stop at 'i was just thinking about you.'  i mean, really.  i'm pretty sure she has lost all of her social graces.  her ability to converse without somehow depressing you...gone.

6.  today i will finish gatsby.  only thirty pages left.  then i may or may not move onto this side of paradise.  another re-read.  i have truly loved all of this reading time.  i really need to make more time for it at home...  shift the ratio of tv watching hours to a more reasonable number and re-educate myself on good dialogue.  intelligent (wow, i just misspelled intelligent...touche) word choices.  the mystery and romance of imaginary lives...

thoughts on st thomas: part four

1.  at one point last night i woke myself up by scratching my buggy bites with my own foot.  see, i've got 12 bug bites between my knees and toes.  and, in the heat of my sleeping, they get all kinds of itchy.  and apparently, i knew this even in sleep.  so i groggily found my way to the hydrocortisone and the cold washrags and said prayers about wishing away bug venom.  or whatever the heck it is.  spit?  larvae?  i just grossed myself out.

2.  b woke up in the middle of the night with a headache the likes of which few men have seen.  i know this because my boy is tough.  and he was wincing and shuddering in pain.  so i applied a cold washrag (not my buggy one, friends, worry not) and tripped over all of our stray pairs of shoes until i found my purse and then my advil.  i administered it along with cold water to that handsome patient of mine and sat with him until he found sleep again.

3.  we got a stray wake-up call at 6:30a.  not ours, you see.  and this was only an hour and half after we'd gotten back to sleep after foot itching and heads aching.  seriously, marriott, you can go suck an egg.

4.  we are halfway through our trip.  the last four and a half days have gone by slower than i could have ever imagined.  are we anywhere near the bermuda triangle?  maybe we're stuck in the st thomas triangle...all twilight zoney and crap...

5.  if you have a moment to think good, encouraging thoughts, please send them to heatherlynn, one of my most loyalest of readers and commenters and just an all-around wonderful girl.  she is going through a tough time and while i sit here and chatter about really meaningless stuff, she is dealing with some big decisions and changes.  so.  i declare this week lovin on heatherlynn week.  can ya dig it??  :)

6.  dear tiger and sammy,  i miss you boys so much and have been daydreaming about scooping your chubby selves up and lovin on you like nobody's business.  hang in there, my sweet-and-handsomes.  love, your mama

7.  i am almost done with the wickedness that is gatsby.  i feel quite like a 15 yr old and a literary genius all at the same time.  half the time i'm reading it's like i'm mentally preparing for a book report.  should i underline this?  is this a thematic device?  oh how school can ruin a good book.  well, in some ways at least.  have i ever told you that the first book i really liked reading for school was billy bathgate by e.l. doctorow?  that is how i roll.


8.  it is already march 3rd.  how did that happen??  i'm tellin ya...bermuda triangle up in this place...  when we get home it had better be in like a lion like nobody's business.  i think march has got the sweetest motto of all months.  and, actually, do other months have mottoes?  dish.

thoughts on st thomas: part three

1.  i got all bit up by bugs last night.  and i'm not so allergic that it is a medical emergency when i get bit.  but just allergic enough to have each bite swell into a golf ball.  well, a mini golf ball.

2.  i got up all early and junk to go to a fashion show that was just different girls wearing different sarongs.  um, yeah...

3.  i get a whole half day with b today!  the highlight of this trip thus far.  we will be sunning and shading alternately for the afternoon and later tonight i will get to wear my dress that i bought on clearance from target for...wait for it...$13.  and personally i think it's a beaut.  (which you figured, right? because why else would i buy it?)

4.  i've got, what i would call, and half tan.  as in, i'm halfway to the tan for which i am longing.  it feels incredibly good to not be as pastey pale as i was just last week.  i look better in color.  and b agrees.

5.  pretty much the highlight of my life:  i'm getting ready to sun.  b's getting ready to roundtable.  i'm applying suntan lotion and am all suited up and b looks at me and says "how did i get to marry this sexy girl??"  so i'm pretty much conceited now, haha.  ok, not really but for real.  how did i get to marry that wonderful boy?

6.  we've been lounging almost every night in the outdoor bar area with couple-friends from the conference.  one of the best things that will come out of this whole trip may be a better friendship with them.  we live in close proximity back home and they're a lot of fun.  so pretty much a win-win.

7.  i'm trying to be more positive but it comes in waves.  i want to thank you for not cussing me out and calling me names because i am full of negativity.  i'm trying to gain some perspective but am very in-the-moment right now and it's hard.  but, there was not crazy music late last night.  and i'll take any small victory i can get  :)

xoxo

thoughts on st thomas: part two

1.  please pardon my lack of photos.  i'm using b's laptop while we're away and don't quite have my bearings.  there is sea, sun, and lush greenery.  there is a hillside dotted with pink-roofed homes.  there is the beach.  there are people with various shades of tans.  and burns.  there are tropical drinks.

2.  i would like to propose a bill to congress to ban splotchy sunburns.  do you know the kind?  it's when you're pretty sure you've lathered your entire body with suntan lotion.  and it's not just that you're sure.  you know you've lathered and lathered well.  and then you sun.  and then, hours later, you have a big bright red spot on the front of your shoulder.  and one on your other wrist.  while the rest of you is a nice shade of tan.  how does this happen??  was it ever addressed in xfiles?  i feel like maybe it has something to do with aliens...

3.  we are into our third day here and it feels like the seventh.  am i just all complaints and boo-hoos?  last night at 1a, over the hum of the a/c and the tv, the unit below us was blasting mexican rap.  mexican.rap.  i could handle it for one song.  was a bit perturbed by two.  and called the front desk as they rounded out the third.  mexican rap.  seriously.  it took a few more songs before i could tell that security had shown up and quieted them.

4.  see, here's what.  i do so appreciate being able to take a vacation.  i so appreciate b's dad allowing me to come along on work trips to exotic places.  and i could be just about anywhere, in any condition, and as long as i'm at the side of my love, i'm ok.

but this resort is a dump.  even the pool is motel-like.  and everything is expensive.  and the service suuuuuuuucks.  and the room is expensive.  and there are little bugs all over the sink in the bathroom.  so.  yeah.  it's hard because we can't pack up and leave and find somewhere else.  but that is because this is a work trip for b.  and i am along for the sun.

5.  last night, as i searched for sleep, i landed the tv on 'the first wives club' and watched what i think may have been 75% of the movie.  even though i wasn't tired, i forced myself to turn it off and find sleep.  i mean, first wives club.

6.  i am bad at schmoozing.  that's what these trips are all about.  i mean, for us wives.  the boys go to meetings and roundtables and b comes back with all kinds of ideas to take back to work with him.  the wives join up with their respectives for lunches and receptions and everyone makes small talk.  but the only person i want to talk to is the one i married.  i want to slink into a corner and just talk and talk.  because we get each other.  and also, because i have terrible hearing.  and even at a table of ten i lose conversations like socks in a dryer.  (no?  seems all of my good analogies were left on the mainland..)  the other thing is that b and i are at least ten years everyone's junior.  but mostly twenty years their junior.  and in some cases, thirty years.  but while they're talking about their children and grands, passing around pictures, i fight the urge to show everyone our adorable boys.  cat boys, that is.  ugh.  can you imagine?  oh, but just look at our boys...and out comes a picture of our cats lazing in the sun.  cuddled together.  oh, but the looks we would get.  oh, but how the conversations would cease.

7.  i am counting down the days til we fly back home.  home cooked meals.  regularly priced bags of chips and bottled water.  warm boys sleeping on my feet.  neighbors who probably don't even know mexican rap exists.  sorry to be such a bummer you guys.  i know most of you are in the snow and praying for sun and here i am, where the low is 77.  and i'm all blah.

8.  pms.  (but you knew that already, didn't you?)

thoughts on st thomas: part one

1.  i love wedges.  i love wedge salads and i love wedge shoes.  more particularly for this trip i am loving my wedge shoes.  nothing is making me happier than navy wedges from payless with cute little bows over the toes.  ok.  the unlimited pool time may be making me happier.  ok.  sitting by the pool with b, in between his meetings, thinking of the craziest names possible for people, nothing makes me happier than that.

2.  st thomas is kinda eh.  the water is nice.  yes.  but the marriott we're staying at.  yikes.  pure and unadulterated yikes.  it's like it's been frozen in time for twenty years.  but not the kind of frozen in time where it still looks nice once thawed.  ok, so perhaps not frozen in time at all.  perhaps the sun has sucked out my ability to analogize.

3.  for reading material, and aside from crossword puzzle and sudoku books, i brought f scott fitzgerald.  this morning i leisurely read chapter one of great gatsby whilst sitting on our balcony.  i watched little waves ripple in the bay.  i watched boats buoy this way and that.  and i envisioned gatsby's trembling arms reaching for the little green light.  oh, and i felt like a huge dork.  did i forget to mention that part?  :)

4.  we have a whole 'nother week here.  and i will tell you that the hotel bed is pretty much like...oh i don't know.  remember, my analogies, not so much.  this bed makes our bed at home seem like a cloud straight outta heaven.  out.of.heaven.  which is good.  because our bed at home is long-term.  so, i guess if i had to pick a bed to be most comfortable, it would be the one i sleep in 98% of the time.  but c'mon marriott.  we're sleepin on bare springs here.

5.  my inner clock is messssssssed up.  the four hour time difference is like..what??  is it three in the afternoon or one in the morning.  no clue.

6.  watching olympic ice hockey whilst in st thomas...weird.

7.  i miss you guys.  i've been reading all of my favs (yes, you and you and you!  and you!!) on my phone.  so it makes it harder for comments.  but i promise i am reading and loving all y'all.  and will try to be better about commenting in my usual way  :)

poolside, this is emily b, over and out.  :)

p.s. not really poolside.  actually in my room.  so...deskside?  much less romantic...

i've been quiet

for reasons i will lay before you.  i'm thinking you'll deem them important reasons to have been so...shushed.

1. i've got a bad attitude (isn't there a song that goes like that?  or is that new attitude?  i think new.  yeah, mine was just bad.)  you know.  like, if you can't say something nice don't say anything at all.  so i haven't been saying much.

yesterday at work my sister got pissed because i told her to multi-task.  does a normal person get mad at such a thing?  my sister is what i've termed, 'a piece of work.'  ok, so i didn't term it.  but she really is.  a piece of work.  and gosh does she make me mad.  so today, all day, i wanted to say things like grow up.  and, for real?  and, it is technically impossible for the folders to file themselves.

but i did some serious lip-biting.  because i knew whatever i had to say would come from a place of feelings-that-have-been-building-our-whole-lives.  i knew whatever i said wouldn't come from the place i wanted it to.

2. we are going on a trip this friday.  we'll be gone nine days.  i am stresssssed.  when i am stressed (with all the extra s's of course) i run out of words.  or.  my words run out of my fingers all wrong.

i hate leaving my boys.  my furry boys, that is.  i won't have to leave my boy boy because we travel together.  like geese.  or lions.  with a loyalty only lions know...  but i miss the heck outta my furry boys whenever we're away.  i miss the one who waits for me in the bathroom doorway.  i miss the one who curls up around my hand until it sweats.  i always wish for our time away to move swiftly for them.  and i wish they understood me when i tell them we'll always come home.  oh, sigh.  those boys.  each of them a beat of my heart repeated over.  over.

3. i continue on my path, searching for motherhood.  this month has been my favorite so far, not because of a different outcome, because there isn't one, but because i felt light.  lighter than i'd felt all of last year.  (april, how are you feeling this month? i've been thinking of you!)  i don't think it changes anything.  this lightness.  except it changed me.  shedding worry like that.

4. i've spent every non-working hour attached to my boy.  for tv time.  for dinner time.  for crossword puzzle time.  and sleep time.  see, the work hours have been creeeeping by.  quite like molasses.  and the non-work hours flybysofastyoucanbarelyseethem.

unfair, right?


so, i am back.  well, as back as i can be after not really being away.  you know what i mean.  i really just missed you all.  i've been feeding off of your words to give me strength when my own words seemed thin.  weakish.


in other news, we had our trees trimmed last week.  this little guy hung from a low branch since we bought the home.  kinda came with it.  and i didn't take him down before the tree guys came.  and now...he's gone.  but the branch he was on remains.  how?  and i'm really honestly sad.  i'm looking to replace him...carry on his legacy...